Speaking of elitist: Starbuck's rant

Triathlon Forum
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You know guys, I’m an idiot. I mean, really. I should have taken a que on good marketing techniques from the Starbuck’s
Coffee across the street from us.

So from now on, we’re making some changes around here…

-We’re inventing our own convoluted language for what we do. When a customer comes in with a flat tire from now on we are not going to call it a flat. Instead, we are going to call it a “Le Casteneau”. And the person changing the flat will not be a “mechanic”, they will be a “Cantofier’”.

  • We’re putting a tip can on every counter.

  • Basic services that once cost about $4 are now $20 with no explanations or justifications.

  • We’re going to feign conspicuous political correctness in everything we do, while gouging the hell out of customers.

-We’re installing zany wireless technology for our PDA using, Cell phone talking, lap-top having $6 coffee (oh, excuse me, “Tanzanian sunrise mild with room, Grande”) drinking patrons who don’t know how to hold a door and step on your feet in line.

-We’ll constantly be out of our most basic inventory.

There, I’m done. Sorry.

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Tom, Starbucks are the kings of marketing. The key is how you “package your product” and create the aura of "added value. People will pay the extra bucks for the brand. Holding a cup of starbucks is just a smaller version of driving a BMW X5. Both are overpriced for what you get, but people are willing to pay the delta for the the consumer "experience’. Same for an Armani suit.

Now you just have to package Bike Sport Michigan accordingly. Unfortunately, you provide real value as opposed to perceived value. Consumers rarely pay for real value, just perceived value and in the world of marketing, perception is reality.

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http://www.mayorgaimports.com/html/
.

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http://www.scarysquirrel.org/special/movies/foamy/sml.html
.

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Funny! Thanks IronStevie.

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Ironstevie…bless you my son…that was awesome
.

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I think the more accurate name is FourBuck’s (because you can’t get out of there for any less).

9

You should sell 16oz of filtered water for $1.19

IronStevie with the scary Squirrel thing again. Awesome.

“So, you’re saying I’m not sophisticted?”

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“He’s a 1 trick pony, but he turns that trick with pride”
Paul Simon

“Do you have any coffee-flavored coffee?”
Ironstevie upon visiting a Starbucks for the first time
.

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I’m far too blue collar for Starbucks. And, I don’t feel as if I even speak the same language as the barista (“what the FFFUU … is a barista? A cutie little altena-girl with pink hair and a labrette piercing?”) I’m much more comfortable with a cup of Joe from the Circle K, which provides the requesite caffine for a buck.

12

Tom,

The problem is you picked the wrong business to be in, in the first place. If you want to do what Starbucks does( Or Coca-Cola, or Microsoft etc . .) is you have to have a business where the service offering or product has an insanely high margin. That is definately NOT the case in the bike business.

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Is “Barrista” even a word? How the hell do you become a “Barrista”? Is it like a “Sandanista”? Was Manuel Noreiga’s former government secretly infiltrated by Barristas planted by the CIA then, following his capture, they were all repatriated to the U.S. as pretentious hot beverage hucksters? Is this a dangerous sub culture we need to be monitoring in the interest of Homeland Security?

What threat do the Barristas really present to the U.S.? Significant assets have been devoted to the capture of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Ladin. Are we blind to the real threat within? The militant Barristas?

14

Reverned Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping:

http://revbilly.com/index.php

And his mantra extends beyond coffee. It applies to bike gear, too.

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You are a funny guy and I’m not even a coffee drinker…

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<<What threat do the Barristas really present to the U.S.? >>

As the number of Starbuck’s “coffee houses” increases, so does the number of Starbuck’s barristas. Since most barrista’s vote for Ralph Nader and the Green party, they will eventually have sufficient numbers to put him in the White House…

Brett

17

So, I am all fired up and in a shitty mood about a clients practice management system not working properly…so, into Starbucks I go…

Talking to the woman (with a nose ring) and her hair dyed black (did you all see South Park last night?)…I order a “Double Latte in a small cup”…she was mystified. Looking at me in a bovine fashion as if I was holding a bale of hay trying to get her to walk into slaughter house - she proclaims that “We don’t have that today”…and proceeds to adjust her apron in a fashion that let me know she was not happy (I would have to assume that her nipple ring was catching on her fishnet bra - as I would also assume that her bra is matching her leggings).

