Ironman and divorce- the real truth

Triathlon Forum
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So, currently we have the Open Letter to unsupportive spouses with a lot of response.

I was most curious when I read AndyPants’s response and basically that ironman changed her. She became more aware of what she wanted and needed and decided her relationship was not going to cut it anymore.

So, I then wondered… Is this the common scenerio? I always thought it was the unsupportive spouse that couldn’t put up the the racrs training and lack of time at home. I never thought it was the racer who found they grew apart from their spouse.

So, give me the 411. I was told ironman had a 50% divorce rate, on top of marriage already having only 50% success rate. Let’s inspect a little into this matter.

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. I was told ironman had a 50% divorce rate.

Marriage has a 50% divorce rate.

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Couples that train together stay together.

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I was told ironman had a 50% divorce rate.

Wait a minute! Ironmen divorce at the same rate as non-Ironmen??? I thought we were special …

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I could see it either way.

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Couples that train together stay together.

X2. The only time I was married, I found out too late that I was in trouble when I realized his idea of exercise was drinking coffee :frowning:

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When I got married we had both just quit smoking and neither of us exercised at all. About 5 years into my marriage is when I started running seriously and went on to longer and longer distances. For the first couple years he would come to my important races then his last race he attended was IMCdA in 2008. Our divorce was final in March.

I think any time one spouse is very passionate about something and the other isn’t fully bought into it there are problems. He is big into guitar/mandoline/uke and singing. I’d go to open mike nights, etc. Drove him wherever he asked me to. Spent more time in music stores than I care to think about. But it still wasn’t something I was as passionate about as he is.

It isn’t just Ironman. Ironman can teach people they are tougher than they thought and maybe that is enough to get them out of a dead marriage. But a lot of things can do that. Training 20 hours a week would only highlight whatever problems already existed.

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I thought we were special …

Common problem for triathletes.

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. I was told ironman had a 50% divorce rate.

Marriage has a 50% divorce rate.

I prefer to say that marriage has a 50% successful stay-together rate.

(I know it’s the same thing but more of a half-full kind of feeling.)

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Wednesday will be 20 years married, 12 years as an “IronMan.” She was real supportive the first 4-5 years, when I was compulsive and competitive. But I didn’t have any other (too) bad habits, and generally was either sleeping, working, training, or spending time with her and the kids. But even “when I qualified for Kona” (love working that in anywhere possible), I never trained more than 12-13 hours/week - unless I took a day off work. Now, it’s all about the teenagers…and what they have going on. I wouldn’t want to miss a lacrosse game, swim meet, or trip to Starbucks for a 6-hour bike ride. Overall, I feel (pat myself on the back) that IronMan / Endurance events has and continues to benefit our family greatly. It keeps my head straight, and helps me live in a balanced way that is good for my family. My wife has done one triathlon in her life, and is mainly a walker and tennis player. Once a year, we all go to a tri in the mountains - I’m long past they entire family (or she) needs to be at one of my races. Anyhow, I’m sure nowdays she’s just tired of me saying “I’m just fat, old, slow, and hairy.” So I’m working on that - motivated (originally) by LA’s comeback (gasp!!). Did I mention that I once qualified for Kona? It was the same year I qualifed for Boston.

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. I was told ironman had a 50% divorce rate.

Marriage has a 50% divorce rate.

Take the 50% divorce rate for marriage, then apply the 50% divorce rate or Ironman to those that stay married.

In other words, people doing ironman are splitting in half the success they began with only 50% possibility.

But, I am more interested in WHO asked for divorce. The spouse, or the ironman.

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I think a huge factor in that study would be the age of the married couple, and how long they have been married. I think the question is which came 1st?.. ironman training? or a marital problem? For me its the old " chicken or the egg" question.

In my case, I think we started drifting apart before ironman training came into play. We got married in our early 20’s, had 3 kids by 28, worked 60hrs a week and raised the kids…and when they went off to college I realized I didnt have much in common with my wife anymore. We still get along, we dont fight, have great sex…love each other like old friends but we arent “crazy in love” like we were 25 yrs ago.

I think the void in my life started before I filled it with triathlon…its a healthy midlife crisis for me…not sure where my marriage will be in 5yrs but ill still be training :slight_smile:

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I don’t see the perspective of having to have the spouse follow along to races or participate in other hobbies. A married person is allowed to have their own life and in a secure marriage the spouse shouldn’t be so needy as to have to have the other participate in all their activities. It’s nice once in a while yes. Necessary? No.

