15 year 11 month old DD has hit a rough patch the past week. Started with the discovery by my wife of a candy flavored “vape†thingy in her room. She’s a swimmer for crying out loud WTF! Then just last night my wife discovered that DD had been ordering Doordash with her credit card without authorization. My wife picked up on it when I gave her the monthly statement for review of our charges. DD does not have access to her mother’s card so she got the number in some nefarious manner. My wife is beside herself alternating between rage and sobbing. I am just pissed I have to deal with this sh**.
After several conversations between my wife and I along with cooling off periods and reflections we have decided on the following.
On the charge of possession of vape. Support to include instruction, paying for insurance and assistance in obtaining drivers license has been revoked for an indefinite time period subject to administration review.
On the charge of stealing (yes in our book it is stealing. All internet access including iPhone and family iMac revoked through Monday morning (4 days) Grounded to serve concurrently with internet revocation for 14 days. (school starts Monday so she is out of commission for the first weekend) Birthday money from grandparents will be confiscated on the day to pay for the Doordash charges. There will be no birthday activities that we will be hosting or assisting with.
Maybe too harsh? Maybe not harsh enough? You tell me. She submitted to all punishments with an appropriate response, something that I had been prepared for that may not have gone as smoothly as it did.
NB after some web search kids nicking parents cards for unauthorized use is very common. 46% of surveyed parents reported this with the average charges about $500 according to Lending Tree survey.
Does she have her own credit or debit card? Does she get an allowance or have a job? I would expect a near 16 year old to have both of those. She needs to learn financial responsibility and independence.
15 year 11 month old DD has hit a rough patch the past week. Started with the discovery by my wife of a candy flavored “vape†thingy in her room. She’s a swimmer for crying out loud WTF! Then just last night my wife discovered that DD had been ordering Doordash with her credit card without authorization. My wife picked up on it when I gave her the monthly statement for review of our charges. DD does not have access to her mother’s card so she got the number in some nefarious manner. My wife is beside herself alternating between rage and sobbing. I am just pissed I have to deal with this sh**.
After several conversations between my wife and I along with cooling off periods and reflections we have decided on the following.
On the charge of possession of vape. Support to include instruction, paying for insurance and assistance in obtaining drivers license has been revoked for an indefinite time period subject to administration review.
On the charge of stealing (yes in our book it is stealing. All internet access including iPhone and family iMac revoked through Monday morning (4 days) Grounded to serve concurrently with internet revocation for 14 days. (school starts Monday so she is out of commission for the first weekend) Birthday money from grandparents will be confiscated on the day to pay for the Doordash charges. There will be no birthday activities that we will be hosting or assisting with.
Maybe too harsh? Maybe not harsh enough? You tell me. She submitted to all punishments with an appropriate response, something that I had been prepared for that may not have gone as smoothly as it did.
NB after some web search kids nicking parents cards for unauthorized use is very common. 46% of surveyed parents reported this with the average charges about $500 according to Lending Tree survey.
Seems harsh to me, but it’s impossible to judge objectively without knowing the kid. Kid’s are different, what would work for some would not work for others. My son was pretty easy to raise, I could have resolved these issues with a sit-down.
Why does she feel the need to sneak Doordash? Swimming kids are always hungry, is she afraid to ask to order food?
As for the birthday, my girls are super excited about their 16th. When they were like 6 they asked what makes a 16th birthday so special. I told them that on your sweet 16th you get to each a spoonful of marshmallow fluff right out of the jar. That is why they call it your sweet 16. The oldest is 14 now and still planning to hold me to that. So i would still let her have that spoonful of fluff.
We have 8 kids. 4 are older than your daughter and the 5th (a daughter) turns 16 next month also.
We have never had to deal with drugs/smoking/vaping with any of them but I do think you are being too harsh on that one unless you had previously set up consequences for vaping or smoking. I bet she truly did not understand how bad it is for her. In her mind she was rebelling a little and all the marketing was telling her it was safe. I would lean toward education and future consequences that are in line with health (maybe have to drop swimming if it happens again.)
