I don’t know.
I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in the past few years with my training and racing. I’ve wanted to get my elite license for a long time. I tried pretty damn hard for the last few years (starting 2020). I’ve gotten a little bit faster each year, learned a little bit more each race. I’m really close, and I think I could probably get it if I cherry picked some races. But after a devoting the first few years in my career to something other than my career (with not much to show for it), I realize that I’m probably going to have to let that all go. I think the last few years were marred with some unhealthy habits around achieving perfection, which only left me further away from my goal and further detached from my life (relationships, career, etc.). When my colleagues were putting in extra hours at work, I was bailing at 5:00 for my second (or third) session of the day. I never developed my professional skillset or network, and my career has rightfully taken a hit. I was on a great trajectory upon graduation, but something slipped and I became far more focused on becoming an elite triathlete than an elite lawyer.
I don’t necessarily hate it all, nor do I think it was a waste of time. I’m still in great shape (especially compared to my peers), I have so many incredible memories of training and racing, meeting new people, and traveling. And I’m sure I can likely still race at a relatively high level going forward, but I think it’s going to have to look a bit different.
My first Ironman was in September. I loved it. It was hard. It hurt. It was scary. It was new. When I finished, I immediately wanted to sign up for another one. But I was pretty burnt out at that point. I was tired of focusing so hard on something that was never going to bring me more than a selfish sense of personal satisfaction. It wasn’t going to make me money, it wasn’t going to allow me to give back to the world, it wasn’t going to bring me closer to my wife. It was a hobby. and I got pretty damn good at it as an amateur. But what I was so burnt out on was the constant mental back and forth I would deal with. I wasn’t billing as much as I needed to, I was forgoing opportunities to get involved with cases, and I was putting my professional development on hold to get just a little bit faster.
For what?
The guilt and shame I had to swallow nearly every day when I’d do that evening swim became too tiring to keep at bay. I wanted a future, I wanted to build something real, not just my fitness. I wanted to build my professional self with the vigor and intensity that I do with training.
I did a really hard gravel race in October following the Ironman, and during that race I realized that the only person I was fooling was myself. I think I mentally broke at mile 70 (into 110). I love training hard and I love racing hard. I love going toe-to-toe with someone and finding something inside that I didn’t know was there. But I can’t let that love consume me at the expense of everything else.
Was that IM or that gravel race my “last” race? I highly doubt it. But was it the last race that I can toe the line knowing that I sacrificed everything else to prepare for? I think so. I’m 34, so I’m relatively young still. But I can’t keep charging down this burn-the-boats path for another 10 years when I know I need to step back and invest my time elsewhere.
And I’m oddly at peace with it.
Being able to write that and feel that is honestly really powerful. My story is relatively similar but with a way less clear post-grad path career-wise.