Depression of the Athlete

Triathlon Forum
1

You all know him (or her.) It’s the guy, the competitor, the animal I guess you could say. They train hard, they race hard, but they also live hard. Everything they do is directed at their sport. Be it football, swimming, triathlons, or even bowling, everything they do revolves around that. They are normal people, but they become obsessed. They are always striving for a higher goal, but they never get there. Instead they become mean, self-centered, social clams, and ultimetly depressed. Their outlook on life becomes very negative, they can’t focus on anything they are doing, and it snowballs. You know who I’m talkng about. You’ve met them, at the gym, on the road, at work, maybe even in the mirror.

What is the deal with people like this? Maybe it is just me, but our sport really seems to be attracting them. They show up to races in their muddy suburu, with all sorts of zipp, and litespeed, and orca stickers on their vehicle. They spend an hour in the transition area making sure everything is perfect, though they never get it there. They warm up in the lake for half-an-hour, they do everything. Even after the race, they dont smile, they don’t laugh, they just wait to see if the results were what they wanted them to be, though they never will be.
You can’t tell me, “well, some people are just like that.” Well, you can, but I won’t believe you. You see, I was one of those last year. Now as spring and training are warming up, I’m watching to make sure that doesn’t happen again. What is it about sports in general that take away some peoples love for life, there personality, and even their identity?

My problem started last year when I was really focused on improving my swim (which I did quite well at.) I started focusing on swimming a lot. Everyday I was in the pool. I joined a team, I focused on swimming. Slowly but surely, it became my life. I wasn’t david, I wasn’t Ze Gopha, all I could be was a swimmer who did triathlons, or as I sometimes put it, the swimmer who does it all. I had to get faster, I had to train harder, I’d spend less time with people, more time in the water. I even became pretty negative with things around the team I was on. My friends quit talking about sports when I was around, and even to this day, I think some of them are a little scared to bring up athletics when I’m around. It sucked. And worst of all, I couldn’t figure out why. It really took me until late November, when I was taking a break from swimming to get my life back. I still ask myself, why?

As this season kicks off, I’ve been pondering a lot. How can I avoid this? What should I do differently? But most of all, How can I help other who have this problem I had?

Well, for me, I think I’ve got my deal taken care of. It took some time, with myself, with God, and just some plain old time away from sport to get my priorities back. I just need to live life more. I’m doing that and it’s great, I have more fun, the people around me have more fun, and my training is coming along better than ever. Healthy mind=healthy body. That has been part of my obsession with making my sporting cool. Why not, it’s fun, it’s silly, and it allows me to be a little more free with myself. I am on the path to a great season this year, I’m confident that I am not returning to my old ways, but what can be done for the others in our sport? Is there a way to help pull them from the “pit?” I don’t know. I’ve bared my soul, now what do you think?

-The coolness manifesto, it’s coming

2

before I retired from tri’s in 97 it’s all i did. I worked a part time job to pay the bills and used racing and training to help pay for college/books/beer/car insurance etc.
After being away from the sport and getting back into bike racing and duathlon’s I was amazed at how many people who could talk of nothing else but SBR. Ask them how work was going and the answer was I was able to skip out early to train thursday or I had to work late and missed running.
I really really enjoy training and racing but realize now that sport is something that enhances my life not the other way around.
I remember reading about an Olympic Gold MTBer who, on the podium, listening to his national song thought is this it? What comes next?
Maybe for some the next it is the next race, the next workout and their life revolves around sport. For others, and myself it is a way to keep challenging myself in areas other than work as well and allows me to be more balanced.

edit:
my friend is a psychryitrist, his office is next to a city track. he holds many of his seesions on the track walking with people as they talk.

3

Hey Ze Gopha,

Well, I haven’t met the person you are describing, but I did suffer briefly from clinical depression as a result of a convergence of normal life events that all happened within a very short span of time as well as a great deal of accumulated stress.

I learned a lot from the experience. It was the most unpleasant experience of my life, and the most humbling.

