Question

Triathlon Forum
1

This is Mr. Tibbs but I am using a false name because this question is kinda personal and I want to keep my false image of strength.

My parents have filed for divorce. It’s a long train wreck so I knew it was coming but it is still wierd to know it’s happening. How does a grown up deal with this? As an adult what do I do?

I think they are both to blame but as of late my Dad is the one who I think pushed the rock over the edge. I used to worship him. To me he was greatness. After my breakdown I saw I was now down to his level and all the things I ignored have been coming racing back to me. He has went from idol to cowardly loser in a very short time. It’s just really fucking hard to deal with. Anyone else run ont this later in life?

What really sucks now is that with my wife asleep and friends not around I have to ponder this alone. I tried to turn to my Beach Boys but my Dad is the one who raised me with them. He is the one who tought me the genuis of them and now when I hear them I just think of all the bitterness I hold against him.

I think this will pass but your never out from under your parents I guess.

3

hiya notmrtibbs,

that sucks…i am really sorry. my folks were divorced after 27 years, my dad’s decision, my mom hating every minute of it. what you describe was exactly what i experienced…the image of my perfect, brave, fearless and loyal father, down in flames. i thought my folks had the perfect marriage. oops. i hated him at the time for it, and i told him so, as did my bro. we were PISSED.

hmm…advice. i guess the main thing i learned in hindsight, which might not be too useful to you in the thick of the thing, is that disillusionment can be a good thing. that word gets a lot of bad press, but i take it to mean the loss of illusions. i had serious illusions about my dad, some of them which i put on him, and some of which he spent energy trying to create himself. when he left my mom, all that went to shit. what i saw then was just a regular guy, with all kinds of weaknesses, HUGE faults, contradictions in character, pettiness, meanness, selfishness etc. that was a big change from the previous version of dad: the hero, the breadwinner, the famous author guy, the sage, the DAD, you know? the new guy i saw was, well…kind of just like me. so i guess what i am saying is that his coming down off the pedestal was a pretty important part of my growing up, at least psychologically speaking. he was demythologized, for better or for worse, and since that time, we’ve become closer than ever. it is hard to truly love an idol.

most importantly, just give yourself lots of time to be pissed, to feel let down, whatever. that’s another learning that i got from all of that…it is not a good idea to bypass the “being pissed off” stage to go straight to forgiveness or understanding. gotta be pissed off…how you use that pissed off energy is something that requires some thought, but don’t try and be too adult when you don’t necessarily feel that way. there’s a reason little kids, who cry and rage when they need to, are such little buddhas.

take care of yourself–if all else fails, eat a shitload of cookies.

toad

4

My parents split up during my junior year in college, and it wasn’t friendly . Not sure if I qualified as an adult then (or even still do) but it’s a very different experience that when it happens to a small child.

Although it’s a well-known cliche, time is a great healer. It’s hard to accept the fact that parents are human too, but that realization gets easier for me as time passes.

5

notmrtibbs,

Sorry to hear about this. Once again, I find myself unable to offer any words of wisdom, other than hang in there, and know that you have friends out here who support you.

Try not to be too hard on your dad- it’s hard to live up to idol status.

And don’t let Mr Tibbs get to you. He’s cool, but sometimes he can be a bastard.

6

Ulimately we are all mortal, with strengths and weaknesses. We do the best we can with what we have when we can. Hopefully that will lead us to a good life for ourselves and others.

My father tried to kill our family one night after an alcholic tyraid when I was 8. He shot at me and my mom with a Hi-Standard .22 pistol- emptied the magazine at us in the kitchen. The police were called, he was- of course, arrested and then remanded to a mental hospital for 11 years. I saw him one more time, then as an old man I did not recognize in a casket.

He was a smart man who helped design the Boeing B-17G Flying Fortress, the B-29 Superfortress and the STR Mk. 1 nuclear reactor, a version of which was used in the SSN Nautilus, the first nuclear powered submarine.

He suffered from substance abuse problems and depression. It got the best of him.

I remember him well despite it.

7

Your parents’ relationship with each other is between them, and doesn’t reflect on you. It also doesn’t change how they brought you up, nor your relationship with each of them. You can’t know everything about their relationship that they know, so don’t judge them.

This from someone whose parents divorced AFTER 54 YEARS of marriage!

8

There are too few spelling, punctuation and grammar errors for this to be the real Mr. Tibbs. Thank you for playing, next contestant please…

Brett

9

Sorry to hear, mine split after 20 years. Wasn’t totally unexpected but still felt like getting kicked in the gut.

10

Sorry to hear. About 5 years ago, my father split from my stepmother of 23 years. At that time, although I worshipped the ground on which he walked, I discovered that not only was he a womanizer, but the kind of manipulator and thief he was. I also learned the entire story behind his divorce from my mom, when I was 6, and he did this while she had just sacrificed her life to give birth to my sister. She ultimately died of cancer, because she had to stop treatments during the pregnancy. So, with me at age 6, my sister an infant, and my mom dying of breast cancer, he can’t seem to keep it in his pants and runs off with his secretary (not my eventual stepmom). All you can do is deal, and realize you aren’t your parents and not make the same mistakes. The rest of the family pulled together and got through it. Wish I had something more insightful.

11

Realize that your Dad and the man married to your mom are different sides of the same person and that nothing has changed about your dad (still 10’ tall and bulletproof) but that he may have failed in his marriage.