Okay, so to summarize I have:
1 person who thinks the Garmin mount is at fault
1 person who thinks my custom mounting platform is at fault
1 person who has no idea
5 people who tell me to buy something else, without telling me what the problem is
Thanks, guys… 
Seriously, though. Now that the dust has settled and the initial fury has passed, I really don’t want to go indefinitely without a GPS watch just because I can’t stop breaking them. If I get around to it, I’ll take a picture of my mounting platform and post it. It looks ugly as hell, and if my bike cost more than $1,000 and/or had I not bought it off Craig’s List practically sight unseen, it might be embarrassing to have there; but for my bike right now I don’t think it’ll get any double takes. More importantly, it’s SOLID. The only thing that would detach it on a ride would be a head-on collision with a tree, in which case I’d have bigger problems.
I would try the Profile Design mount if I thought it would be any easier, but I’m not convinced it would be. My question was whether the positioning of the mount (ie out on the edge of my aerobars vs tucked back towards the center of the bike’s gravity) would cause any more turbulence to it. If so, I might could just move it back and call it a fix. Not priority 1, though, as I like that it’s right in my current line of sight.
I’ve been trying to rationalize getting a 310xt for months now. Is now the time? I’ve seen a picture of the 310xt mount, but am not familiar with how you get the device on and off of it. I understand it’s not quick release. Is there a way to get it off that you could do in a race? If it costs me a few seconds it’d be fine, as I’m primarily just training for IM-Louisville and wouldn’t care to spend the extra moment in T2. If it takes tools, it might not be worth the convenience.
With regards to buying a 310xt: I’ve never trained with power before, so that opens up a whole new can of worms…
I really want to put this issue to bed. Thanks to all who’ve given advice thus far. Please keep it coming. (in case it’s not evident, I’m non-impulsive almost to a fault. Feel free to tell me to just f*cking do it already.)
Yes, you need to HTFU. You’re doing an Ironman, you’ve already got beyond rationalizing unrational things.

That said, it’s just a quarter turn mount on the 310XT quick release kit. Which means you turn it 45* and it pops out. It’s pretty snug and tight. It uses the exact same mounting system as the Edge 500, which means you can use either Egde 500 mounts or 310XT quick release kit mounts. The Edge 500 mounts are nicer because there are no zipties to deal with. In any case, to see how the whole mount quarter turn thing works, I included a video in my Edge 500 review. The 310XT works exactly the same way using the same system.