We have dealt with stealing similar to yours. I think the internet/phone/grounding is appropriate. She KNEW this was wrong and did it multiple times. She definitely needs to pay you back but you might want to think about how. Money is fungible. She can use any means she has but give her a deadline on repayment. If it just so happens to be right after she gets her birthday money it will be her decision to use it. That way she won’t see you as taking away her present from her grandparents.
I would do whatever you typically do for birthdays - that is celebrating your daughter and telling her she is valued and loved. Don’t let her youthful mistakes start driving a wedge between you.
You and your wife have to present a consistent front even if you don’t agree on everything.
As a side note, with our first we disciplined similar to what you are thinking about. We have by far the worst adult relationship with him. With the others we have been strict but took some of the harshness off. That seems to have been a much better path.
You know your daughter best so my ideas may not work at all for you but hopefully gives you some things to think about.
I don’t think you’re being too harsh. The fact that you’re second guessing yourself should be a positive sign. Perhaps a harsh punishment, but with an opportunity for early release based on good conduct.
I shouldn’t give any advice, because I’m a crappy parent. I have two older kids who have finished college and grad school, and I’m so proud of how they’ve turned out despite me. I have a younger daughter still in high school, and I’d pray for the issues you’re going through. I’ve been inconsistent with all my kids, in all manner of ways. But the one thing I’ve learned is to try to be on the same page with my wife as far as how we handle issues. If we disagree, we’ve learned over time and by making mistakes to talk it through between ourselves and to make sure that we’re together at the end, and that has involved some heated arguments and sometimes takes one of us eventually giving in for the sake of being united.
Trust yourself. Trust your love for your kid and that your heart is in the right place. And no matter what you do, make sure your child knows that you truly care.
My gut says it’s a bit harsh to cancel her 16th birthday party. The rest seems reasonable. What is her history? If this is the first time she’s transgressed in such a manner, I would be lenient. If it’s not, I would go along with your plan. Teenagers are going to be assholes; that’s a given. My now 29 year old daughter was, let’s call it challenging.
I was, and am, a fan of natural consequences; ie she stole, she makes you whole. IMO there should be a logical connection between the behavior and the consequence. I always placed a lot of emphasis on owning mistakes, providing a reason why (even if it’s “I thought I could get away with it”), and participating in a discussion of what happened and why it’s wrong (my kid always needed to know why; she’s still like that).
I never saw my daughter as a friend. It drives me crazy to see parents interact with their kids in a “friends” dynamic. Friendship might come later (it has for my daughter and I) but is inappropriate (and, dare I say it, weird) for a parent to be a friend with their child.
Trust is misplaced with respect to kids and teens. Unless you trust that they will screw up, push boundaries, try to get away with things. Don’t trust your kid. Give them some rope, sure. But trusting an inherently untrustworthy sub-adult is a recipe for disappointment. (Sure, sure some of you will trot out your perfect child who’s never so much as considered sending a sexy selfie and I commend you; that’s not the norm IME and I actually worry more about the perfect child than the boundary pusher; but good for you and your spawn on perfection).
And don’t forget love; always lead with love. My daughter and I have talked about how even when she was the target of harsh consequences, she never for a second doubted my love. Because I always led with, “My dear, I love you more than you know and yet, here we are…”
Good luck. And good for you for reflecting. And for asking for input. And for being a parent, even and especially, when it’s hard.
If I were the grandparent who gave your daughter the money, I would be pretty annoyed that you didn’t let her keep it. Sure, she needs to pay you back, but maybe you could figure out a payment plan.
Under no circumstances would I take away a birthday celebration as punishment. (And I have almost 20 and almost 18 year old kids)
Fwiw, I found pot in my daughter’s room and we didn’t punish her. Mostly, she got a “what the hell are you thinking?†lecture. At that age, punishment isn’t going to stop them, it’s only going to make them better at hiding things.
I guess I’m super lenient. None of this seems major to me. The door dash stuff would be her birthday present and the vape thing would get destroyed combined with a talk about expectations on both sides.
I found our daughters swim program a bit over the top stressful tbh.
Having been an obstreperous teenager, with one great parent and one not so great, I’d recommend you read and re-read the posts by timmar post and just jack.