OTOH, bitching about the spouses hobbies and inhibiting participation is a big No No. Been going strong 22 years of marriage this way.

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I thought we were special …

Common problem for triathletes.
He is very special :0)
.

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Couples that train together stay together.

Could not agree more! I’m extremely fortunate that my wife shares my passion for multi-sports (she’s a triathlete, and although I do tri’s as well, I do consider myself a duathlete first and foremost). On a sunny day, I see my neighbors out laboring in the yard (and most guys do look miserable…), yet, we rather let the flowerbeds fall apart and go for a long nice ride, together of course! We might be the only couple that works on the yard only when it rains… life style choice, yes, but that wouldn’t work if we didn’t do it together.

I’ve had some pretty big “bucket list” races and during my training for those, my wife has reduced her training volume so she could take on a larger portion of the house work. Right now, she’s training for 1/2IM in January, so I’ve reduced my volume to take on the brunt of the house work, allowing her more time to train.

… and who said triathlon is not a team sport?! :slight_smile:

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Couples that train together stay together.

X2. The only time I was married, I found out too late that I was in trouble when I realized his idea of exercise was drinking coffee :frowning:

This thread certainly has potential, but I’ll add that there is perhaps a slight difference between men and women in terms of what we want from our spouse in terms of traithlon participation (or maybe it is me).

When I was training for IMC in 1991, I started dating my wife. I was also working full time and doing a business degree at night school. I put the cards on the table and said, “This is the way it is…don’t try to change me”. Back then she also did some of the sports but not to the same degree, but I think she always got that being active was an extension of my personality. When my son was born, I obviously had to curtail the training activity and over time figured out how to make it less intrusive on family life, but like all couples it was a source of friction, but over time we found a sweet spot.

I don’t need my spouse to workout with me, rather I’m happy she lets me do my thing with great backing. When I am out training, like when I was in the armed forces, it is like hanging out with my “unit” (rather than with my family) and the guys I train with become the extended family (and I like it that way). We both have our interests and balance each other off, with our strengths adding to family life and our weaknesses being overcome by the strengths of the other (or the occaisional prodding, but that’s part of being married).

So all that to say, I don’t think that most guys need to train with spouses, in fact, they probably get more enjoyment training with the guys (rather than hanging around the bar with them and getting drunk). We get boys night out but we’re doing something productive too :-)…oh yeah, and so much for “don’t try to change me”…21 years later, I’ve hopefully changed for the better, so the trick is you want him to believe he is not being changed and change him along the way and soften him up without him knowing it :slight_smile: (maybe I should have put that in the womens forum…)

…and in the end neither spouse will be able to do this sport. Our relationships have to be about more than the sport, because when it ends, then you have nothing left. In the mean time, support each other in what makes us excited and who we are.

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. I was told ironman had a 50% divorce rate.

Marriage has a 50% divorce rate.

Take the 50% divorce rate for marriage, then apply the 50% divorce rate or Ironman to those that stay married.

In other words, people doing ironman are splitting in half the success they began with only 50% possibility.

But, I am more interested in WHO asked for divorce. The spouse, or the ironman.

Why are you upset with statistics? Odds ratio is 1.

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All of this could be litigated by smarter decision making
.

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I don’t see the perspective of having to have the spouse follow along to races or participate in other hobbies. A married person is allowed to have their own life and in a secure marriage the spouse shouldn’t be so needy as to have to have the other participate in all their activities. It’s nice once in a while yes. Necessary? No.

OTOH, bitching about the spouses hobbies and inhibiting participation is a big No No. Been going strong 22 years of marriage this way.

This^^^^!

19 years in and this is our approach.

20

I don’t see the perspective of having to have the spouse follow along to races or participate in other hobbies. A married person is allowed to have their own life and in a secure marriage the spouse shouldn’t be so needy as to have to have the other participate in all their activities. It’s nice once in a while yes. Necessary? No.

OTOH, bitching about the spouses hobbies and inhibiting participation is a big No No. Been going strong 22 years of marriage this way.

This^^^^!

19 years in and this is our approach.

x3…just behind you guys at 18 and we’re on the same program (not perfect but it seemingly works for many) :slight_smile: