I feel a little foolish and stupid posting this on a triathlon forum but in all sincerity, Slowtwitch is full of the sharpest, most thoughtful collection of people I could think of to ask…
A month ago I found out that my wife was having an affair with a friend of mine (former friend now, obviously). She said it never got physical and I believe her. But they talked to each other for 1-2 hours per day, every weekday, for 6 months straight. They went out for drinks together. He even came to my house once to drink beers with her while I was at work (then lied about why he was there when I got home). Emotionally it was pretty deep.
She has owned up to all her mistakes and betrayals, has no problem being transparent with me now, and I know she is dreadfully sorry about it all.
I love her and have no intention whatsoever of leaving her and I know she feels the same. We are limping along, trying to sort it all out, but…
Mentally, I can’t get over it. And the misery and pain it’s causing me is effecting how I interact with her, which in turn is making her sad and miserable, which in turn is making me angry because I feel like she has no right to be upset at me since she caused this in the first place, which I know is not really true but I think it anyway, which makes me feel like an idiot for believing something which is patently flase, which makes me act like debbie downer, which makes her uncomfortable, which causes me to drink myself into a stupor so I won’t have to think about it, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
It’s an ugly downward spiral.
Can anybody relate to this? What do I do about it? I’ve never felt so lost.
seek out couples therapy. A good therapist will help you both work through it, you might only need 1-2 sessions, but it will give you a framework for working through it.
It’s a hard situation. However, to be practical (and yes, I have had this situation before as well) are you sure that you know everything? Unfortunately in cases like this her word and the word of your so called friend isn’t enough. I only say that because I strongly doubt that a six month long emotional affair never turned physical, especially since you know for sure at least once he was over at your house when you were not there. I’m also a bit vindictive so if there is another partner involved (ie the guy has a wife) I’d make sure they know as well.
It is probably fresh right now, so time does heal. I’d definitely go the counselling route for sure ASAP, and individual counselling for both of you if you can, but definitely for you. It really helps to be able to talk about this with someone non-judgemental and who you can be totally open with. Stop drinking for sure - it doesn’t help and when you drink you get emotional and things can get nasty in a hurry, plus it isn’t doing you any good. Since we’re on a tri board if you feel like drinking just go out for a bike ride or run to clear your head. Since you’re on the internet, there are lots of message boards with people who have similar experiences and can help you better than we can.
Marriage Builders is a great resource - marriagebuilders.com. They have a very very active forum and their principles have been shown to work to restore marriages over and over again.
I would concur with one of the previous posters that it is highly unlikely that there was nothing physical.
I can’t imagine what you are going through - it must truly be gut wrenching.
This is your ticket out. Your wife is miserable, you are miserable, the marriage is not working out. Even if you want it to work out, it is not. This is your opportunity to break off the marriage and move on with the new opportunity to meet someone compatible that you can make happy, and that can make you happy. People stay in bad relationships because they don’t want to be a failure, because they don’t know how to get out, because they have a lot invested in the form of time, children, finances, friends, because they don’t want to be alone, because they don’t want to be abandoned, and more. Or because they don’t know how to get out. Well, this is your opportunity to get out. Getting out is good.
Most marriages can work through these issues. Infidelity is an issue that 99% of marriages can overcome if the couple really works hard at identifying and resolving the issues. If there are children involved, then you will be doing the right thing by trying to work it out and forgiving your spouse. If there is finances involved, and you are older, it will take you a very long time to recover. If you are only blaming your spouse, perhaps 30% of the affiar is your fault - are you an alcoholic, etc? The two of you fell in love for a reason, and that reason is still valid. Working it out is good.
My personal opinion? People change, and they don’t always change at the same rate. The two of you may be in very different places right now and it may not be worth saving the marriage. Obviously the two of you are unhappy, and you can probably never trust your wife again. But divorce is hell (I’ve been and would not wish it on my worst enemy) and the taking the steps towards divorce should not be seen lightly.
First, I am really sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine the physical, emotional and mental pain that you are dealing with. It is perfectly normal to be distant or closed off from her. You should interact differently with her. That doesn’t mean you go out of your way to be disrespectful. But you likely don’t want to communicate, have any level of intimacy with her. She betrayed the very fabric of your relationship. Without trust, there isn’t much more to work with. I understand why she is getting upset, but you need to gently remind her that this isn’t about her feelings. It is about what YOU are going through. And though it will be tough, don’t cave on this issue.
To echo a few things others had said:
–If you want to work things out, then you need to establish a support group ASAP. This can be your family, friends, coworkers or anonymous internet forums. The first thing you need is someone in your corner that you can talk to. That will help you get your feet back underneath you. Second, I strongly suggest counseling. This person is trained to help you work through the issue. I would start with 2-3 sessions on your own before bringing you wife. And then 2-3 sessions together. I would book them about every 2 weeks until things calm down. Hopefully with time and your ability to vent, things will be a bit easier for you.
