To those wife who hve been supporting your men through the preparation of a huge race, i need your help. And to those hard training Ironman husbands, please share your advice too…
My husband has been training really hard for a coming event and recently, I feel that we have drifted. He spend more time on his bi/ run/ swim and is too tired after to do anything at all. We do not have any communication, infact, at times when we do talk, there seem to be a vaccum.
How do you handle and overcome these challenges in your marriage?
My wife and I just had this discussion (again) last night after a little tiff. Some laundry aired as well. I mostly realized how lucky I was and she realized that this is basically part of my life (and has been for years) and she “needs” to be more accepting/supportive. This IS me (for better or worse as it will). I have always wanted to get her and my kids more into this, but never push as I didn’t want to pressure anyone.
Triathletes tend to be very solitary souls and very quiet and tired after their training. The sacrifices that I make in my mind (i.e. which races to do, training rides to do, etc.) never seem to surface since it still looks like a LOT to any normal/sane person. She tends to use the kids/family guilt trip thing, even though every other waking moment is spent with them (while not at work that is).
There is no easy answer for sure, but do not let communication break down no matter what. I plan on showing her this thread - that should start some more dialogue (which is a good thing)
Hey RRoof, thank you for your advise. I suppose it helps when bother parties are willing to talk aout it yet my husband is not a good conversational type. I feel that I am being ‘shut off’ from his life really.
I would suggest to allow him to train and continue until his event is over. There is a very good chance that he is entirely aware that he is not being the best partner and communicator at present.
As we all know , training for an IM is physically and mentally exhausting. Adding this training to a full time job is also making an already thin line , thinner.
I would imagine and hope that as soon as the event is over , you will know , how important you are and have been, in helping him execute his plan and be the best he can be. Every IM knows that although we race alone , the journey is definitely not.
When I cross the line in my races there is only one person in the world I want to see and often can’t wait to see.
You are probably correct that your partner may not communicate these certain feelings during their respective race build-up and be very distant. Mentally , depending upon the individual, training can take an emotional toll on athletes and their partners , as has been well documented. Everybody handles stress and fear in different ways .
Wish you the very best in dealing with your situation and hopefully realizing that it is almost certainly temporary. Hope this advice has been useful.
thk you canuck8, what do you do to make sure the marriage stays alive? As the wife, how can I get more involve that will be a help to my husband? Sorry if i am asking too much, as any help is useful right now… thank you.
Well…considering that I am in a similiar situation as your husband , I either DO know or DON’T know what would help . Only from his perspective , can I recommend any advice whatsoever , unfortunately. The ironic thing is that you don’t really have to do anything except be patient and be confident in the fact that he is still the same guy you love and married although maybe just a bit mentally out of it due to training and work…I do presume he works ?
There are famous sales pitches that overcome objections before they even arise. Perhaps by letting him know :- that you realize “where he is at” and can only imagine the difficulty of juggling work and an important goal.
-Before trying to converse important things with him , maybe offer to take him to his favorite restaurant or run a cool bath with his favorite post-workout drink and music.
As far as keeping the marriage alive , it may be entirely alive already in his mind ! His attention is merely entirely focused on his race , which yes is unfair , but I can assure you , in my opinion, that if you were in his shoes YOU WOULD BEHAVE VERY SIMILIARILY.
From an outside opinion and being unable to see all of the circumstances , it would be irresponsible for me to offer further advice unless I knew the both of you.
In a nutshell : continue being supportive and patient and when the race is over , make sure he makes up for his “absence”. I am sure he is aware of this already.
I suggest you sit down and have a real talk with your husband. Take him to his favorite restaurant, so you have one on one time together. Tell him how you’re feeling. He probably knows, but you should say it explicitly so that it’s all out on the table. If you understand how important this goal is to him, then I would think you wouldn’t expect him to give it up or cut back drastically on his training. Tell him that. He needs to hear it. However, there has to be time for family and your relationship. No one, except perhaps pros, need to train so much that they have no time left over for their family. Help him find a balance. He’s probably struggling with it too. Find one night during the week and one weekend day when there is to be no training and when he needs to make himself available for whatever you want to do. At least one of these times should be a real “date” where you plan to spend time together doing something you both like (or with kids if you have them). If there’s a schedule to follow, then he can plan for it.
Other ideas:
book a massage for two
swim/bike/run together - sure he might be going harder or longer, but you’re still out there together; if you make the effort to be part of his passion, then I think he’ll appreciate it
hire a house cleaner, lawn service or anything else that will get rid of regular chores that take time away from the two of you
make time for yourself to do what you love - often the Ironman widow feels like everything is left to them and they have no time for themselves. While you talk about your schedules, make sure that you get some time for yourself too without work, house work and kids.
Why don’t you start practicing triathlon as well? My BF and i are both triathletes, even though he trains much more than i do. But since we practice the same sport, and we are on the same team, we spend more time together. It becomes easier for me to understand his absence. And when we are not trainning, we always try to spend some quality time together… doing thigs that couples do…
I’m guessing this is his first Ironman? If so, it is quite common, though also quite unintentional, for his world to become VERY small. The task is so daunting that its easy to start minimizing energy spent elsewhere in your life to focus on this chosen task. It can even get overwhelming at times.
I would not assume, if I were you, that his silence is a reflection on you or his perception of your relationship.
It is not a fun position to be in, for you, I am sure. And you should be heard…but I’d choose an appropriate time to be heard. Perhaps after his race is completed, and he’s had some time to rest and reflect on the experience. I’d caution you to be mindful, when you do talk about it, of what this experience means to him…not what YOU think it means to him, but find out what his experience was like…then you can probably let him know what YOUR experience was like. And don’t mince words…you don’t like how this is going. That much is obvious. He needs to know that.
