I know there are numerous funny threads on swimming pool and locker room denizens and all the strange things we see at the local gyms, I enjoy those threads and have contributed to them in the past. But yesterday at the YMCA I was hit with a trifecta of wrongness the likes of which I hope to never see again. I tried explaining it to my wife when I saw her afterwards and she wanted to know why I had a look like I’d seen a ghost, but she just listened then shrugged it off by saying everyone at that Y is weird. I tried to tell her this went beyond weird, but she just wouldn’t listen so I figured maybe some of the ST community would get a chuckle out of what happened.
Basically, in the period of about 20 seconds and 20 feet I was creeped out, grossed out and then freaked out all at once.
Creeped out: The lunch time crowd of this local Y has several retired/semi retired gentleman that are there regularly. They usually engage in heated arguments over politics, religion and the downfall of the local HS sports teams. They are all pretty nice guys, well respected and can be funny to listen to. As I made my way to the pool yesterday I headed into the shower room that you have to walk through to get to the pool. At the start of the shower room is a single stall for a commode, but there is no door on the stall, so if you actually have to take a grumpy on this toilet you get to see and wave to all the people coming and going to the showers/pool. Lo and behold sitting on the throne is the semi-retired parole officer who happens to be some type of a part time minister or something and is very opinionated on religion/politics. Now he is buck naked while he is doing his business and standing right in front of him is the old retired dentist, also buck naked, and the two of them are in a heated knock down drag it out argument over the Bush administration. And since there is no door on the stall the dentist is standing literally inside the stall, with his old-man junk right in the face of the guy sitting as they are arguing. Now, I like to go #2 in peace, and I have a hard enough time relaxing at home with the door shut when my kids start banging on the door, so how the guy could go while having an old naked man inches from him and still carry on a valid argument for his side of the political war, I will never know. And the kicker is the two were carrying on as if there were in a formal debate setting and not both naked in a single person stall!
Grossed out: As I passed by in dis-belief over what would compel one naked man to stand inches in front of another naked man while he craps I got to the shower area that you have to walk through to get to the entrance to the pool. There in the shower is black naked guy. This guy has been at the Y ever since I started going there, but I have only ever seen him in the locker room and he is always naked. He’s naked walking around from the showers to the hot tub to the sinks when you get there and he’ll be there doing the same thing when you leave. He’s there at noon and in the evenings too. He’s a nice guy, always chatty and talks to anyone, but he’s just always there and naked. But today he is in the first shower, there are only 4 that are on one wall with no dividers/stalls in between them, and he is bent over 90 degrees at the hips. His hands are on his ass cheeks and he appears to be trying to spread himself as far apart as he can while the shower hits him right in the old brown eye. As he is doing this he is groaning/grimacing like he is in a good deal of pain. Now, to get past him I have to walk as close to the wall opposite where the shower heads are but it is a small room, so this will still put me within a foot or less of his face, which is at crotch height, as he is bent over eyes shut making ungodly sounds. I try to pass as smoothly and quietly as possible, but as soon as I get near him he looks up and sees me, asks how my day is going and if I’m headed to the pool. I mumble something incoherent, as he has not stood upright and is still trying to spread his ass as wide as possible, and try to avoid eye contact at all costs. I have no idea what medical condition or issue he had, but to try to use the shower as a bidet and clean out any Klingons or dingleberries just plain grossed me out. I have never been one to wear flip flops around a pool and or locker room, but I will have a pair on from now on when in that shower and will probably give my feet a Purell bath every day that I go to the good old Y because of what I have seen.Freaked out: In my tunnel vision to avoid bent over naked guy, I fail to notice my third and final obstacle to the pool deck. The shower room as I described is a narrow room with 4 shower heads on one wall. The far end is the stairs leading up to the pool. The entry way to these stairs, however, is so close to the 4th and final shower head that if the shower is running and or there is someone at that head you have to wait for them to move or walk through the stream of water coming out of the head. There, sitting in one of the white plastic chairs that are in the steam room, is an old guy that apparently can workout and get sweaty, but in doing so is so tired that he needs to sit down to shower. This apparently includes soaping up, shampooing and rinsing off then relaxing all while sitting, naked of course, on a stupid white plastic chair. I can’t get to the pool as his chair is blocking me, and if I walk between him and the shower head I’d be WAAAY to close to him and I don’t know what the rules are for shower room etiquette, but I’m pretty sure there’s some type of law about not cutting in front of another man’s stream of water. It’s like the old rule when you were kids peeing at gym class, you never crossed streams as there was just something wrong with that. So, I’m stuck standing in between a bent over guy trying to wash out whatever nastiness he has around back, still trying to talk to me of course, and an old guy showering in a chair. The old guy sees me and gets up and slides his chair out of the way, but still keeps showering. Meanwhile, I’m standing frozen like a deer in the headlights holding my towel in one hand and my goggles and pull buoy in the other. I can’t go forward and I sure as hell am not going to turn around. In a split second decision when the old guy reaches to the shelf on the wall opposite the showers to get more soap and moves out of the way enough to give me an opening I break the rule about not getting near another man’s shower and make a quick 3 step dash between him and his shower, run through his water and make for the stairs and the relative safety of the pool, nearly wiping out on the tile floor as I charge up the steps still hearing the sound of the two guys arguing from the stall behind me.
From there on things seemed normal, and my swim seemed uneventful even though I was the only male under 65 and or 300 lbs in the pool and the water was at a nice balmy 88 degrees. That all seemed like a picnic compared to what I had just been through. So the next time you think things are weird/gross/abnormal at your gym imagine what I had to go through just to get to a crappy 4 lane 20 yard pool for a lunchtime swim workout!
After 20 years at the YMCA, I joined a new LA Fitness. What a relief. Private showers. Also alot less old naked guys there and no screaming kids.