So, this is a first for me. I’ve lost plenty of friends over the years. Like we all do - we move, they move, we slowly grow apart. Like an organic uncoupling. No hard feelings. They are still friends nominally, just not close anymore. It happens. The wheel of life and all that.
But, my wife and I recently lost formerly close friends rather abruptly and for no reason that we can discern. For the last several years, we were close to this couple and their kids. We would see them a few times per week, some times daily. They live down the street. Their kids (3 kids, all under 10) would stop by to hang out and raid the snack fridge. We would celebrate birthdays together. Drink whiskey. Etc etc.
And then, blammo. It was over and done. We weren’t invited to a kid’s birthday party. No check in during my dad’s recent illness and death. No HBD on my 50th. Our formerly very active text thread, which was full of stupid memes, and random jokes, and all of the normal stupid BS banter, has been dormant for over a month. My wife sent them an invite to my 50th birthday taco party with crickets as the response. Without belaboring with boring details, it is quite clear they have moved on.
It’s just odd. My wife tried to reach out and ask what’s up and the response was basically all good, nothing has changed.
Anybody else been ghosted like this? We can definitely take a hint and have moved on. But WTF.
I had a best friend from high-school and college just stopped responding to. Me, and really our core group of college buddies. No one can figure it out.
Just disowned us. We all feel he got butt hurt over something, but no one knows.
That’s a little odd. Assume not politics-related?
Certainly weird if you have no clue what could have caused them to back off so much. We’ve never had anything like that. Normally it’s because people move away, or sometimes if the kids drift apart (or go to college) you may see less of people.
It seems people hang out less together post-COVID. We certainly seem to go to less house parties than we used to. Not sure if that’s a shift others have noticed…. But suddenly being ghosted by friends is not something I’ve experienced.
Sad, but you may just have to chalk it up to “their lossâ€.
Not politics related, no. We are all pretty much on the same page politically.
It’s very strange. And truth be told, pretty hurtful. To not even respond to a major bday invite (even with a “sorry can’t make it”) or offer a condolence at the death of a parent, it feels borderline cruel. I mean, there are lots of people I don’t like and if they lost a parent, I would send a word of encouragement and offer to mow the lawn or whatever.
Yeah, that is odd Jack. All I can say is not everyone has the same social or communication skills. They might be really good with the surface level stuff but when they hit small bumps they struggle. It also might have nothing to do with you or your wife, they might have other issues they are struggling with.
Lots of potential variables. And with young kids, could very easily be hectic. Not unusual for to ebb and flow sometimes. But your Dad being sick and your 50th is odd. Those are good chances to circle back and reconnect.
Maybe they are having personal issues. Also, with young kids getting older, maybe they found a new family where the kids all mesh together. Way out there, maybe one spouse has too much an affinity for one of you guys, and that caused some stress? No idea, but just thinking through why so abrupt.
That was my initial thought. Their social media activity and the comings and goings at the house, which is five houses down the street from mine and right in front of the community mailbox, would suggest otherwise.
For me, the radio silence concerning the loss of my father and my 50th birthday was a message received loud and clear. Formerly, they were on the front porch knocking on the door with food and whiskey in hand when life got messy or to celebrate. This was decidedly different and can’t be ignored.
This a timely post because I’ve been dealing with the exact thing for the past year and a half.
I met my buddy in 2010 in a Spanish class in college and we quickly bonded over both of us being aircrew in the military (me Army, him Navy) and a mutual love of road cycling. Our wives got along great and had their own friendship going, I was his groomsmen and my wife was her bridesmaid at their wedding. We would go riding a couple times a month and regularly kept in touch throughout the week via text.
At the beginning of 2022, I started a new job, got a new number and updated him but then… nothing. Didn’t hear a word from him and he wouldn’t respond to my texts or FB messages. His wife largely quit communicating with mine, but what we did hear was that they had changed duty stations out of state. They didn’t say bye or anything about it but my wife did learn from FB was they were back in town for good this year and that my buddy wouldn’t have to move again because he’s about to retire.