It is incredible how many people are treated for depression. Many more go untreated. Ultimately I was responsible for letting the state of my life get so rotten that it was an accident waiting to happen.

I was in a bad relationship, under stress at work, in poor health then suffered the death of my best friend, a major lawsuit, more business stress and discovered my former relationship partner had been unfaithful with a friend and that resulted in potential health risks.

Luckily for me, I got very good help from friends and health care professionals. It was a terrible experience, but a fascinating one. As I mentioned, I learned a lot about human nature and about myself.

For me, the sport and training and racing have breathed new life back into me. Although it is a cliche’, it kind of help me return to my “center”. -Not to sound like a granola or new age weirdo- but when we get away from who we really are that is when we get in trouble, get depressed and lose sight of the things that are important to us. Nothing will replace losing a friend but settling the other matters has been a liberating experience. The key thing is to never let people manipulate me back into that situation again.

Good people remain good. Bad people stay bad. People who don’t trust can’t be trusted. People who preach about integrity and accountability usually have neither.

And ultimately, if your life is fucked up, it is probably your own responsibility, which is good, because then the ability to fix it also lies with you.

It is just a matter of finding the strength and courage to deal with that guy staring back at you in the mirror, the hardest person there is to be honest with.

4

“What is the deal with people like this?”

We know a middle aged guy. Very fast. Wins his AG every time out and is faster than 95% of the younger guys. He lives/breaths training and has no other interests. At a tri last year he got beat in the AG and came 2nd. He refused to shake hands with the guy(real nice fella) who beat him and refused to pick up his medal. Another guy asked him “how’d it go” and he told the poor guy to “get lost”. He came for lunch with the rest of us easy going AG’ers(most of whom didn’t medal) and he sat there pouting. Finally my wife laid into him and told him to stop it because there’s no shame in not winning and he still did well by finishing second. As a good natured joke I piped up “yeah but there were only two guys in the age group.” He then told me to f. off and got up and went home not finishing his lunch and leaving the rest of us in the restaurant. Saw him at the next tri and after he won his AG and was pleasant and acted if the incident at the previous tri never happened. He’s one of these guys that is a gracious winner but a very poor second place.

IMO, this is a guy with a serious problem.

5

We are all here for a reason. What I say is - that #1, we are type A - that is a given. Also, seems we are all “running”. Some are running to something…others are running from something. I know that I am running from something. Maybe one day, I can run to something.

The journey to an inner peace can be a long one. Seems that there is always that better time, faster split, winning but not by enough margin, winning but not feeling great…there will always be something. I would have to guess that none of us here are complacent about anything in life. We strive for the best, we have high expectations for everything we do…and then surreptitiously apply our goals and values on those around us.

There is an internal struggle in all of us to perform to some level. The OCD style of setting up the transition is just another extension of this. I know that I am in Tri, and cycling as it is all about me. I know that if I do well – I did well. There is no team to blame, no other person to point the finger at. The only one I can blame is me. The only one that I can be disappointed in is me. Did I get my shoes in the right place? Should I have put on those socks? Did I seed myself right in the swim?

I think that once we get past all of that – we will be lost. I think that it may be the challenge that gets us to the line week after week. I would have to imagine, that once you have nothing left improve upon – you would loose your desire to even play the game at all. I would have to bet that we all know someone in the game that we worry about. Someone that is never happy no matter what the end of the day lays out. I myself have lost a couple training partners to suicide – because there was no “good enough”. I know that there are people that I train with currently that I worry about their emotional well being on a day to day basis. I know that I myself have thought many a time that I will never be able to reach my goals…It is the ability to somehow accept that.

I would like to run to something. I would like to run to someone. I would like to get to the line just one time with a smile on my face and no ability or desire to say “If I only had” – “I may have”. I know that this year I will be at IMLP trying to get to that line again. I have no delusions of grandeur on an Island in the south…I just want to get there and prove again that I can get there for me…is that what it is all about?

6

Wow, Gopha, interesting post. You are probably helping others just by going public. One thing worth noting is that some people who suffer from depression medicate with excercise, which beats turning to recreational drugs or alcohol.

