Last week there was a good thread going about the benefits of having a spouse or significant other who is into tri. Several people mentioned that the biggest benefit was that their other half just “got it” or understood why one would train for ungodly amounts of time and eat, drink, and sleep tri.
I’m on the exact opposite side of the scale; my spouse doesn’t get it, doesn’t want to get it, and, at times, can be downright negative and unsupportive.
A good example: I was racing in a 206 mile cycling event where each participant was responsible for his/her our own support. I busted my ass all summer training for this race. Several miles into the race I turned a corner to the location of the first of three support sites – support crews, mostly spouses, were running out into the street handing off sag bags to the racers as they flew by. I looked around for support crew (my wife) not wanting to lose a single second. She was nowhere to be found. Finally, I feathered off some speed; I really needed fresh water bottles. Then I slowed down to a complete stop. After a few minutes, I spotted her – my wonderful support crew was sitting on a curb reading a book; totally oblivious to my arrival. I love the lady to death but WTF???
Wifey hates it when I train, accuses me of training to avoid spending time with the fam, and “accidentally” turns off the alarm on days when I wake up early to train.
Am I the ONLY one with this issue? Any suggestion for dealing with it?
Maybe ask a friend to be your support crew. Don’t make her be a part of it if she doesn’t like it.
We made a vacation out of the event so she enjoyed it and would offended if I did ask someone else to be my support. And I certainly don’t expect her to get giddy about my hobby(ies); it is nice for both of us to have alone time once in a while (I’ve never understood those couples who work together and spend every second attached at the hip). I just wish she could see why this is important to me. Sometimes she makes me doubt that what I’m doing is worthwhile. You all know there is enough internal mental strain in this sport without taking stress from the outside; especially from the one person who is supposed to support you through thick and thin.
that sucks…I feel weird about giving relationship advice, but here goes.
Does your wife have a hobby or something that she is totally into? If so, I would make an effort to be extra supportive of her endeavors. And make a concerted effort to explain to her why triathlon is important to you. Maybe she doesn’t ‘get’ it because she can’t relate to it.
All I can suggest is that you can’t force her to be a part if she is so against it, but she should certainly respect your dreams/aspirations and not try to sabotage your attempts.
Wifey hates it when I train, accuses me of training to avoid spending time with the fam, and “accidentally” turns off the alarm on days when I wake up early to train.
wow- sabotaging your training?! not cool.
If she resents your training that much, a heart-to-heart talk is probably in order.
I think not overracing is the key…I limit my season to only one or two races that I have to travel to…once she went to IMFL with me and saw the race I think she gets it (I think)…
**You all know there is enough internal mental strain in this sport without taking stress from the outside; especially from the one person who is supposed to support you through thick and thin. **
Where did you hear that a spouse has to support YOUR HOBBIES through thick and thin?
(I’ve never understood those couples who work together and spend every second attached at the hip)
My b/f and I pretty much used to be just that (although not in a co-dependant way). Now we live an ocean apart so its gone from 1 extreme to the other. I prefered the former.
I understand the wanting her to get it. Maybe you could explain (you probably already have) just how important it is to you, and outline exactly what she is to do as your crew. Give her approximate times so she can safely read her book for x amount of time, then maybe have an alarm set on her watch to remind her when you are expected through the aid station.
Does your wife have a hobby or something that she is totally into?
She likes to keep up on the celebrity gossip. No, I didn’t make that up. I support her with this hobby by supporting her disgusting once-a-month People Magazine habit.
I don’t mean to get personal but do you have any children? Does she have any hobbies? Maybe you are training too much and she feels neglected… Since she turns off your alarm clock on occasion what made you think she would be the best person to handle your sag bag?
My dad always used to ask what I like so much about running/biking/swimming - his “thing” is cars, and he just bought a volvo convertible. I finally explained, “the feeling I get s/b/r is similar to the feeling you get driving the convertible on a summer day.” That helped.
point of hte story, connect it to something she does and enjoys.
I don’t mean to get personal but do you have any children? Does she have any hobbies? Maybe you are training too much and she feels neglected… Since she turns off your alarm clock on occasion what made you think she would be the best person to handle your sag bag?
She works in an ER so she often has late hours. We rarely spend any time together during the week. I make an attempt to spend lots of time with her on the weekends. She even likes to drop me off at the gym while she shops.
She PROMISED to be responsible with the sag bag.
Am I really the only person on here who has an unsupportive spouse?
Nice. Your problems are not going to be solved by you going on line trying to get a bunch of athletes to agree your wife is a shallow idiot who can’t even crew right. You guys need counseling and fast.
**point of hte story, connect it to something she does and enjoys. **
Well, he said she likes celebrity gossip so maybe he could try something like this,
“so, let’s say you saw Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie walking down the street. You strike up a conversation and become fast friends. They invite you to dinner and then want to spend the next day with you so you set your alarm at 5:00 am to get ready. How would you feel if I shut the alarm off.”
Asking her to crew a 206 mile bike ride is pushing it somewhat if you know she’s not interested…it’s not like you’re asking for a couple of hours. Maybe shorter eventa might help…
“We made a vacation out of the event so she enjoyed it and would offended if I did ask someone else to be my support.”
not to be harsh, but in one sentence you say she doesn’t want to support you, and then in the next you say she would be offended if you didn’t ask her to be support crew. so, could it be you who needs to figure it out? it makes no sense that she would be downright negative, but then turn around and feel hurt by not being your support crew. that makes no sense whatsoever.
Also, how long ago was this race? you said summer right? and you’re harping on it…in January? lol…sorry, but that’s ridiculous. if you INSIST that she sag, then you better be explicit about instructions. remember, she was there for you, and it seems that it’s you resent that because she didn’t do it good enough. seems strange to me, perhaps you should work on letting things go, eh? and quit acting like a major dick about shit that happened months ago.
so, here are some simple ideas to improve things.
if you want to take a family vacation, leave your hobby at home. focus on the family instead. that’s a start. that means, DO NOT TAKE BIKE, DO NOT DRAG YOUR FAMILY TO A RACE THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT. DO NOT MAKE THEM SIT AROUND AND SAG FOR YOU, WHEN YOU’LL JUST BE PISSED THAT THEY DIDN’T DO ENOUGH OF A GOOD JOB.
if she is uninterested in your sport, and her disinterest makes you feel doubt, then perhaps you have your own issues to work out. don’t blame her disinterest for your own confusion about what it is you’re doing in the sport.
honestly, my husband could care less if i ran 3 hours or 30 minutes. he just flat out doesn’t care and leaves it up to me. but in no way does his neutrality make me doubt what i’m doing. because i have to have that straight in my own head, it’s not his responsibility (it’s mine). and i don’t need him telling me it’s something i should do in order to feel like i’m doing the right thing.
as for the alarm clock, why is she doing that? do you complain of feeling tired all the time? do you spend enough quality time with her in bed? yes, these are personal questions, but i can’t help believe that there might be something you can do to help the situation out. if you only see her on weekends, is it really fair of you to get up early and be gone all day riding a bike? personally, if this were the case for my husband, i would probably turn the alarm clock off too.
my overall thoughts are this: if you doubt what you’re doing in sport, then do what you need to do to figure it out. that’s all. once you do that, i’m sure everything else will straighten out.
I used to get from my Dad…aren’t you too old to do those ironman triathlons. Not amy more…his memory is shot so he no longer remembers what the hell I’m doing …that took care of the lack of supportive energy …older sister doesn’t getit either…she doesn’t talk to me anymore…
Younger sister gets it…girlfriend gets it very well too…
