Help me get over being mad at my colleagues and local friends for not asking how I was on Thursday

Lavender Room
1

I need some opinions because maybe I’m just expecting too much, but…
It’s well known among the people I work closely with that I’m from Maine, because I don’t shut up about it (kind of like here). Not one of my colleagues or local friends asked how I was Thursday and I’m really angry about it. I feel like someone should have f***ing asked. My doctoral advisor and a committee member both texted and asked how I was. This was good because otherwise I probably would’ve started the research talk I had to give Thursday afternoon with a sarcastic “I’m fine, thanks for asking.” (I’m kidding, I wouldn’t have done that, but it was how I felt).

I have five colleagues I consider friends. I have a regular text chain with 4 of them. Like, someone says something in the group chat almost every day.

I have lets say 2 friends at the “level” of friendship that I would have expected a “hey, I saw the news, thinking of you” text. When a friend-colleague’s wife was in the hospital two summers ago I text-checked-in with him. If it matters, which it probably does, the colleague-friends are 4 males and one female, and the other friends are both female. Of those two females, one had an aunt die Wednesday or Thursday so it makes sense that she didn’t reach out. The other told me later “I looked up where you were from based on your Facebook and saw it was an hour away and I was just out of bandwidth so I didn’t text you.” I guess people don’t realize how interconnected Maine is as a state because that’s just it, it was an HOUR AWAY from my hometown. (If it had been 3 hrs away in the county IDK? Probably would feel the same?)

Am I being unreasonable to have expected that SOMEONE LOCAL would have asked me how I was? Because I don’t feel that was an unreasonable expectation.

I wasn’t okay Thursday. I was incredibly un-okay. I considered not going to work at all and decided the distraction might help.
I wasn’t okay Friday. I was only very marginally better. I worked because the distraction on Thursday had helped a little bit.
I’m not okay today. I’m marginally marginally better.

Maybe people figured “Allison is here probably distracting herself from worrying”. Maybe males are not as likely to ask if you are ok? I’m trying to find alternative explanations aside from just feeling invisible.

If you think my expectation that someone should have asked me how I was is unreasonable (b/c I am not from Lewiston, because guys generally don’t do feelings, etc), please tell me that. I’m just trying to deal with all the feelings relating to the shooting and how angry and disappointed I am in my colleagues and friends right now. I thought I had good friends :frowning: they are good in lots of ways. But they could have been better friends Thursday and Friday. Maybe just tell me that, my friends could have been better friends to me this week.

I am grateful for the support here on the thread, and the people who messaged me in various ways. YOU all are good friends :slight_smile:

2

Here’s a perspective

What do they say if your uncle or HS sweetheart was shot? Let’s be honest there was a significantly higher chance of that being the answer than a shooting in a big city and they probably didn’t want to ask you and have that be the answer. That doesn’t mean they would not have been a good friend had someone you know been hurt especially if they found out second hand, but they were probably afraid of your answer.

3

Here’s a perspective

What do they say if your uncle or HS sweetheart was shot? Let’s be honest there was a significantly higher chance of that being the answer than a shooting in a big city and they probably didn’t want to ask you and have that be the answer. That doesn’t mean they would not have been a good friend had someone you know been hurt especially if they found out second hand, but they were probably afraid of your answer.

I hadn’t considered that. My honest response - and I’m being 100% honest here because I’ve found it’s the only way to deal productively with feelings - is that there was a significantly higher chance of that should have made people MORE likely to ask how I was, I guess.

But I also understand your point. I can intellectually understand “Allison is from Maine. It is very possible she knows someone who was shot last night. She is here and she is an adult so she must have decided she is okay enough to be here so I am not going to mention it.”

I’m also trying to remind myself that I work with people who are the equivalent of Sheldon Cooper, which probably plays into this.

Thank you. I appreciate the conversation and your thoughts. I really do.

4

I think everyone is just numb to shootings these day. A lot of people’s reaction is just ‘‘Oh, it’s been a while since we’ve had a big one. What did Taylor Swift do today.’’ Others say ‘‘That reminds me, I need to get more guns and ammo’’

It’s not that your friends don’t care about you, shootings just don’t register anymore.

5

I think everyone is just numb to shootings these day. A lot of people’s reaction is just ‘‘Oh, it’s been a while since we’ve had a big one. What did Taylor Swift do today.’’ Others say ‘‘That reminds me, I need to get more guns and ammo’’

It’s not that your friends don’t care about you, shootings just don’t register anymore.

That’s an excellent point.

And the “oh I need more guns and ammo” is pretty true around here

6

I’d let it go, it’s really out of your control how other people will react to the situation. Perhaps they were looking for a cue from you and if you didn’t seem upset then maybe they think everything is ok thus not asking? Or they could be putzes?

7

I’d let it go, it’s really out of your control how other people will react to the situation. Perhaps they were looking for a cue from you and if you didn’t seem upset then maybe they think everything is ok thus not asking? Or they could be putzes?

this all is helping me let it go. Thanks.

8

https://media.tenor.com/U_uNY-KPh60AAAAC/how-you-doin-friends.gif
.

9

I always like humor
a little better, thanks
moving a little away from wanting to tell my colleagues and friends “f you and the horse you rode in on”
people out here got horses and stuff for real
.

