Old physics jokes…

Triathlon Forum
1

Ok, maybe my post surgery meds are kicking in but I offer a couple of old physics jokes to lighten things up a bit given the Kona stuff:

An astrophysicist is asked: “Would you rather have cold coffee or meet God?” He asks for the cold coffee….He is asked why….His response: “Because I’ve been told that nothing is better than meeting God, and cold coffee is better than nothing….”

———

A photon checks into a hotel. The bellman asks if he needs help with his luggage. He responds: “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

2

Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek
Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground, then sits down inside the square.

When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, “Ha, I’ve found you, Newton!”. Newton however replies, "No you haven’t! You’ve found Pascal!

Werner Heisenberg and Ernst Schrodinger are driving down the road late one night, and they are stopped by a cop.

Heisenberg rolls down the window and says, “evening officer”.

The cop asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg says, “No, but I knew exactly where I was.”

The cop says, “You were going exactly 143 kilometers per hour.”

Heisenberg says, “Great! Now we’re lost!”

The cop asks, “Do you mind if I look in your trunk?”

Schrodinger says, “Go ahead. All we have in there is a cat.”

The cop looks in the trunk and says, “Sorry to tell you, but your cat is dead.”

Schrodinger sighs and says, “Well now he is!”

3

Not what you asked for, I know. But the Einstein Papers at Princeton are searchable at: https://einsteinpapers.press.princeton.edu/.

His personal letters, essays, and shots at the press should give you a chuckle.

4

#2 is a gem!

5

Oldie but a goodie.

Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia. A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, “I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum.”

6

what type of surgery? how are you feeling today?

7

Thanks for asking Doc! I had my long tormented left knee finally put to rest. I had what’s called a “Kinematically Aligned” Total Knee Replacement last Wednesday out in Cali. I’m on Day 5 of my recovery and things are going great! I’m off the heavy meds and the walker and settling into a bit of a routine. Details on blog below!

8

glad things are going well!

9

… jokes to lighten things up a bit given the Kona stuff

Goddamn volcanoes

Where do volcanoes go to relieve themselves?
The lavatory

Why are volcanoes mischievous?
Because they erupt to no good

Why are volcanos always invited to the best parties?
They are such a blast

Why should you never date an active volcano?
They’re just a hot mess.

Did you know that you can actually jump into a volcano? But only once

10

Did you know that you can actually jump into a volcano? But only once

You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.

11

These last two are great!

12

As my father would sometimes say:
‘There is no such thing as a vacuum’
.

13

Loved the Werner and Ernst joke, pure physics comedy. Unfortunately I cannot think of one person in my real life I could tell it to and get it. And I bet you could tell whole classes of high school seniors and not one of them gets it either. Probably get all the Noah’s ark jokes though. Thank you for the good laugh, at least there are a few of us dinosaurs still left to appreciate highbrow humor…

14

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore.
The physicist says, “Lets smash the can open with a rock.”
The chemist says, “Let’s build a fire and heat the can first.”
The economist says, “Lets assume that we have a can-opener…”

-bobo

15

Two jokes comparing engineers, physicists, and mathematicians.

(1) Prove all odd numbers above 1 are prime:
Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime, so the statement is false.
Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, …
Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, …

(2)
An engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and there’s a fire in the corner of his bedroom. He runs to the bathroom, grabs a bucket, fills it with water, puts it on the fire, runs back for more water, puts that on the fire, gets one more bucketful of water, puts that on the fire and the fire goes out.

A physicist wakes up in the middle of the night and there’s a fire in the corner of his bedroom. He goes over to the fire to take measurements, and then to his desk, and makes some calculations. Then he goes to the bathroom, puts a measured amount of water into the bucket, and puts a precise amount of water in a few carefully chosen spots and the fire goes out.

A mathematician wakes up in the middle of the night and there’s a fire in the corner of his bedroom. So he starts to think. And he thinks so hard that he gets out of bed and starts to pace. Finally, because of the pacing and the heat from the fire, he gets thirsty and goes to the bathroom to get a glass of water. So he grabs a glass and turns on the faucet and says “Aha! There IS a solution!” And he goes back to bed.