Aside from that, triathlon attracts high-achievers. Obviously. But it’s pretty easy to go from setting challenging goals for yourself to becoming a perfectionist. To train for a triathlon requires an ability to focus, a single mindedness that can have a negative impact on those things “not in the frame”. Performance can become an obsession. There are a lot of reasons that people can become obsessed (insecurity, tendency towards addiction, avoidance of other issues, etc.), but what’s important is learning to recognize the warning signs and heading obsession off at the pass.

I ask myself questions like these: Can you take days off without guilt? Do you develop resentments when the needs of those close to you interfere with your training schedule? Are you constantly measuring yourself against others? Are you experiencing joy in your training? Do you spend time with people who are not in the sport?

I know I have to watch myself carefully for obsessive behavior. The irony is, that when I have a balance in my life between my family, my friends, my work and my sport I often improve more quickly. I think it’s because I confine my focus to that time I’ve set aside to train and I relax when I’m not training. I get higher quality recovery and my workouts aren’t plagued by negative thoughts (which I’ve noticed are a real hindrance to performing well.)

Leigh

7

People get in endurance sports for one reason, but stay for another.

People who have something to prove, something to run from or something to run to are usually just visitors.

People who love the sport for what it is: Fun, challenging, always new, aesthetically beautiful- they are the ones that stay in the sport. They are here for the sport, not some latent, psychological reason.

Sometimes the cliche’ “Type A” carries with it negative connotations. If “Type A” describes a person always trying to experience life, trying to learn and grow, trying to cram as much fun into their existence as they can before our life is revoked without notice- then I am “Type A”.

If “Type A” describes someone who only lives their life based on judgements and performance, by comparison to others, in terms of success and failure- then no, I am not “Type A”.

Some people are always trying to “move forward” or “get ahead”. Some people have aksed me “where is this going?”

Some people are never happy with what they have or where they are. The bar is always raised. They always need more.

They will never be happy. Freedom from that equals happiness.

8

Gopha,

some of those people are overtraining. Overtraining not only causes plateauing and/or diminuition of performance, but commonly causes depression, poor sleep (which makes the depression worse), and injuries. Many need to back off on their training, give themselves off-weeks and rest-days, and periodize gradually. This can take months to overcome. Or, they may be depressed in the first place.

Cerveloguy,

That guy is just a bad sport.

9

Good point(s).

10

I appreciate your honesty, courage to post the real stuff. I’ll speak for myself. This thing we do can become very enticing. It’s so pure and simple, there’s the clock, the start line, the finish line, that’s it. You know how your doing every step of the way. It takes years to hit your peak in multisport and during that time your improving in quantifiable ways, no ambiguity. There’s huge secondary benefits physciologically, psychologically, emotionally, and spirtually for allowing your reach to exceede your grasp. There’s hardly a downside until it becomes the object of our worship, simply where we invest the most time (thought). Then it becomes a damn insatiable mistress who rarely pleases for very long and she always wants more, always promises more.

Not always is this the case but depression can have its source in rage and the latter typically is the product of pain or fear. Drilling deep I found, “Not good enough” and “If your still improving you must not be dying.” Like all addictions tri can become a defense against the hard stuff on the inside…we certainly spend a lot of time moving towards something you have to wonder what we’re trying to leave.

Ive been in the med tent the last 3 weeks with a detached retina that has required 2 laser surgeries. Not a big deal currently but the potential loss of tri and training was there. It gave me the chance to see it in a different light. The thing I would miss most is the friendships and the comraderie I’ve enjoyed the last ten years. I’ve found more “family,” people similarly wired, in triathlon than any other group I belong. Yea I’m still going to be out there giving it my best but I hope not to loose sight of the real value, the people.

What can be done…I think you nailed it when you stopped long enough to ask yourself, “Why?” It takes a friend sometimes to help us see ourselves and it takes us willing to throw out the welcome mat for that kind of friendship. Apart from friendship it’s a risk to hold a mirror up to an acquaintance. It can be equally risky to do what you have done. Good on ya. I hope the joy makes a home in your heart this season. Looking forward to the coolness manifesto.