10

Wow. Call me dense but I would never have thought someone would expect me to ask how they were doing because of some tragedy somewhere they had previously lived, especially a state. Those dots just do not connect for me.

Then there is the sheer volume of them. Over 500 so far this year in the U.S. Too much for me to connect the many, many dots.

11

I have found, sadly, that if a situation does not apply to people, they don’t think twice how it affects you. I have had several tragic events in the last 5 years that went unnoticed by my coworkers and most friends( and they knew about all). There were NO “how are you” etc. Work as usual. Life goes on bullshit.

I am very sorry this hit so close to home. We just returned from vacay in Maine. We love Maine. I realize how unusual this is.

12

Years ago a lady that I was friends with and sang with in the church choir got a divorce from her husband. I had no idea. I asked another lady in the choir if they had gotten a divorce, and she told me that she had.

A few days later, the divorced friend asked me why I had asked the other friend instead of asking her directly. I told her that I assumed that it could be a pretty emotional subject and didn’t want to say/ask anything that would upset her.

There are probably a number of reasons that they didn’t ask. They may have thought that you would have said something if someone you knew was hurt, or maybe they didn’t want to bring up a subject that would get you upset at work. If they are friends, I would give the benefit of the doubt rather than thinking they were uncaring.

13

I would offer two thoughts.

First, your anger towards your colleagues is almost definitely partly your psyche’s way of dealing with whatever emotions you have about the shooting. It’s ok to feel that, so long as you understand that’s what it is and get to the point where you let it go.

Second, I think many people would not assume that just because something bad happened in a State someone is from, that it necessarily means they are deeply impacted. Many people don’t have that kind of feeling towards a “home State.” I grew up in Illinois, but if someone went on a shooting spree in Springfield, it wouldn’t stir up any particularly strong concerns over and above just the normal response. I think, based on what I’ve seen over the years, that most people are like that. I think fewer of them would have a strong reaction unless the bad event happened to someone they knew, or maybe in their specific hometown or neighborhood. Plenty of people know I grew up around Chicago, but I would never expect them to ask about my well-being because something bad happened in Chicago while I’ve been living in San Diego.

So managing expectations along with understanding your brain’s response to distress might help you take a deep breath and let the anger go.

14

It never would have occured to me to reach out to see how you were doing. I might ask about the impact to the town but it wouldn’t have really struck me that someone who used to live there would feel impacted.

And, sadly, it might be because any more I kin of assume almost everyone has lived close to where something like this has happened.

15

I didn’t hear about the shooting until a couple days after, like yesterday. But I don’t really watch any news anymore. Perhaps they are not as in tune with the news along with what others have said?

16

Wow. Call me dense but I would never have thought someone would expect me to ask how they were doing because of some tragedy somewhere they had previously lived, especially a state. Those dots just do not connect for me.

Then there is the sheer volume of them. Over 500 so far this year in the U.S. Too much for me to connect the many, many dots.

I spend summers there, which is, again, fairly well known.
I appreciate your reply. Clearly my colleagues may have felt similarly and your reasoning explains that in a way that helps me understand. Thank you.

17

I have found, sadly, that if a situation does not apply to people, they don’t think twice how it affects you. I have had several tragic events in the last 5 years that went unnoticed by my coworkers and most friends( and they knew about all). There were NO “how are you” etc. Work as usual. Life goes on bullshit.

I’m sorry your tragic events went unnoticed and un-asked about.

I realize how unusual this is.
yeah, and that’s part of what’s scary, I hope no one else back home gets the same idea. Like post columbine there’s just been an epidemic. And now this is a Thing That Happened At A Major Scale in Maine .

18

Years ago a lady that I was friends with and sang with in the church choir got a divorce from her husband. I had no idea. I asked another lady in the choir if they had gotten a divorce, and she told me that she had.

A few days later, the divorced friend asked me why I had asked the other friend instead of asking her directly. I told her that I assumed that it could be a pretty emotional subject and didn’t want to say/ask anything that would upset her.

There are probably a number of reasons that they didn’t ask. They may have thought that you would have said something if someone you knew was hurt, or maybe they didn’t want to bring up a subject that would get you upset at work. If they are friends, I would give the benefit of the doubt rather than thinking they were uncaring.

Thank you for this.

19

First, your anger towards your colleagues is almost definitely partly your psyche’s way of dealing with whatever emotions you have about the shooting. It’s ok to feel that, so long as you understand that’s what it is and get to the point where you let it go.

Second, I think many people would not assume that just because something bad happened in a State someone is from, that it necessarily means they are deeply impacted. Many people don’t have that kind of feeling towards a “home State.” I grew up in Illinois, but if someone went on a shooting spree in Springfield, it wouldn’t stir up any particularly strong concerns over and above just the normal response. I think, based on what I’ve seen over the years, that most people are like that. I think fewer of them would have a strong reaction unless the bad event happened to someone they knew, or maybe in their specific hometown or neighborhood. Plenty of people know I grew up around Chicago, but I would never expect them to ask about my well-being because something bad happened in Chicago while I’ve been living in San Diego.

So managing expectations along with understanding your brain’s response to distress might help you take a deep breath and let the anger go.

This is all really helpful. I hadn’t considered the bold part at all and I’m sure you’re 100% correct.

21

I’m sorry no one texted or called after your surgery. Seems like they thought the flowers sufficed?