–On the flip side, I agree with Yahey too. You say you have no intentions of leaving her and that is quite noble. I suggest you take a moment, step back and look at your relationship from afar. No relationship is perfect. And many relationships are very broken. If you step back and you see a destructive pattern in your relationship, then that is telling you something. I tend to believe that most men will never leave their wives because it makes them look weak. I have seen it for 30+ years with my own father. He instead subjects himself to a marriage that is very one-sided, abusive and probably brings him no fulfillment. No one will judge you if this is the issue that breaks your marriage. Take this opportunity and make sure you are in the marriage that you want.
Your love for her is a very important thing that you have going for you. If she really has owned up to things, it is important for you to forgive her because forgiveness is the truest form of love.
Many people in your situation would run like hell…takes a lot of courage to think things through.
Slowtwitch is full of the sharpest, most thoughtful collection of people I could think of to ask…
First of all ^that^ should be in pink.
She said it never got physical…
Likely not true.
drink myself into a stupor so I won’t have to think about it,
This may be the root of your problems. It certainly isn’t a solution.
Do you have kids? If not, it’s likely time to go your separate ways. Unless you can stop drinking, accept that she cheated on you (emotionally and physically), and make yourself a better man, it’s done. If it isn’t at least partially your fault then you married a complete bitch whore. BTW, if you do all of that you won’t have a problem finding someone else.
If you have kids, suck it up until they’re out of the house.
Good luck. I am sorry for your situation. Even though I don’t know you I’m always saddened when relationships go down the tubes.
Slowtwitch is full of the sharpest, most thoughtful collection of people I could think of to ask…
First of all ^that^ should be in pink.
She said it never got physical…
Likely not true.
drink myself into a stupor so I won’t have to think about it,
This may be the root of your problems. It certainly isn’t a solution.
Do you have kids? If not, it’s likely time to go your separate ways. Unless you can stop drinking, accept that she cheated on you (emotionally and physically), and make yourself a better man, it’s done. If it isn’t at least partially your fault then you married a complete bitch whore. BTW, if you do all of that you won’t have a problem finding someone else.
**If you have kids, suck it up until they’re out of the house. **
Good luck. I am sorry for your situation. Even though I don’t know you I’m always saddened when relationships go down the tubes.
The bolded is the single worst piece of advice in this thread. I have a friend that parents got divorced when he was young and it was the best thing in that situation. Because the parents were happier divorced than they were together and it was easier on the kids. If you stay with her make it because you want to be with her and not any outside reasons. It has to be the decision that is best for you.
Sometimes staying for the kids is best, sometimes not. Depends on how toxic the home life. Many a couple have successfully remained together for the kids which became their bridge to repairing the relationship that may have otherwise been impulsively sacrificed without the concern of the young ones. Also, divorce can be very disastrous for children. With that said, sometimes it is better for the kids long term depending on how bad things are at home. One size fits all doesn’t work and the marriage/family dynamic is very complicated.
First off, stop the drinking, even in social amounts. At least for a while. You don’t want to develop additional troubles on top of the ones you’ve already got. If you need to drink, don’t drink alone. Find someone who can serve as your wingman, not to help you pick up women, but to keep you from doing something stupid.
Second, I’m guessing that you have in the back of your head that the affair did become physical, despite what she tells you. You’ll need to work through that. But you can only work through it if you are honest with yourself about it.
If you don’t have the tools in house to work through the process, you’ll need a counselor or some other support system.
Sometimes staying for the kids is best, sometimes not. Depends on how toxic the home life. Many a couple have successfully remained together for the kids which became their bridge to repairing the relationship that may have otherwise been impulsively sacrificed without the concern of the young ones. Also, divorce can be very disastrous for children. With that said, sometimes it is better for the kids long term depending on how bad things are at home. One size fits all doesn’t work and the marriage/family dynamic is very complicated.
Like you said this isn’t a one size fits all situation and the OP should do what is best for his situation. Like you said raising your kids in a toxic environment could be worse than raising them as divorced parents. Or vice verse. I think you and I are saying the same things you just said them better than me.
**If you have kids, suck it up until they’re out of the house. **
Good luck. I am sorry for your situation. Even though I don’t know you I’m always saddened when relationships go down the tubes.
The bolded is the single worst piece of advice in this thread. I have a friend that parents got divorced when he was young and it was the best thing in that situation. Because the parents were happier divorced than they were together and it was easier on the kids. If you stay with her make it because you want to be with her and not any outside reasons. It has to be the decision that is best for you.
Probably should have been a bit clearer. What I’d like to add is this…
When you stay for the kids mom and dad have to be civil to each other and at least pretend they love each other. You’d be surprised how this can fix a relationship. The part where I told the OP to stop drinking and man up is related to that. If he’s gonna be a drunk and she’s gonna be a two bit, unpaid whore then by all means they should separate no matter what.
Others will disagree (and there are always exceptions) but I think people should do whatever it takes to take care of their kids, together. Again, others will disagree and I can live with that.
As far as it being the “single worst piece of advice” because of your friend’s situation (how do you know the kids are better off anyway?), well, as they say N=1. I have friends too.
**If you have kids, suck it up until they’re out of the house. **
Good luck. I am sorry for your situation. Even though I don’t know you I’m always saddened when relationships go down the tubes.
