excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes as i’m still a
tad off my game and this took longer to write than the race itself. times
are for entertainment purposes only as i really have no idea where i was
most of the day…or who i was.
****any jokes about smoke and fire are in no way meant to belittle the situation in pentiction. i hope the fires end soon and thank everyone for still letting the race happen.
aug18- 23: canada is on fire. not sure from hour to hour if race is on. this
is like waiting for child birth. let’s frickin do something. pleeeze.
23rd afternoon- race is on! swim and run changed to loop courses.
23rd p.m.- that’s a nice ceiling.
24th 4a.m.- alarm? who needs an alarm.
6:30 a.m.- potty emergency. navigate extensive transition corral to shorter
line public facility. only one person in line, a non racer-cool!.---- me; are you racing?
him; no. me; can i cut? (6:45). him; no. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
6:55- high five brother. smile for picture. wave to parents. high five friends daryl
and shelly. pose for picture. in water.
7:00- cannon.
7:10- still with the pros. damn, i should walk more swims. (lake was shallow
this year due to drought).
7:30- staying wide. no problems.
8:08- done.
8:11- run of the mill 2000 person transition. where was that mount line
again?
8:11-9:11- hold back. spin. ez. long day. stay cool.
9:12- 25 mile marker. 25mph. oops.
9:something-. 40 mile marker. still around 25mph. double oops…
9:something-10:35- and now the ride starts. spin up richter pass. people
going backwards. first pro woman down. into the seven sisters rollers. more
pro women down. few who stayed with on richter descent are long gone by
seventh sibling. half way 2:24. triple oops.
10:36- ??? things get hazy. another fire? no. glasses are caked in sweat.
wind? yes wind. nooo, anything but wind. to the out and back. wind out. wind
back. is there a god? and if so why is he punishing me. happy thoughts. happy
thoughts. f********** this sh**********. i hate my life. i hate you. and you
too. and what the he** are you looking at?? can’t suck my thumb and breath
at the same time. mommy?? it’s cold. and dark. ride to the light.
???- 12:30 or 40- out of the abyss!! hold on until yellow lake. all down
hill from the top of yellow. leap frog with a few others on the false flats.
can’t push down on pedals. spin. pull up. no point backing off, i’m quitting
at t2 anyway. god doesn’t hate me!!! topping yellow. damn i can climb. the
leap froggers took their bikes and went home.
12:40-45- and now all down hill home!!! i’ll just coast this bad boy in.
recover while i take it in at 50 mph.
12:46-1:26- it’s hazy again. clean my glasses. still hazy. it is fire this
time. and wind. f****** to the tenth power. wind blowing smoke in from the
inferno to the north. 50mph??? how about 19mph?? do i hear 15? do i hear
anything? scream to check. nope. can’t hear anything. just as i thought. i
crashed early in the race. i’m dead. and this aint heaven. i’m sissyphits.
condemned to climb hills on my bike and then have to work harder on the
descents for eternity. at least that’s a tad shorter than this race. hey,
what’s that? may be a city in the haze. it is. thank you jesus. now,
finally, i’ll just coast it in. hey, where’s the city. i can’t breath. cough
a little. cough some more. should of started smoking a few packs a day in
training. you know, do in training what you do on race day and all.
sweeeeeet, the fire spread to town and they have to cancel the run.
sweeeeeeet to the eleventh power. wait. transition. their waving me in. it’s
okay, i’m just a little tired. i’ll just ride on over to the hotel then
catch the fire evacuation bus out from there. huh? no buses in this tent.
1:27-1:29. T2- who are you? and what are you doing with my running shoes?
how’d you get in my house? give me that bag and get he hell out of here
before i call the cops. hey! i’m only going to be nice for so long. you
wanna meet my five little friends?? dammnnn it!!!, would you leav…hey
what’s in that water bottle? give me. hmmmm. my precious. ooohhhhh, sweet
sweet nectar of life. me likey. dah do do dum, tiddly dee… . yikes,
holy crud i’m doing ironman! got to go!
1:29-1:32- yes, i’ve GOT to go!!! stand at the numerous makeshift fifty five
gallon drums they cut lenght wise like fish fillets for us to marinate. the
joy of being a man. oh what relief. watch every single pro women i passed on
the bike go by through a little hole in the tent as i stand there. you can
pass me now or you can pass me later. i’ll just keep passing this fluid for
a few more minutes.
1:32-36- every journey starts with the first step.
1:36- 2:32- okay, now that the first step is out of the way i’ll just keep
repeating the process for a few months and get on with my life. there’s
daryl and shelly. wow, they are hyped on something. give them the big thumbs
down, make a face and watch them deflate like a whoopie cushion at a jenny
craig meeting. see my parents and brother. deflate them too. i’m a porky
pine in a ballon factory. hey, take me to the fires- i can suck the life out
of them while i’m at it.
somehow keep moving. hit the first mile in…hmm… how does that math
stuff work. drop the two and carry the… wait no, hmm. oh screw it. switch
the watch back to time of day mode. so much easier to time my race this way.
man, sure were a lot of people behind me on the bike. and how much slower
could they run and still pass me?
2:33-3: something- well, i can walk and hurt or run and hurt. what the hell
i’ll stop and not hurt. no wait, i’ll walk and hurt. no, sh** might as well
run and hurt. this hurts. not really a normal everyday hurt, but a tad bit
worse than a few groin shots at steady one second intervals. or something
like that. try power gel. try cookies. toss a cookie. didn’t taste as good
as it looked. try gatorade. try water. try salt tablets. try chicken soup.
try ice. try a different damnned hobby. loop course lets me see my friends
and family several times, but the true search is for a porta potty. 2000
runners. eight mile loop. four potties. the guy from this morning is still
laughing somewhere. he’ll get his someday.
3 something to something something- try pepsi. try a bunch more pepsi. oooh
yeaaaah baby… hmm, i’m so sexy, yeahh baaabyy, who’s your daddy? yeahhhh
baby. this is it. i’ll just live on this stuff for the rest of my days. make
a plan; walk aid station slurping pepsi, run to next aid station slurp some
more pepsi. repeat.
something to something again- i’ll quit this pepsi tomorrow. i can handle
it. i don’t have to have it. why should i quit something i enjoy? i eat
healthy and exercise more than regularly, don’t i deserve one vice? this is
my last cup. i swear. hey kid, there’s a shinny bike painted with flame
designs over in the transition area in it for you if you give me that cup
and that one too.
something to last two miles- the caffeine and sugar have saved my sorry
butt. really truly running. pick it up as i hear the finish. back it off.
forgot the corner that takes you away from the finish. can’t risk a blow up
this far in. pick it back up. pass the friends and family on the out. pass
them again on the back thus assuring me i have actually passed someone on
the run! really kick it in. check the time. do some calculus and
figure i’m putting in something like all day at this. give or take a week or
two. sprint the finish- against my will, as i never really understand the sprinters vying
for fifteen hundredth place at every race i watch. but this one somehow
overpowered my simple will. what the hell. i’m done. first ironman is in the
books. where do we sign up for next year?
1:08 swim. :03 t1. 5:18 bike. :05 t2. 4:38 run. 11:14 numbers rounded down
to protect my ego.