Ran across this article and though I’d pass it along to those of you with “deal killers checklists” when it comes to relationships.
The secret to meeting your match
By Arthur Jeon
“I don’t know…Carol seems fine, but she doesn’t seem like she’d be the type of person who would like to go camping,” my friend Charlie said.
Charlie was telling me about a woman he’d just started dating. He had quite a clear picture of the woman he wanted: petite, spiritual, healthy, and into the outdoors.
“Charlie, when was the last time you went camping?” I asked.
“Last summer.” It was now February.
“So…you go camping one or twice a year?” I asked Charlie, who nodded. “And you’re going to make this a deal-breaker, this idea you have about going out with a woman who loves to camp, when you only go once or twice a year yourself?”
Charlie looked at me, shaking his head. “I guess I sound kind of crazy.”
Yes. But we all sound crazy at some point or another. We are told to make a list of qualities we want a prospective mate to have. This sounds great in theory, clarifying what we want a mate to be like, eliminating the qualities that we don’t want. But while it can be useful to hold a vision of the qualities we desire, it can also be quite limiting. That’s because if we have a strict idea of what the other person should look like, then we might miss out on the living and breathing person right in front of us.
It’s pretty rare that people find the perfect person they’ve been dreaming of their entire life. Finding a partner is about seeing the other person for their innate qualities and not for how much they match up against your checklist, which, after all, could be very limited. Perhaps you haven’t even imagined who it is that might be right for you. Or perhaps you’re too focused on irrelevant qualities like a mutual interest in camping. Either way, you end up approaching the world with expectations, which limits your ability to see reality.
So rather than making a list of the qualities you want, like “handsome” or “smart” or “sexy” or “loves to travel,” try to think in terms of values. Does the person you are considering share the same values you do? Because they could be handsome, smart, sexy and a real globe-trotter, but if they don’t share your values, that is, what you find valuable, then you will have a very long slog. I know a woman who had created a list describing the man of her dreams, including “spiritual,” “well-traveled,” and “creative.” And the man she married is all these things, but he’s also a workaholic, impatient, unable to relax, not comfortable with intimacy and doesn’t want to have children. They have been together for three years and haven’t had a moment’s peace.
So put aside the list-making. It’s better to wake up so you can see the people who show up in your life as they really are. In this way you can see them clearly and compassionately. This will also help you make good decisions in choosing a partner.
Making lists can lead to a kind of narrowness of vision that might eliminate the right person. Waking up means setting aside your prejudices, your ideas of what should be, and even your ideas about what you think you want. Then who knows what can happen—because you’re not limiting your view of what is possible.
