Long time lurker. Love the forums, information, education and humour.
Straight up i’m bipolar(since 19, now 43), and an addict, BQer, multiple Im finisher.
I guess I’m posting because I’m needing an audience of my peers. I’ve hit an impasse. 1 years ago I was training to KQ. Then life slapped me in the face and I fell off my PoH wagon. After 21 years of sobriety and 15 years smoke-free i folded. Life has been fine since then, but I’ve lost all passion and desire. I’m not in prison, or an asylum but I can’t get myself back to the joy I had training, racing, competing.
I’ve read similar threads on STwitch and I’m needing some validation for my struggles. Clara Hughes has worked hard to raise awareness here in Canada and I loved her biography. It’s easy to explain the broken collarbone I got crashing on my bike but how do I explain the broken brain? The funny thing is I’ve raced a HIM with road rash all up my left side to ooohs and ahhhs, which seemed easy, but when my brain sells me out for a mickey or pack of smokes and I crush it, all i get is crickets. Waah!!
I worked hard to become a 2:58 marathoner and a 10:33 IMer after struggling with my ,mental illnesses. Not to mention a dbl dbl Keskinada x-country skiier. But I burned those bridges and wonder if I can get back.
Are there any other double losers out there, or am I just trying to make myself co-dependant on ST?
If the sport would be less enjoyable because you weren’t able to regain your previous form maybe you could find a new hook. Buy a mountain bike or a tennis racquet or something to keep you active. I tend to become completely engrossed in an activity for a few years before losing desire and finding something new; I’ve been lucky to always find a new hobby quickly and you may be the same. Good luck with your journey!
I can’t speak to bipolar, addiction or your really awesome athletic capabilities, but I have had issues with depression (lifelong dysthymia, with periodic bouts of severe depression). Maybe take off the “training” component of your sports and just do the parts of them that feel good to you now? Two years ago I was mentally in really bad shape, but race environments always perk me up, so I pretty much raced every weekend. I didn’t even care how I did, just wanted to get out there. Physically, I knew it was not good for me (ended up in PT for months to deal with the overuse injuries and also really annoyed my coach), but mentally it was what I needed. Not an ideal way to go, but a better drug of choice than other options out there, and I figured I had to get the brain right before the body would do what I wanted anyway. I pared it down to the part I loved best, and then after that I eased back into training properly. I survived, and two years later I’m back on a solid plan.
Good luck to you. Hope you find a peaceful way forward.
I am posting not with any great advice but to relate to your experience. Am coming out of a very dark winter. Dealt with depression. Stopped training for 2 whole weeks which is sort of like me falling off a cliff. Last year completed my first IM, qualified, dragged my self through the summer fairly well. Apparently was having panic attacks and didnt know it. Bouts of dizzyness in certain situations, highways airplanes tunnels blah blah blah. DNFd at mile 10 in hawaii. Walked off the course with a huge sense of relief. Came home kept training and realised I had dug myself into a hole. So at this point there was overtraining, too much drinking. Like every night. I was exhausted getting fat and waking up kinda hungover everyday. The horrible winter/spring didnt help. Now I am on meds, my 3rd, and slowly attempting to come back to the happy part of training and certainly running. If I dont want to run oh boy there is a problem. i am wishing u the best and can certainly relate to where u r.
It does not take a mental illness to lose that “spirit” that keeps us coming back to the starting line. I have been through the same dry spell at times, no mental illness that I know of but just boredom with my life’s situation, dissatisfaction with work, etc were eating me alive slowly.
Give something else a try - maybe hike some crazy trails, volunteer at a school, rescue a dog. Hopefully, something will spark a new fire.
Engaging yourself in any forms of outdoor activity will bring you happiness and calm. You must not stick to just one or two sport. The professional athletes engages in other sports than their main to give a break from their routine schedule. I’m a swimmer, but I ride bike, run and sometimes play some hockey.
+1 on trail running, or mountain biking. I’ve found myself nicely refreshed by substituting in activietes that make me feel like a kid again, and running in the woods, riding over bumps and small logs, and even going to an adventure water park have all worked to infuse some child-like fun into what can seem at times like a motonous training regimine.
I’ve also used the fake-it-til-you-make-it strategy to climb back on the exercise wagon after falling off and feeling left beind by training buddies who were kicking ass and taking names. Instead of looking at my training plan as something I was failing to complete, I took a week and used it as a suggestion for what activity to do, letting the victory be having shown up and given it 30 min. By the end of the week I actually felt some sense of accomplishment over having strung so many days of -something- together. The next week I reached just a bit higher.
Best wishes. I’m sure there are a number of us here that use exercise/triathlon as a means to keep our demons at bay.
Giving up is not an option and i still dream of all the good this sport has given me over 15 years. My health, physical and mental, the wonderful people and the cool places I would have never seen. It’s just stepping back over that imaginary line which at times seems so far away and other times so very close. I like the thought of “fake it till you make it”. Good slogan for staying sober too. Kind of…faking sobriety, hmmmm))
Having other healthy hobbies has helped keep the deep dark aspects of bipolar(mania and depression) and addiction somewhat tamed. For me hunting, fishing, reading have substituted for now, but there is something about distance training that truly stabilizes most of it. When I first started running I couldn’t even make it 100m down my street before having to walk. Now here I am again 15 years later at nearly my original weight and fitness. Sigh.