So, I digress and try to start over with new communication level…“okay, I would like two shots…in a small latte”. At this point she proclaims “Oh, you want a Vento!”…instantly (and seriously) I thought no, I have Shamals…no need for a Vento. But, agree that infact I need a Vento…and a 16oz bottle of filtered water…for $6.57. After paying I am asked if I would “like that skinny”. Judging by the look I gave her, she knew that I was the un-witting victim of a public school system and clarified by asking “What kind of milk”. So my simple answer “white” really made her insane. Again with the “What kind of milk?!”, “White”. And more frustrated faces. I thought to make it easier; I told her that any milk was fine…“Even if it meant I was to suckle from the teets of another creature”. Again…she was a cow after a handful of hay.

Waiting at a counter as I listen to the ever so trendy Starbucks staff speak in a code (much akin to Cherokee Indians in “Windtalkers”) Latte Frappe Vento Skinny Moo Moo Whipped Hummma Humma Nukka Nuuka Aaapuaaa aa. I now know for certain, I #1 am not cool, and #2 am turning every day more and more like my grandfather - being disenchanted with society. Then they announce “Vento”…of course, I don’t respond as this is more gibberish crazy talk, I may as well have tried to order this drink in Bolivia, I could not communicate. Over and over “Vento, Vento, Vento”…and another woman with hemp woven jewelry all over came out and handed me my drink with a mad look on her face and said “Vento”…and then, cocked her head like a dog trying to understand what someone is saying (you all know the look).

Here I am…lost in a subculture of society that I can’t understand. I only want caffeine. I have no desire to learn yet another Ebonics style way of life…and I would like a “Double latte in a small cup”, the cup in my hand is CLEARLY not small…and the luke warm fluid inside tastes like warm milk, with the “essence” of coffee…Now I like my coffee the way I like my women…bitter. I tell the woman (moo) at the counter that I wanted a “Double shot in a small cup”…she takes my cup, gives me a rapid exhale to show her displeasure with my inability to communicate and pours about half of my drink into a small cup, throws the rest (with the cup) into a sink behind her. Handing my drink back to me, she said “Tall”. So, I now paid more for a “Tall” meaning “Small” and have less of what was not right to begin with. My ratio of caffeine was off, and now I get less of it to boot. I asked her how that was a “double”? “Vento IS a double shot”.

“Okay, but, um…well, see…a *double *would infer that there is a higher ratio of espresso to milk than a larger drink”. She responds - “no a double shot is a Vento”. So, I tell her “You know what, why not just add another shot of espresso to THIS drink”, pointing to the drink in my hand. She takes the drink, pours in some more espresso and then hands it back to me…“That will be eighty cents”. I about lost it. I told her she was nuts, let her know that she should possibly consider trying out the GED class that is offered at the local community college, and that I would NEVER again go to Starbucks as I am certainly not up the standards of what they hold their customers to on a educational level…

18

This is Pulitzer material.

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Record10ti…yet another reason I love this board so much. BTW what is Starbucks?

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Great story. Well, if there wasn’t a market for substandard, overpriced coffee and poor service, Starbucks wouldn’t exist.

My father-in-law was in the retail business for 25 years. He has a saying “There is no under-estimating the poor taste of the general buying public”

BTW - my firm provides coffee free. Tastes like tar, just the way I like it.

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Some could wonder if triathletes were qualified to ever ridicule anyone for over-paying on anything … especially things that seem trivial.

Somewhere, at a coffee fanatics message board, someone is telling the story of a MOP/BOP’er that owns a $4K bike.

Somewhere, someone is making fun of a triathlete for spending $1500 on an indoor computer trainer.

Somewhere, someone is making fun of a person for spending hundreds of dollars on a HRM with GPS, just so they “know where they’ve been”.

Somewhere, someone is making fun of guys that shave their legs … Oh, that’s me. My bad. =)

We’re all better than someone else, aren’t we? Heh Heh.