After a year of upheaval and loss, I’m recalibrating. Part of that is an assessment of my current state. An honest eval revealed a lack of friends, especially male friends.
I have lots of people with whom I have a relationship to one degree or another but few (maybe none) that are friends in a meaningful sense.
This topic was motivated by a simple question from a therapist: who do you call, and it can’t be your wife, when you need to talk about the things that matter?
I didn’t have an immediate answer. Which means I didn’t have an answer.
So, how many friends do you have? How do you maintain the friendship? How did it start?
(This isn’t a woe is me post; more like a WTF is me post.)
After a year of upheaval and loss, I’m recalibrating. Part of that is an assessment of my current state. An honest eval revealed a lack of friends, especially male friends.
I have lots of people with whom I have a relationship to one degree or another but few (maybe none) that are friends in a meaningful sense.
This topic was motivated by a simple question from a therapist: **who do you call, and it can’t be your wife, when you need to talk about the things that matter? **
I didn’t have an immediate answer. Which means I didn’t have an answer.
So, how many friends do you have? How do you maintain the friendship? How did it start?
(This isn’t a woe is me post; more like a WTF is me post.)
Your answer should have been, “Isn’t that what I’m paying you quite a bit of money for?”
There have been a number of studies and articles written over the past few years about the “crisis” related to adult males having not enough and not as many close friends as they used to.
My therapist asked me the same.
I call my siblings, first, usually. A few friends I keep in touch with, but sporadic, maybe every few months. Locally, the friends I have, we are not that close as far as sharing that type of stuff. Casual, meetup for pub trivia, ride together, work on trails, etc. share a meal.
My friend’s husband has the same problem - trying to make actual friends and not just acquaintances. My nephew doesn’t seem to have this problem. He has some very longtime friends from high school and some longtime friends from his first couple of jobs. I wonder if the differences that my nephew has stayed in the same general geographical area and my friend’s husband did not.
When I moved from California to Tennessee, I had to make all new friends. I had a very close knit group in San Francisco and we are still friends, but we just don’t see each other in person that much. It was hard to make friends in Tennessee, but cycling and swimming helped. And from people I met in those two groups, they introduced me to other people who are my kind of folk. I would say of the four people that I spend the most time with now, two of them I met bike racing, one I knew online from a triathlon list serve but we did not meet in person until I moved to Nashville, and the other one I met through one of the bike racing gals when I was invited to join their book club.
how many friends do you have? How do you maintain the friendship? How did it start?
In a truly meaningful sense, one. We met in 8th grade, best friends since. Thirty five years or so now, wow. He still lives in Jersey, I’m down in VA and we both live incredibly busy lives, but typically I am the one who maintains the connection, makes the road trips etc. He owns his own business and has since college, where we lived together, so it’s easier for me to break away and make the trip. We see each other twice a year or so, talk maybe once a month, but he’s my guy. It will be a hard pill to swallow if he dies before me and I’m coherent enough to understand it. Closer than family by a wide margin.
I work in a hospital environment which is sort of like college, you know a lot of people and it feels like working with friends but you never get together outside of work. My critical care group is very close, we’re hang out and shoot the shit and can talk about anything with each other. Very supportive. Most of them would give me the shirt off their back if I were in need. Many of us text frequently in group chats and stay in constant contact but again, not outside of work. I live 2.5h from the hospital so there’s no stopping by each other’s place or meeting up at the bar.
I live in a rural area and so obviously my wife is my best friend for all practical purposes. We spend the majority of our free time together which is great, but I do miss having guy friends to grab a beer with or just kick around doing guy shit. My wife is basically a dude at heart so she’s always down to watch sports, grab a drink, take the motorcycle out for a ride, work out together etc., and I’m lucky in that respect, but it does get to me sometimes watching TV or movies and seeing a bunch of guys hanging out on the regular. I don’t know if that’s the norm for middle age married dudes or not, but it feels like it is and that I’m missing out on it. Everything in life is a compromise and my living situation is fairly enviable in terms of property, location, natural resources etc. so I’m not complaining. And honestly I’m not sure how I would really enjoy that now given that I’m used to my current arrangement. I’m inundated with people and conversation at work so maybe it’s a grass-is-greener situation.
I have a great wife, one ride-or-die friend and several that would be there for me if I needed them no questions asked, so I consider myself fortunate.
I have lots of acquaintances but probably only 6 friends. The kind of people that would drop anything to help you. We have been friends for close to 30-40 years.
Maintaining friendships takes effort. My group of friends is spread out so I go out of my way to see them and communicate with them. We have a group chat on Signal that we post to most days.
My best friend though is my wife. I love hanging out with her…she tolerates me.
My husband has about 6 really close friends both male and female that have been there for him through thick and thin. He is a friendly, giving guy.
I have maybe one friend that I talk to on the phone as she lives several states away. No one else that I actually talk to( I mean talk…not text). Texting friends are not really friends, I think, as you don’t even know it is them you are talking with. I am harder to get along with I guess. I have always had a hard time making friends. I now that I am close to retirement, I need to learn how to do that!
After a year of upheaval and loss, I’m recalibrating. Part of that is an assessment of my current state. An honest eval revealed a lack of friends, especially male friends.
I have lots of people with whom I have a relationship to one degree or another but few (maybe none) that are friends in a meaningful sense.