There is a balance that can be found. It will take some work. But you’ll both have to respect each other’s needs and desires.
Let me tell you I feel for you. Marraiges are meant to work, but need work every day. The one prayer I never forget is the thank God for my bride and kids.
Certainly you need to empathize with him and work with him toward his goal. He needs to realize that with other responsibilities (YOU!) that everything has to be in moderation. I had to learn that I can no longer strive to be th every best athlete I can possibly be; rather, my goal is to be the optimal athlete that i can be given my restraints, gladly self imposed, in life.
So, the question for me is how do you train and race while keeping your spouse and kids at as the number one priority? My paradoxical approach is to “integrate” training with family as much as possible while at the same time keeping training as “invisible” as possible most of the time. I have come up with several rules/techniques that seem to work, and you might want to share with your husband:
The golden rule is that family is number one! Therefore all training must work around family, and non-training time must be clearly devoted to family - both in your heart and through outward expression and deeds (i.e. I always do the dishes!).
Try to keep training as “invisible” as possible to the family. I think this is obvious. Swim at 0-dark-thirty, run at lunch, etc. I sometimes run home at lunch and get “two for the price of one!”
Here is my favorite trick - I will go any where my wife wants to go, any time she wants to go, as long as I get to run or bike one way. Last year I biked home from the zoo, biked to my in-laws, bike to/from family vacation, run home from the mall, run to/from church activities, etc. I change in the car a lot! You wouldn’t believe how many training opportunities this presents! It’s also kind of fun mapping out rendevous spots, the kids watching for Daddy on his bike, and exploring new areas.
Return to quality versus quantity training. For Ironman Canada 2002 my bike training consisted of one 70 mile time trial every Saturday morning flat out - note that was all the time I had in order for my wife to make her yoga class (see priority #1 above) . That was it for the week. My only other rides were two 100 mile rides to and from a family vacation. I was a little scared that I hadn’t done enough, but I ended up with my fastest bike split on that course (4 times). I’m not a physiologist, but I think we all tend to spend too much time dawdling along and when forced not to dawdle there are some real fitness benefits. 10 years ago nobody could have told me that an average athlete like me could go sub 11 hours for an Ironman on 10 hours a week training at 42 years old (45 now).
Bonus fitness opportunities include family hikes, baby jogger runs (I do laps w/ the double jogger while mommy power walks - it’s a family event! How about my now famous Bike/Mow bricks!?
Always refer back to rule number one and put your family first. The rewards will surely come!
I wish you and your spouse the very best as you work through this.
when things are going cold with my husband I write him a letter explaining how I feel about everything. then i give it to him and let him read it. this has worked in the past–meaning that it makes him see how I feel and things begin to go differently. my husband isn’t into talking about feelings, or really opening up. this can be hard, and he can become consumed with his hobby at times, or his job. sometimes though, it takes an argument for something to change–i hate to say that but it’s true.
but on the time together thing, perhaps you need to settle on one night a week where you have a date, and then part of/whole weekend day where you have another date (this might even be hanging out at home–the point is spend time together doing whatever you both want to do). time where he won’t be consumed with training, or tired from it. after his race, schedule a vacation together. if he isn’t open to these things, then i don’t know what to do from there.
I’m with elake on this one…I find the responses very selffish and self-serving.
Perhaps you should tell your husband he should approach your marriage and committment with the same way the he approaches his training…
As the same time, there may be hints of other issues with your relationship. It’s just tough to know. I’m not married, but definatley look for someone with a “passion” in their life. Doesn’t need to be triathlon, just something outside the “relationship” in which they have goals. I find many of my “married” friends give up too much of their autonomy (usually the women, especially after children) when they really need to find the proper balance.
Well, elake, my understanding is that right now she’s not being heard, and probably is unlikely to be TRULY heard until the guy gets this thing done with. She can talk right now until she’s blue in the face, and its not likely to get her more than resentment and irratation on his part. DON’T read that as me condoning his action. Far from it. He needs to discover balance…and, you’re correct, consult his priorities. I just don’t think that’s going to happen right now, no matter how much we would like it to happen.
“That explains your lack of perspective, then. Anytime you make things an either/or situation…the relationship is going to suffer.”
You don’t know if I’m divorced or not
You don’t know if I’m engaged
You don’t know if I’m in a LT relationship
Lack of perspective?
A relationship will not suffer in a situation which has clearly been communicated, discussed and agreed upon. It’s a choice. I commend those folks who discuss their ambition “honey, I’d like to do an Ironman next year, will that work with our plans?” rather than coming home one day and saying “pack your bags, we’re going to Panama City next November”.
Many men would rather beg for forgiveness than ask for permission…which creates tension.
Though I didn’t feel like my wife and I had any issues as I was training for my first IM last year, she watched me finish and was so inspired that she signed up the next day for this year’s IMLP. Now, we spend countless hours together on our matching basement computrainers, swim together Friday nights, and are completely too tired to do anything else (much to the chagrin of our other relatives, but so what).
Why not try Ironman yourself? If you say you can’t do it, my wife started from absolute scratch. I mean she could not get into and out of the clipless pedals safely for the first month or swim more than 100 yards consecutively. Last month she finished her first 1/2 Ironman (her 2nd triathlon), and I think she is going to be able to finish IMLP next month.
As someone who has gone through a divorce it seems that there is a huge communication problem. IM had nothing to do with my divorce, I didn’t do triathlon then, but communication was the problem.
If you still are having problems after the IM, don’t overlook marital counselling. It’s saved more than a few marriages.