The funny thing is my wife and kids are fitter than ever and soon we’ll be able to race events together if I can step back over the line and start walking back to my own health. I know there are many of us who fight the good fight through athletics. It is so important to our mental health.
Sounds like you are telling part of my story. Ive been sober for 20 years, suffered from depression, Boston Qualifier, multiple IM finisher love to hunt and fish. I have only been doing tri’s for 4 years and running 5 but find that both have helped keep me physically and mentally together. I say they have helped but I also still attend my 12 step program regularly because that is what has made this whole journey possible. The other thing I find that helps is giving back. I try to always have my hand out willing to help the newcomers, in every aspect of my life, along on their journey. It is through giving that we receive.
You are so right. I don’t know if I’ve given back except to set an example. I think it was a blow to some of my friends when I fell off the wagon. In my circle of friends we are rednecks and musicians mostly, and a surprising number mentally afflicted (as in clinically). After being sober for 21 years and medically speaking sane, I never thought the pursuit of happiness would end. But there it is. Not gone, never gone, but nevertheless fading.
I don’t belong to an organized group, but I’ve always been attracted to stories of mental or addictive afflictions. After losing a close high school friend, Pat Floyd, to a drug complication for his schizophrenia, basically heart failure, I’ve searched for that distinction between genuis and madman, success and failure. He was a brilliant musician, guitarist, composer but lost it all at the age of 24 (first hospitalized at 17).
Stories of success, or failure, or in progress, are important. In sports my two favorite are Clara Hughes (Canadian olympic medalist in both the summer and winter olympics) and Lionel Sanders (again Canadian, professional triathlete). There are many others in every field (especially science), but mental health is very controversial, as far as I’m concerned. Because of course there are the psycopathic fuckers as well as the drug fiend bottom feeders.
But of course we don’t have any lobbyists (I’m not counting the drug guys), because mental health isn’t found in more drugs. It can be found in the stories that have been around for thousands of year, and stepping back over the line.
You’ll find his backstory relevant and his attitude and performance inspirational. He is also accessible via social media and has proven quite supportive to those who reach out to him.
I’m already a musician. I have my HBA and ARCT on the piano, also play sax, drums and flute. But yes, learning a new skill is a great distraction. I’ve actively played hockey, soccer, volleyball, golf, hackeysack and poker. And of course triathlon, marathon and x-country skiing (classic is better than skate).
The question is not necessarily a new pastime for me. But new stories of success or failure when confronted with the crazy pathways one faces with mental illness.
Yes I know Lionel’s background. It is very impressive. He has been focused for seven years now. Absolutely fantastic, and I’m a huge fan. His is the story of success we all aspire. There are many others I’m sure. They are what I’d love to see/read.
There can be a very nasty cycle mental health patients experience. My last major one(there have been small ones) was 21 years ago. Seems like yesterday. The Pursuit of Happiness is a personal one. Sometimes it is to finish, sometimes to BQ, sometimes to stay sober. Everyone’s story is different. Personally I have been a good husband and father and provider. This is a big success for me. I could still fail. Or I could get beyond this and truly succeed. From other’s stories I see some avenue’s of further development. Athlete’s like Lionel show one path. Other’s show other paths.
= The Pursuit of Happiness is a personal one. Sometimes it is to finish, sometimes to BQ, sometimes to stay sober. Everyone’s story is different. Personally I have been a good husband and father and provider. This is a big success for me…
Sounds like you had clear motivation and meaning and success with those activities / roles.
= The Pursuit of Happiness is a personal one. Sometimes it is to finish, sometimes to BQ, sometimes to stay sober. Everyone’s story is different. Personally I have been a good husband and father and provider. This is a big success for me…
Sounds like you had clear motivation and meaning and success with those activities / roles.
What gives your life meaning now?
I guess I threw myself on the therapist’s couch with my post and replies!
Your question is simple but perfect. For anyone that has truly struggled with a mental illness, staying sane or balanced can have immense meaning and outcomes.
I’m actually in a good place due in no small part from what I’ve learned through distance training. Admittedly, I’ve been missing the athletic joy for a year now. But I’ve still maintained my other joys.
As Jelana and tankinisusanne have shared, we can make the struggle for meaning more comprehensive, simply by shared experience. I think there are more of us that hide our struggles because it does not seem as quantifiable as crr, ftp or bq or kq.
Depression is the worst. At least with mania you feel amazing, superman-like for awhile. But mania is waaay more embarassing.
Please be patient. It took me nearly 10 years from the time I was mentally healthy until I was truly in my best physical shape. I was lucky to meet excellent people that I trained with. Their advice helped me more than any book.
It sounds like you got to Kona very quickly. That’s awesome!
Be patient! Now that you’ve been there you can get back. Being on meds is part of staying healthy. I have been on lithium for 20 years and consider it part of my pursuit of happiness. I haven’t had any relapse. Trust yourself and your doctors.
Depression and alcohol are a bad combination. BUT, what gives your life meaning? Are you playing an old record or just preparing a new release?