This topic was motivated by a simple question from a therapist: who do you call, and it can’t be your wife, when you need to talk about the things that matter?
I didn’t have an immediate answer. Which means I didn’t have an answer.
So, how many friends do you have? How do you maintain the friendship? How did it start?
(This isn’t a woe is me post; more like a WTF is me post.)
I would say I have 3 friends that I would seek out to discuss problems with(one much more than the other 2). All 3 are cycling friends and 2 of them are former coworkers.
I worry more about my wife, she doesn’t really have any close friends. Neither of us are very social.
I would say I have 4 currently and have lost two to freak accidents in the past two years which has been tough. Of the four I have remaining, 1 I work with and is technically my boss but have known for 25ish years and worked together for 20, 2 I met at church, and 1 I met at a neighborhood association meeting. I would say the last 3 on that list are all close to myself and two each other. We have had lots of “difficult†conversations over the years on a variety of topics and nothing is off the table with us.
This is an interesting topic as I have thought about it a lot over the past year or two both for myself and my wife. My wife has nobody that she would probably put in that category unfortunately. I hope one day she will have someone like that outside of myself but not sure if that will happen for her.
As part of a resolution for this year, I have tried to make it a point to develop a more in depth friendship with friends a few friends who I would put in the category below the type of friend you are talking about. So far it has been good but they are still not people that I would probably put in the highest category.
For you, I hope you are able to develop that. It is something that has been invaluable to me and not something I take for granted.
My wife has nobody that she would probably put in that category unfortunately. I hope one day she will have someone like that outside of myself but not sure if that will happen for her.
Similar with my wife. She was a military spouse before divorce, bounced around the country as they do and when she finally ditched that bag of dicks she ended back in her hometown close to family. She has several former classmates and colleagues from work but no every day best friend, so she and her mother (who lives down the road) are very close. She has one friend, also in medicine, whom she graduated with and seems to be closest to, so I have a no questions asked policy about girls night: any social event that she’s invited to or wants to host, the answer from me is yes and I schedule around it. I think she really suffers from isolation when she’s not working and home with kids and I’m not around, and even when I am she needs more social interaction than I can provide. It makes a world of difference for her.
I would say I have four really close friends I can talk to about anything. One is my cousin, two I met 24 years ago in middle school, and the last was actually my first friend. Our dad’s both moved here from Italy in the 70s and were part of a small immigrant community. Our families were together all the time, him and I were born a year apart. He’s like a brother.
My cousin lives close to me, and he actually worked for me for 7 years, so we are very close and keep in touch regularly. The other two from school, we text frequently but maybe meet up 2-4 times a year. My original friend, we talk maybe twice a year but whenever we see each other we just pick back up in a heart beat, it’s all hugs and laughs and there is a real genuine connection there.
Someone else here said that friendships take effort, and most of my friends and I are in the stage of life where we are busy with young kids, and the stars don’t often align to get together.
I’m also terrible for keeping in touch, and my social cup gets filled pretty quickly so I tend to prioritize using my free time to do stuff alone. If I have a few hours to spare, I’m probably going to get some exercise, take the dog for a hike, go out for ride (sorry blep), read a book etc. I like my own company. I never regret reaching out to see friends but often never overcome the inertia required to make plans.
My wife had two really close friends. One lives around 8 hours away by car in a remote area so flying isn’t an option. The other one lived a couple of blocks away but she sadly died suddenly last year, and losing her has been incredibly hard on my wife. She is far more extroverted than me, and is really missing that deep social connection that was so close and convenient.
I am still very close with all 8 of my college roommates. We are scattered around the country, but communicate via text thread throughout the year. We are all planing a trip with our wives to celebrate our 40th birthdays next year.
I still connect with a couple high school friends, usually banter around football season and we still have the ability to make fun of each other like we are in 8th grade.
Locally, I have friends that I do stuff with. Would only consider a small handful friends.
I have always valued friendships as a priority and am extroverted. My career path has put me in many networking positions and my business has me in the community a fair bit.
I have goals to keep these friendships to the day we see each other off to the end.
One in Australia, one in KSA, one in France and two or three others in UK
All I text with every day, one in Oz I probably speak to twice / three times a week on meets, one in KSA i have dinner with once a week, one in France I text and speak to every day - more or less - and one in UK I message daily and see F2F once a quarter. the others in the UK I see once or twice a year we remain in touch via whatsapp
The first three I probably discuss anything with - the last one is not quite as good a friend - its context specific
One in Oz I met in 2011 / 12 in Qatar, the one in KSA I meet 20+ years ago and the one in France 20 years ago
I can remember when and where I met each of them for the first time which is slightly weird.
I have no friends from school or university, none that predate turning 28 / 29 - which might also be weird.
I have some other acquaintances but they’re not what I’d call friends though I am friendly with them
I have 2 lifelong friends from my hometown. Pretty good friends with a guy I’ve worked with 15 years but not the same. A few others we might get together for dinner every so often.
I have no friends from school or university, none that predate turning 28 / 29 - which might also be weird.
I wouldn’t call it weird but it’s foreign to me. In my situation also most of the kids I grew up with went to the same college so they formed many of my college friends as well. I don’t know how as an adult I would make those sorts of close friends, there just isn’t the time.