I was just talking with one of my best friends who has twin boys 17, getting ready to go off to college. One of them just messed up pretty bad and I asked him what he did. First reaction was to blow up of course, a bunch of I told you so’s, and the grounding. But he cooled down and managed it really well and I congratulated him on his measured response. And as we talked, we both understood that the most important thing here is that you keep your kids trust. You want them to be able to come to you with whatever, and at these ages there is a lot of whatever’s.
Because if you alienate them, something is going to happen one day and you will be out of the loop, and have to hope they handle it, or the people they now turn to will. I would not trust my kids in those situations, and would want to be there for them, but they have to want you to be. So dont know your kid at all, you and your wife will have to make that determination, but I agree with a couple others, the birthday stuff is too much. It could be a thing that puts them off you for the rest of their time under your roof, and beyond. It just seems like a layer of punishment above the others, and one that may never be forgotten for forgiven. The other stuff will just be a fun story to tell someday and forgotten like all the other punishments they have gotten up to then…
Good luck, right behind you with a 13 and twin 10 year olds…
I’m going with too harsh. And I’m not even sure I’d call this a rough patch if this is all there is.
She was vaping and eating. That seems pretty tame. No drinking, drugs, or pregnancy scares.
And what were the circumstances where she was getting Door Dash without you or your wife noticing? Was she somewhere else or home alone at dinner time?
No way I’d take away the birthday money or celebration.
I am going to sit in the too harsh camp.
You are incredibly fortunate to have an otherwise well adjusted teenager.
Depending on where you are, vaping is incredibly easy to access and if she is not vaping any THC etc, in reality there are far worse things that she could have been doing.
As for the Door Dash, well, if you share iCloud accounts etc you may find that you have shared passwords and credit cards across devices, my kiddies have my uber account as well. It is about trust in many ways. I tell my 3 teenage children that I never want them to starve at school etc because they are worried their parents might be angry at them for spending money on their school account etc. I went through stuff growing up with parents who were doing it tough and not wanting to ask them for money for food or things I needed. I don’t want my kiddies to feel how I felt, but I want them to respect the money I earn to provide for them.
In the scheme of what she could have been doing there are far far worse things a 15 year old could be doing. You want her to respect your boundaries and understand why you are upset, but also dig a little deeper and think why did she feel she needed to do these things behind your back and are you placing additional barriers to her being open with you in the future over relatively minor things.
Kids have a lot of time to think and sometimes life as a teenager is not very nice. You never quite know what your daughter might be going through, you need her to always know she can come to you.
15 year 11 month old DD has hit a rough patch the past week. Started with the discovery by my wife of a candy flavored “vape†thingy in her room. She’s a swimmer for crying out loud WTF! Then just last night my wife discovered that DD had been ordering Doordash with her credit card without authorization. My wife picked up on it when I gave her the monthly statement for review of our charges. DD does not have access to her mother’s card so she got the number in some nefarious manner. My wife is beside herself alternating between rage and sobbing. I am just pissed I have to deal with this sh**.
After several conversations between my wife and I along with cooling off periods and reflections we have decided on the following.
On the charge of possession of vape. Support to include instruction, paying for insurance and assistance in obtaining drivers license has been revoked for an indefinite time period subject to administration review.
On the charge of stealing (yes in our book it is stealing. All internet access including iPhone and family iMac revoked through Monday morning (4 days) Grounded to serve concurrently with internet revocation for 14 days. (school starts Monday so she is out of commission for the first weekend) Birthday money from grandparents will be confiscated on the day to pay for the Doordash charges. There will be no birthday activities that we will be hosting or assisting with.
Maybe too harsh? Maybe not harsh enough? You tell me. She submitted to all punishments with an appropriate response, something that I had been prepared for that may not have gone as smoothly as it did.
NB after some web search kids nicking parents cards for unauthorized use is very common. 46% of surveyed parents reported this with the average charges about $500 according to Lending Tree survey.
Way to harsh.
She is almost 16 1’st. (not a swimmer 1’st)
She’s smart - she accepted the punishment and then will do what she wants, but be even more withdrawn. Take her out of the 1’st weekend of school seems to set her up for a bad year?
Pick your battles. To much “punishment” could cause issues with her current friends (hopefully good ones) and drive her to other “less” good ones.