11

My situation is the reverse. After living hand-to-mouth for years as a rock climbing bum, I started working in technology during the dot.com days. I went from working 3 months per year, living simply, and climbing away all of my time in the most beautiful places in the country, to working 100 hour weeks and rarely seeing the light of day. I loved the work - it was something new and challenging to throw myself at. My income increased 100-fold, and I bought a house, and a couple nice cars for my wife and me. I also got completely burned out. To this day, I honestly don’t know that I can ever work hard at a job again.

However, I didn’t realize how dead I had truly become until this last week while I was at Peter Reid’s training camp in Tucson, AZ. With all of life’s daily stresses removed, I was free to enjoy just being outside again. Moving. Laughing. Feeling the sun. Being completely wiped-out from a day of exercise rather than a day of staring at a computer screen.

In fact, I now pretty much have the perfect job (I work from home, have very flexible hours, and the pay is good) but I can’t get over the feeling that I’m selling my soul every day I sit inside at a computer. I’m not the first person to want to give it all up for the sun and the fresh air, but I have a horrible time with balancing life. I don’t have a middle path. I mash the accelerator to the floor or I don’t even get in the car. I’m not proud of that trait, and frankly it’s a pain in the ass on many different levels. So, assuming that I’m not the only one who’s like this, how do you guys deal with balancing your life?

12

Balance is about setting limits. I never could do it for myself, but when I became a mom, and then a single mom, learning to balance my life became essential for my son’s well-being.

I went to law school when he was two and learned a big lesson that has analogies in tri training. I decided how much time I would give school and just to do the best I could in that time. It was freeing because so much of the stress comes from that nagging question “am I doing enough?” I removed that question by deciding at the outset what I could afford timewise.

I did well in school and made it through with a happy healthy kid that I was close to. I suffered a lot less stress than my peers, who ironically had fewer demands on their time. Now I do the same limit setting thing with training, work, etc. I have rules about what time I’ll leave the office, how many days I’ll allow myself to work through lunch, etc.

Having a balanced life takes commitment and discipline if you are a naturally obsessive person like me…

Leigh

13

Good advice. Thanks.

14

I’m a little bit the opposite of this guy. When I’m training, I often think about going harder or longer, or whatever it takes to beat my competition. I do want to win, or at least to do very well, and I usually do OK even if I have a bad race. But, somewhere between race morning breakfast and the racking of my bike, I lose that “beat 'em” feeling and just feel amazed I’m lucky enough to show up for the race that day. I am truly amazed and in awe of the guys (and gals) that can beat me like drum…I honestly have nothing but admiration for them on race day, although I sometimes loathe them when I train. Same thing for someone that’s my elder that passes me on the run. I ALWAYS tell the guy he’s really looking smooth, or some other compliment, because I truly feel it and mean it. I’ve befriended several of my closest competitors, and am glad when they show up for a race…somehow racing against someone that is going to turn in a time very close to mine, makes me feel like I have a team-mate. When Lou shows up, he usually wins, then there’s the Rocket, I don’t know these guys, but, I do know Tom. And if I don’t get that third slot, maybe Tom will. Sometimes neither Tom nor I get that third slot, sometimes one of us does even better. Tom and Terry have a relationship as competitors and friends, so, I’ve gotten friendly with Terry, too. Terry has beaten us both at some distances. Terry is good in the water, and decent on the bike…it gives me someone to shoot for. I swim faster than Tom, usually, and he’s fast on the bike…gives me someone to stay ahead of…it’s just nice knowing these guys are out there, too.

Anyway, I wish I kept my race-day appreciation of just being “out there” more when I train. I’m not sure my training efforts, when I’m fighting an imaginary foe, are as productive as they would be if, instead, I was trying to hold up my end of the load side-by-side with my Teammates, my Competitors. To me, at the AG level, the competition isn’t really about one another, it’s about something else…maybe it’s fighting the effects of aging, maybe it’s conquering the fear of open water swimming, with a celebratory fast bike ride, followed by a run just to prove I can do more than just ride…I’m not exactly sure.

