I am not a woman, and really not sure if I am allowed to post anything in here, but I posted this in the lavender room and thought that the local trichicks could offer some valuable advice. Here is the original post:
My fiance and I are trying to plan a wedding for September and my family is trying to hijack the wedding plans. I need some advice. My little brother and his wife got married a couple of years ago and my mom completely hijacked the planning and I am trying to avoid this situation without being a complete ass.
There are some factors that set me apart from my brother’s situation:
Him and his wife are people pleasers, almost to the point that they are push overs. I am not. I am a first born, type-A, personality.
-They were only 21 when they got married, we will both be 26.
They didn’t have a clue what they wanted. We know what we want. -They didn’t pay for their wedding. We are paying for all of ours - on a limited budget.
The main contention point is the size of the wedding. We want to have a small wedding. 50-60 people (not invites, people) which would mean our immediate familys, a couple of aunts and uncles and our close friends. We have been told that the way it should be done is to invite all of our family (aunts, uncles, cousins) then our friends, then the bride’s family invites who they want then the grooms family invites who they want. If we followed this protocol, my family alone would be 56 people and the entire wedding would be 200-300 people. My brothers was 350 plus.
We have been told that this wedding is “not for the two people getting married. The wedding is for the family.” I call BS on that.
I have no problem saying this is the way it is going to be. End of story. But, I often am not very graceful in my approach. So STers, how do I handle my mom and my aunt here without severing those relationships?
Is there a way to compromise? For example, tell your folks that you’re going to decide the invitation list (and pay for) your wedding, but ask them if they would like to throw (and pay for) a party where they decide on the invite list. Of course, this suggestion only makes sense if you want to be at least partially solicitous of your parents’ wishes. If not, do what you want and leave it at that.
Elope! Seriously. If not, shut the drama down now and then don’t address it anymore, otherwise, it can drag on and on and make you miserable and all of your memories will be how beautiful your wife was and how other people tried to ruin it for you. Best of luck with it all but I was say disengage from the drama and protect your wife.
I echo the “If you’re paying the bills, you should do what you want” sentiments. If there’s some aspect of the wedding that you feel comfortable handing off to you mom/aunt so that they can be involved that might be a good compromise, or perhaps they can host a wedding-related gathering before or after the big day that they can invite whoever the heck they want to and you guys just have to show up and look marital. I’ve been married for just over 14 years and I’m still amazed how the simple act of inviting people to what is essentially a nice party where you feed them, give them beverages and say some nice things to each other brings out some of the rudest and craziest responses in some folks.
And yes, your wedding should be about you - screw the family…
I love your signature line and missed you at this year’s training camp.
Back to the OP though, let me be even more clear-you can’t have what you want. There is no way to make your mother happy while simultaneously making yourself happy on this. Begin your marriage by leaving your mother and cleaving to your wife.
How does your fiance feel? Seriously, you have to put her and yourself first.
We had exactly the same problem with my mother. We stood our ground and had a very small wedding of 26 people. But it was 26 people who really meant everything to us and for us it was perfect.
You cannot let a future mother in law come between you and your wife. Be polite, give your explanation but make sure they understand that is the end of it.
I missed you guys too! But the vacation dollars needed to involve the husband this year and some belated visits to family. Next year, I’m hoping to make it happen.
Just celebrated my eighth anniversary with my wife, and one topic we had was how we would have done our wedding differently.
We did get married very young and we were completely broke at the time. Needless to say we had little idea about who we were as a couple and were very much like your family members. Every one wanted this big church wedding and we had to work just to cut it to 250 people.(the max we could afford. When we left the wedding I think we had 200 bucks to our name. Luckily the guesta were generous)
In the end it was this ridculous affair filled with many people we didn’t know let alone cared for.
If we got married now, we would do it as a destination wedding, outdoors, with just close friends and immediate family. Our wedding wasn’t what we wanted and as a result wasn’t as special as it should be. A wedding is about you and your wife and it is the one time you should be selfish and your family should accept it.
… let me be even more clear-you can’t have what you want. There is no way to make your mother happy while simultaneously making yourself happy on this. Begin your marriage by leaving your mother and cleaving to your wife.
Exactly.
