Hey ST! I’m back with yet another, possibly unwanted, and certainly redundant, race report. This time it’s a trail half-marathon in Greensboro, NC. As always, being busted by Durham police on Valentine’s Day, sexual dalliances with trolls, and the Capri-Sun saga ensue.
Thanks so, so much for reading, and for all the support (whether on the forum, the blog, or the trails). You guys are awesome 
Executive Summary:
1st overall in 1:17:39. It was extremely muddy on the second lap, which provided an exciting in-race frolicking opportunity. And post-race, it provided a convenient excuse. Luckily, I won by 9 minutes, because I had lots of fiber the day before and the splatter radius was at least 20 feet.
Mud. Yeah…mud.
Post-Race:
Saturday was our Valentine’s Day. It was also our April Fools Day. WE DON’T SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR CONFORMIST CALENDARS. Or do we? It’s a Valenfools mystery! Anyway, we were both still a bit sore from the half-marathon the week before (“we” of course refers to me and my imaginary girlfriend. Pet name: Sasquatch. Theoretical beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unfortunately, sometimes all-too-real back hair is as well. In our case, love hurts the most when it scratches a cornea.). After wearing racing flats for 13.1 miles, I wouldn’t have been surprised if a group of Midwestern, homonym-susceptible famers followed me around, ready to slaughter my useless, flailing calves to make veal. Since they were from the Midwest, I evaded their butcher knives by trapping them in the apartment, and scratching out the telephone number to the local forklift company in the Yellow Pages.
After the race, we romantically shared Fritos Scops, peanut butter, and Capri Sun for recovery. It was like one of the aforementioned Iowans made love to a tropical melon using JIF lubricant…IN OUR MOUTHS. Limping back to Duke, we began the evening by watching the elite women’s mile at the Husky Classic. Amazing person and close friend Lauren Bonds won an incredible race over Jordan Hasay! It is so cool that two of the people I am closest to, two of the best human beings I have ever met (Lauren and the imaginary girlfriend) might be Olympians one day. I WILL PROFIT MIGHTILY FROM MY LOCKS OF HAIR COLLECTION.
http://www.flotrack.org/coverage/238137-Flotrack-Husky-Classic-2011/video/457906-W-mile-H06-live-BondsHasay-434 (watch the amazing video…think I am cool by association
With that amazing finish as a start to the evening, we proceeded to do some stuff that might be deemed romantic, had I not been oozing peanut butter and high-fructose corn syrup from my pores. When we returned to the car, we saw 3 policeman (with dogs!) shining bright spotlights on my pint-sized Suzuki Reno. We approached and asked if everything was okay, which led to being chided for being in a non-perfect part of town, parked in an abandoned park after-hours, all while leaving the doors open. So the officers searched the car, but before letting us go asked one question:
“Why are there so many empty Capri-Suns in the back seat?”
Ummmm…well, we are TOTALLY not dealers.
/smoke bomb
RUN MEGAN!
/post-race getaway limp
With that rebelliously refreshing day of foil-wrapped juice-drinks in our future, we drove to Greensboro, NC for a half-marathon trail race. After getting lost 3 times, we arrived at the race site, which is good because at this point of Western North Carolina, it was either that or a gathering of inbred mutants intent on using our extremities for chainsaw practice. We signed up, warmed up, romantically pooped in the woods, AND THEY’RE OFF!
Last second hydration in the “Delicious” division.
Race:
The first 3/4 of a mile were on park roads, after which we hopped onto twisty single-track (my specialty, I think), plunging down towards a river. Suddenly, I found myself circumventing a wooden structure that looked oddly like a gallows, and was immediately confronted by a fallen tree next to a dilapidated bridge. There may have been a troll, but I am not 100% sure because I turned around as soon as the sinking feeling of losing the trail seeped into my loins. Seeing my mistake, I promised myself I wouldn’t repeat it on the second lap. (FOREBODING GONG SOUNDS)
With the urgency sapped by my flirtatious dalliance with the troll, the race transformed into an exploration, consisting of skips and jumps, thinking as much about my partner-in-Capri-Sun-crime as my own body. Hitting wider horse trails (trails…MADE OF HORSES), I had a disconcerting feeling. In an upset of expectations, it was mud, and not troll herpes. Opening up the stride on the grassy, solid sections, I tried to accelerate whenever I could, while taking the more treacherous sections more easily.
Back onto the single-track, we came to the first of four stream-crossings. There were also rocks for the daintier among us, and being a delicate flower, I did an uncoordinated Black Swan routine across the Boulders. After doing an out-and-back whose divots were impregnated with horse poop, I finished the first loop with a substantial lead in 37:14. Little did I know what awaited me on the quickly thawing trails.
There Will Be Mud. And puns.
After the road section, it was clear that the trail would play tougher on the next 6.5. Bounding down towards the river, I (of course) paid the troll another visit. He refused to pay child support, so I was on my way, back on the trail, trying to stay upright. Hint: I failed. Luckily, if there is anything that playing football taught me, it’s how to go down.*
*Let’s forget I ever worded a sentence this way
Getting up from my 3 falls, I decided to take it super-easy on muddy sections, then sprint everywhere else. The gap to second-place opening, the only remaining obstacles were the last 2 stream crossings. Lapping another racer, I showed my cutthroat urgency:
Such a gentleman. And I hear that he rarely lets his poop splatter on strangers!
After the creek, it was only a mile until the finish, where I excitedly awaited the arrival of my beautiful Valentine. She was amazing, and won the women’s race by 7 mintues over Team Montrail’s Annette Bednosky (a super-cool, really nice person). It was a perfect day, and it is so exciting to be living in a moment that I know, on some distant Valentine’s, I will look back on and think:
That was the best time of my life.
Thanks so much for reading, and I hope things are great in your lives!