15

I’m a pediatrician. I was up to 209 lb, working a lot and very little exercise. Now I weigh 178. I love to work out until I’m jelly. I have to make myself work-out below threshhold.

I work early to very late on MWF. I ride Tuesday at 5:30am, then short swim,short run and go in late. I leave a little early on Thursday and short swim, lift, and Spinerval (or cycling class at Bicycle John’s (great deal $5). Occasional 5:45am 2 mile run. One short weekend day (run, lift and maybe swim) and one long weekend day (1 hr swim, long ride). Every third or fourth weekend recovery.

My weekend on-call often throws a wrench into my plans. (I try to match it up to my recovery when possible). I used to do less, but I want to try to move up to 1/2 IM this year. Try to match it up with my wife’s yoga as much as possible. (The kids are off in college.)

16

Over a 15-year resurrection of a thread that someone in 2021 may need to read.

Maybe me?

17

my friend is a psychryitrist, his office is next to a city track. he holds many of his seesions on the track walking with people as they talk.

sounds pretty cool

18

I will say it again…

I don’t have a problem with obsessively training and racing.

It’s not a problem if you are awesome at it.

Did they say Picasso had a painting problem?

No.

Ok…
Granted, Picasso was not just obsessed with painting. He was also really good at.

But I want to be really good at triathlon.
So that should kind count.

19

I will say it again…

I don’t have a problem with obsessively training and racing.

It’s not a problem if you are awesome at it.

Did they say Picasso had a painting problem?

No.

Ok…
Granted, Picasso was not just obsessed with painting. He was also really good at.

But I want to be really good at triathlon.
So that should kind count.

How good do you want to get? What’s your 70.3 PR and goal 70.3 time?

20

I am an addict. I was born with an addicted brain. I am also highly impulsive. ADHD, depression, drug/alcohol/food abuse, anxiety, bipolarism, autism, downsyndrome, aspburgers, religious fanaticism, and addiction are all in my family tree.

People like me…we either get it under control or it kills us. We can direct in a positive direction or a destructive one. We go all in on stuff and who knows what the next thing will be. Last month it was gardening…I now have more plants than I know what to do with. 3 years ago it was triathlon. This year, it’s mountain climbing. 20 years ago, it was staying high every single waking second of every day for 3 years. 15 years ago it was practicing an instrument so long that I managed to become a professional in it.

If I could harness this power and direct it into something productive and valuable, I can be an unstoppable force. Or, I often throw everything into a passing fad that only keeps me interested for a couple weeks or months, and then move on to the next thing. Sometimes, I’ll procrastinate on the thing I need to do most, but doing something less necessary. Now I’ve learned to harness this procrastinating by prioritizing things differently and effectively making progress through procrastination, not inspite of it.

In music, after I perform a live concert, everyone claps. But if I know I didn’t do my absolute best, I can only fake a smile. My negative self-talk says “I was shit”…even though the audience didn’t know it. I’m my own worst critic. I will unintentionally lose respect for my own audience.

A few things have stood the test of time and keep me interested. Big massive, lifetime goals are necessary to keep me moving in the right direction, this is the Macro-side. Otherwise, I very easily self distruct. Conversely, the daily, moment to moment practice of living, thinking, acting, and speaking my core values is the micro-side.

I think endurance athletes are naturally selfish. I never liked being on a team…noone seemed to try as hard or care as much as me and I blamed others for our losses. In triathlon, it’s all on me. I prefer it that way. I was always more inspired by the story of the Olympian with the discipline to go the gym every day at 5am for 4 years. I never cared about team victories where the winner was usually the one with the most money to spend on players.

So yeah, I’m not mad or pissed off. I’m just chronically depressed and mentally ill and doing everything I can to improve while being bombarded by negative self talk.