This wedding is also a test and a precedence setting event. If you let your mother call the shots on this, she will continue to do so after you are married and once you become a parent. Trust me on this, I’ve seen it dozens of times. You need to assert yourself as an adult and have the wedding you and your fiancée want.
The wedding is not about the guests, it’s about the bride and groom, but mostly the bride.
Your mother already planned a wedding - hers.
Do it the way you want, and don’t apologize to anyone. It’s your day, nobody else’s.
This is great advice: Is there a way to compromise? For example, tell your folks that you’re going to decide the invitation list (and pay for) your wedding, but ask them if they would like to throw (and pay for) a party where they decide on the invite list. Of course, this suggestion only makes sense if you want to be at least partially solicitous of your parents’ wishes. If not, do what you want and leave it at that.
The beau (I can’t quite get fiance to come out of my mouth, it’s such a fussy word) are getting married July 2. We got engaged April 30th. Wedding will be very small, immediate family only with a bigger reception in October. We’re doing what we want with nobody questioning it. We’re also in our 40’s and it’s my first marriage I think my whole family is so shocked and happy that I’m getting married that they’re more than willing to go along with whatever we decide!
Like all the other posters – first thing, congrats!!!
I’m going to echo everyone else - its your wedding. It isn’t theirs. You have to do what you want to do.
With that said, here is advice on how my husband and I got around the family telling us what we can and cannot do: we stopped talking with them about wedding plans. The end. Any time it came up, we’d either ignore the question or change the subject, or say, “you’ll see!” Yes, it did cause a few arguments, but after a little while, they gave up. We literally had my husband’s parents threatening not to come to the wedding. But get real - we knew they’d come anyway.
We had a small wedding of 42 people (that included us). It was where we wanted it, almost when we wanted it (the date was picked during the time when they were telling us what we can and cannot do), and in the manner we wanted it. I don’t regret doing that at all.
Lastly, the fact that you’re paying for your wedding solidifies the fact that it is YOUR PARTY. Not theirs!! You throw the party you want to
The other night I was re-watching Forrest Gump for the first time in several years and two things struck me:
Remember that scene when Forrest opens the mailbox with a letter from Apple and talks about how Lt. Dan invested his money in “some sort of fruit company” and we all got a good laugh? Apple stock was at $8 in 1994 when the movie came out. It’s at $350 today. Why didn’t I buy Apple at that point?
Re: weddings – Forrest was filthy rich by the time he finally married Jenny, knew tons of people, including three U.S. presidents, a number of celebrities and pretty much everyone in the state of Alabama. He could have had the mother of all weddings but he kept the ceremony simple, a couple dozen people in his backyard overlooking the lake. Mamma and his buddy Bubba were dead but Lt. Dan (his best living friend) and his new wife made it. I cry every time Lt. Dan shows up with his new legs.
That’s a perfect wedding. Like Forrest, you’re footing the bill. Do whatever you want.
And to segue this back to SlowTwitch, Forrest can run faster and longer than any of us and Lt. Dan can swim better than most of us with no legs.
Remind everyone that the wedding is not the important part; the marriage is. Don’t get caught up in spending all that time and money on a few hours of your lives when you can be planning for the rest of your lives. Save your money for a house, paying off loans, or going on that romantic honeymoon.
It is almost the big day - I hope everything is going smoothly!
The wedding ceremony is absolutely about the Bride and Groom, no one else. The reception/ party after is a little more for the family.
Do not give in to your Mother. She has already planned two weddings (her own and your brothers) and you need to inform her that you’re unlike your brother in the fact that you know exactly what you want, no help needed thanks.
The last thing you want to do is have your big day ruined because it’s someone elses idea of a big day.
Do what you want with your wedding - do not let anyone interfere and tell you what you “should” do. It is all about you two. 19 years ago we had to shut down the interfering step mother (husbands step mom) and tell her unless she was paying we were doing what we wanted.
At times we look back and think about why we did the big ceremony thing - we decided we actually did it for the family not us because my husband was the first of his family getting married. In retrospect we should have eloped.
I’ve been married for just over 14 years and I’m still amazed how the simple act of inviting people to what is essentially a nice party where you feed them, give them beverages and say some nice things to each other brings out some of the rudest and craziest responses in some folks. 