The bolded is the single worst piece of advice in this thread. I have a friend that parents got divorced when he was young and it was the best thing in that situation. Because the parents were happier divorced than they were together and it was easier on the kids. If you stay with her make it because you want to be with her and not any outside reasons. It has to be the decision that is best for you.
Probably should have been a bit clearer. What I’d like to add is this…
When you stay for the kids mom and dad have to be civil to each other and at least pretend they love each other. You’d be surprised how this can fix a relationship. The part where I told the OP to stop drinking and man up is related to that. If he’s gonna be a drunk and she’s gonna be a two bit, unpaid whore then by all means they should separate no matter what.
Others will disagree (and there are always exceptions) but I think people should do whatever it takes to take care of their kids, together. Again, others will disagree and I can live with that.
As far as it being the “single worst piece of advice” because of your friend’s situation (how do you know the kids are better off anyway?), well, as they say N=1. I have friends too.
I was the worst piece of advice in this thread. For every kid that was messed up by their parents getting divorced there is another one that got messed up by their parents staying together for them. Every situation is different and the OP should do what is best for his situation.
I was the worst piece of advice in this thread. For every kid that was messed up by their parents getting divorced there is another one that got messed up by their parents staying together for them. Every situation is different and the OP should do what is best for his situation.
Well, ok. Never mind, then. I guess you’ve got it all figured out.
This wasn’t a fling. A six month relationship (physical or not) with a mutual friend took some planning and probably many chances for them to stop it but they continued. Call me cynical or whatever but I just went through this and while it still sucks I know I am better off.
Good luck, I don’t envy your next few months but it will get better.
Odd what I've seen over the years. In the instance of an affair, if it was the husband, the wife tearfully asks "do you love her?", while if the wife cheated, the husband angrily asks "did you have sex with him?". Not universal, and probably says more about those asking the question, but it goes to motivation. What did your wife want/get out of the relationship with him? Answer could be "newness" or maybe it was sex, but is probably intimacy. If you love her, and believe she loves you, the two of you should try to do a look back to see where your relationship went off the rails...and it was not when you discovered she had the extramarital activity. Good luck.
ps. quit drinking for YOU, as it makes you someone you’d rather not be.
Odd what I've seen over the years. In the instance of an affair, if it was the husband, the wife tearfully asks "do you love her?", while if the wife cheated, the husband angrily asks "did you have sex with him?". Not universal, and probably says more about those asking the question, but it goes to motivation. What did your wife want/get out of the relationship with him? Answer could be "newness" or maybe it was sex, but is probably intimacy. If you love her, and believe she loves you, the two of you should try to do a look back to see where your relationship went off the rails...and it was not when you discovered she had the extramarital activity. Good luck.
ps. quit drinking for YOU, as it makes you someone you’d rather not be.
Looking at it from an evolutionary/biological perspective, this is no real surprise. The big risk a male faces
is that he is being cuckolded (raising another man’s offspring instead of his own). The big risk a female faces
is not getting help raising her children. So men are biologically wired to worry more about cheating with sex,
women about cheating with time/resources (which corresponds pretty closely to intimacy).
As to the OP. I’m sorry for what you are going through. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I know enough to offer
any advice, just my sympathies. Good luck.
I was the worst piece of advice in this thread. For every kid that was messed up by their parents getting divorced there is another one that got messed up by their parents staying together for them. Every situation is different and the OP should do what is best for his situation.
Well, ok. Never mind, then. I guess you’ve got it all figured out.
By no means I am claiming to have it figured out, but working in a middle school I get to see both sides of this puzzle far more often than I would like.
Just want to add…kids aren’t stupid. If their parents love isn’t genuine there is no way to hide it. They notice and it affects them far more than they let on.
To the OP, I am sorry you are having to go through this. I’ll concur that both individual and couples therapy needs to be ASAP. Both of you need someone that is impartial and whose job it is to help people work through these very problems. Also, I would stop drinking. I get the feeling you already know, but it’s not helping.
If you have kids, suck it up until they’re out of the house.
On paper this always sounds like a good idea and I am always surprised that many couples actually do this. There are some significant down-sides to it:
Unless you and your spouse are academy award winning actors, your kids will be able to see right through the act that you both are putting on. At the very least they will not see what a genuine loving, passionate and caring husband & wife relationship is all about. Role-modeling is the most powerful educational tool for kids!
If you are able pull it off, and somehow fool the kids( and everyone else) there still may be down-stream trauma when you announce your separation/divorce after they leave home. They will find out at some point that you stayed together for them, and there will be tremendous guilt that they(the kids) will feel. Many university campuses have counselors on campus to deal with this because, so many parents end up doing this and dropping the separation/divorce bomb on their kids when they are in university!
Divorce is never easy. It’s hard on everyone involved. But kids actually fair reasonably well long-term, if they have been through a “good” divorce - where the divorcing parents have been civil with one another and the communication with the kids has been open, age-appropriate and honest. Kids in these situations fair on average about the same as kids from in-tact nuclear families and much better than situations where the parents stay together for the sake of the kids, but it’s not a very good situation and/or it’s a “bad” divorce and even post-divorce it’s a very negative and toxic situation.