Honestly, it was like a terrible breakup for me. I played back our last conversations in my mind to see if I had done something, but couldn’t come up with anything. Being in my early 40s with kids and working an isolated job, it’s difficult to make friends and he was the only person that I could actually call a friend. 12 years of friendship gone like a flash in the pan.
I had recently come to terms with how it all played out and was I moving on, but this past Tuesday he messaged me out of the blue to ask what I’ve been up to and that his 40th birthday was coming up. I was pleasant in my responses, but it completely fucked with me and I don’t know yet if I want to try and mend things.
Have you gone to him and asked him face to face what it is you guys said or did? It is odd the way things played out, but I’d go over to his house and ask him about it.
That’s really strange. Have you thought about rephrasing the question to be more direct like “hey why are you ghosting me” instead of “what’s up?” Maybe when phrased this way they might answer truthfully.
I would say resist the urge to make permanent decisions about your friendship right now. There could be something going on that will make sense down the line.
It might not be you or your wife, but one of the kids. We have some friends who we hang out with, but a couple of different kids are starting to show some antisocial and just rude vibes towards my kids. We have talked a bit to the other parents, but it often is a but what did your kid do first type of response?
I always explore that possibility in questioning my kids, never take for granted they are always little angels. But if it gets any worse, probably do the ghosting thing with these families if nothing changes. The hard part is convincing your own kid that he his hanging out with ass holes, and needs a new set of friends. So maybe your kid(s) did something, or are perceived to have done something to the other kids? And maybe they just dont want to confront whatever it is, and this is their way of extricating themselves from your family?
And that’s the shitty part when kids are involved, parents can be besties, but when their is a kid conflict and everyone thinks it is the others fault, things often go sideways from there…
I think the no reply to your bd invite is really strange.
Depending on how confrontational you feel, it might be worth sending a text to your friend basically asking why they didn’t respond to the invite - bc that isn’t normal behaviour for even just acquaintances. Then you might get some idea what their issue is.
I doubt you will get back what you had, but you might at least get an answer as to why they ditched you.
I’ve had a friend drop off the radar like that, then reappear a year later, then ghost me again after a year or two, and then repeat the cycle.
It was very troubling to me. I finally figured it out - my good friend suffers from episodes of depression, and when he’s depressed he doesn’t want to talk to anyone at all. So I try to be supportive, and I’m definitely his friend at all times, but I try not to take it personally when I don’t hear from him for extended periods even if I’m reaching out.
I can’t say what’s going on with your friends, but it might be something that is not at all something you said or did.
It might not be you or your wife, but one of the kids. We have some friends who we hang out with, but a couple of different kids are starting to show some antisocial and just rude vibes towards my kids. We have talked a bit to the other parents, but it often is a but what did your kid do first type of response?
I always explore that possibility in questioning my kids, never take for granted they are always little angels. But if it gets any worse, probably do the ghosting thing with these families if nothing changes. The hard part is convincing your own kid that he his hanging out with ass holes, and needs a new set of friends. So maybe your kid(s) did something, or are perceived to have done something to the other kids? And maybe they just dont want to confront whatever it is, and this is their way of extricating themselves from your family?
And that’s the shitty part when kids are involved, parents can be besties, but when their is a kid conflict and everyone thinks it is the others fault, things often go sideways from there…
Our daughter is older and out of the house and has nothing to do with their kids, who are younger.
I should have included in the original post that my wife and I are about 10 years older than them. Although lifestyle wise, we are about the same.
I think the no reply to your bd invite is really strange.
Depending on how confrontational you feel, it might be worth sending a text to your friend basically asking why they didn’t respond to the invite - bc that isn’t normal behaviour for even just acquaintances. Then you might get some idea what their issue is.
I doubt you will get back what you had, but you might at least get an answer as to why they ditched you.
That and no acknowledgement of my dad dying. My wife actually sent the invite twice. Once on our shared text thread and once direct. No response to either. That spoke volumes to me.