Hi. How are you? I’m good thanks. I’ve had a few margaritas and wanted to share my night with you. Because I;ve learned something tonight. Most men live their whole lives without learning this lesson. But I;ve leranined it tonight. Isn’t that special?
I’m out with my wife. We have dinner at an overpriced, snobby Italian place. They don’t have Guiness. Strike one. I have 3 Becks Dark. I figure any port ina storm. I had the shrimp risotto. She had the chicken. It was lovely.
We walk on over to my favorite mexican place. They have outdoor seating. It is 80 degrees and the perfect San Diego night in St Louis. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me. Anyway, we have some maragritas. We have some more margaritas. It is lovely. The table behind me had a guy with a hot piece of ass girl. They are making out over cofee. It is sickengly adorable. It is commented on. After 4 more margaritas a hot 40 year old blonde in a very short skirt and sporting implants joins them. I venture a guess as to an internet 3some. My wife is ambivilant. We have more margaritas. I change the subject.
My wife is throwing ice at me. Why? The cute waitress tells me it is last call. How is that so? Maybe in England, but not here. I just had dinner. Last call? I pay. I tip generously. I use maragrita math to determine the tip. My wife left while I was doing the math and is 200 yards ahead of me. I run her down and she is in the car. Why are the doors locked? I sit on the hood of her Scion and we drive to the road. I get in. She punches me in the balls. Why? Oh god that hurts. I roll down the window and drop my pants. I realize I’m going commando. I put my balls out the window for a blast of 70 mph wind. Man that feels good. Guys, if you’ve never hung the buys out at 70 mph you don’t know what your missing. Like swimming nude. The wife apologizes, claiming accident. I don’t believe her. How do you accidently nail a guy in the nuts? We’re listening to Weezer. I want to live in Beverly Hills.
We get home. I pee in the back yard with the dogs. They are confused but happy. I lay out on the deck. The dogs are all licking my face. For all I know they are humping me and the household dominance chain is irrevocably changed. I must sleep as I have a ride in the morning. It is so nice out. I feel like I am writing the inside of a fortune cookie. I will ride my bike in the morning. Life is lovely…
Thanks Andy for your supprt. Right now my wife is in a state that I call ‘mummified’. She is asleep in bed wearing a sleeping mask and and laying (lieing?) prone on her back with her arms folded straight down next to her sides. And the fan is on 2 feet from her face on high. If I was laying (lieing?) next to her I would be shivering. And besides my seduction days are over. I’m a married man. Plus we took care of bidness before we left for dinner.
I’m considering opening a bottle of something and drinking in the backyard with my 3 best friends. Or going out for a cocktail. But that is a longshot I think. I have to ride in the morning, and sadly I’m not an alcaholic.
Thanks. It was either that or listen to her bitch about not getting any over dinner. And as any guy will tell you that is just unbearable. At least this way she would have to think about what was missing in her life before whining to me about it.
Me mow the lawn? No way. As it had been documented, I am the proud owner of a basset hound, a boxer and a great dane! Can you imagine the amount of poop in my backyard? Even drunk I didn’t walk through the tall grass. I dispense approx. 20 cups of dog food a day! I make the wife\kid pick up the pop before I mow. I gotta race with these feet for christ’s sake!
Shit I dunno. About 4 months? I’m not good with dates. He’s about 40 pounds and growing fast. I’m taking a pic once a week to chart the transmutation into a horse.
I had a science cookout for the science teachers, and some stayed around to drink a few. About midnight I decided I’m too drunk to go trapsing into the house to pee, so I pee in the grass. One of my co-worker’s wife is shocked and appauled. That made me enjoy it even more.
I had a baseball coach cookout … eventually all 3 of the coaches left were pissing in the grass while talking and occassionally splashing another’s shoe … all in good fun. Baseball guys are more fun than science guys.
We let my 4-yo son pee outside on a tree one day. Now, he holds it until we go outside. =) Give em an inch and they’ll take a mile.
The last time I took a “late-night non-sober” piss in the yard, I swear I heard my lab say “Is that it? I thought tall guys were suppossed to be packin’?” I think I remember explaining something like my hands were cold at the time, and remarking that the turtle isn’t just the part that sticks out of the shell. I don’t think he bought it, and I remember hearing laughter.
What’s worse, is I am typing this and I haven’t had a drink in weeks.
What exactly was the lesson that you learned? Was it that hanging your balls out the window of a moving car feels good? I mean that is good to know, but now armend with that knowledge I will have to try it, and I know that my wife will not approve, and I will hear about it in the morning (most likely having no recollection of it myself). Thanks for the tip.
I hope that your ride went well - not too much puking off the bike…
after a night of drinking a bottle of chivas wih a friend of mine, and even tellign him i couldn’t get smashed (which i did) i got home at like 3:45 am and had to be at the pool for 5:30. I jumped in the water, and boy i tell you, i’ve never sobered up so fast in my life. the water was so damn cold.
Yea…I am with BigSky on this…whats the lesson of the night? I read the post twice (maybe three time) and still can’t figure it out. Even if I keep reading the post over and over…it could take a lifetime to figure it out! Is it “Life is Lovely”?
