I get so much crap on this board about being a big city liberal elitist I think I’ve earned the right to make a few jokes at the expense of country music and the people who love it so.
I went to a Kenny Chesney concert last night. Before I got married, country music was one of those dealbreakers, like smoking or false teeth, just something I didn’t want to have around me for the rest of my days. Well my wife started sneaking her Martina McBride CDs and her Mindy someone downloads into the car for roadtrips right after she got that ring on her finger. Too late to call foul, so now I’m stuck with having to listen to this stuff.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate country music per se, its just like boiled white rice. Bland, unimaginative, and occasionally tasteless…I’m thinking Toby Keith with that last barb…that cracker ain’t allowed in my house!
So, back to Kenny Chesney. We pulled into the lot at the Oakland Arena and it was a pretty bizarre clash of cultures on display. The largely black and latino fans of the Oakland As were heading to the game dressed in green and gold, and the largely white Chesney fans were off to the concert dressed in plaid shirts, 10 gallon hats and extremely tight denim…more fashion faux pas later. Lots of bumber sticker politicians in attendance too.
It was like halloween at the Arena last night except everyone was wearing the same costume. Why do people dress up like cowboys to go see a concert in Oakland? are they worried a cattle stampede just might break out close by and they’ll be called upon to rope something? it was weird. And the way they talk? Guys from San Leandro and Walnut Creek in Wranglers ending every sentence with “y’all” what the hell is up with that?
A pleasant enough young lady called Carrie Underwood opened the show, she won American Idol a couple of years ago I was informed. She crooned for 15 minutes and I had difficulty telling when one song stopped and the next began. But the people loved her.
Next up was a curly haired guy with a funny name Dierks Bierbaum or something. He was very loud and when he started yammering about the troops and freedom and various other forms of pathetic pandering I left to go watch the Giants game in the bar.
The bar was an interesting place. It was full of Daisy Dukes in training. Teenage girls dressed like Bunny Ranch hookers with their asses hanging out of too short shorts or miniskirts, and their tits (many of them fake) popping out the top of their too small tanks. And those butt tattoos that are getting a lot of coverage in another thread were everywhere. Most of them were falling down drunk and judging by the stench of fresh puke their beverage of choice was the fruity cocktail breezer type concoction…the sorta alchopop that just so happened to be sponsoring Kenny’s tour.
Kenny opened with a 60 foot high picture of one of those hookers on the stage, dressed in aforementioned short shorts and a little bikini top. She was drinking that fruity rum drink too.
The ladies went nuts. I’ve never heard such noise at a concert. Screaming and yelling and roaring…lots of comments about fathering babies, fellatio and the like. which brings me to my next point.
Kenny Chesney is the gayest straight man I think I’ve ever seen…mind you, Renee Zellwegger drop kicked him after about two weeks of marriage so perhaps she knows something the screaming hormone driven harpees in Oakland did not.
A man with a shaved head, a fake tan, spray on faded jeans with a pair of tube socks stuffed down the front and a pink muscle-t topped off with a cowboy hat is gay in anyone’s book. Especially when he starts that little dance thing he does around the stage.
Anyway he sang a bunch of songs about what a regular guy he is with giant video screens behind shown him partying with his hareem on his private Caribbean island. The irony wasn’t lost on my wife who asked, while Kenny was singing about a keg in his closet, if yachts like that have closets?
We left a little early to beat the traffic, and the missus informed me I’m good for another couple of years before I have to go see country music again.
Marriage can be hard sometimes.
Do you let her have the remote too?