(The following is an imaginary trial brought by the DA in Slowtonvilleburg, USA. Names have been changed to protect…well, nobody. Any similarities between the imaginary trial participants and real people are meant to be close to what the imaginary people may have said, had this not been an imaginary trial.)
The DA’s opening statement: "Your Honor, the Court knows that in Slowtonvilleburg, all things that increase ones speed on a bicycle, or while running, are ruled unlawful and disgusting. Riding a P3 is punishable by a mandatory 5 year prison sentence, riding with a wind at ones back is similarly punished. Even owning a disc wheel is a felony. My office intends to show that Dr. Freak Night, and his heinous invention known as PCs, are responsible for increasing YukkiCarbone’s speed in triathlons, as well as duathlons. Exibit A is a gold-colored crank system. Exibit B is a chart of all of YukkiCarbone’s race results from the last two years, and Yukki’s first three races of this year. Note that while Yukki did improve somewhat from the first year to the second, he never finished near the podium, with the exception of his very first Novice race, where he placed third.
Your Honor, notice how he placed 4th, with a 10 minute faster time than last year on the same course, in his first race this year. Then he had the fastest run split in his AG and place second in a Duathlon (with an increase in average bike speed of THREE mph over last year on the same course). And, finally, in his first 1/2 ironman, Yukki finished Fourth in his AG with the 3rd fastest run split in the AG, 39th fastest run split overall.
It’s obvious that this former front-of-the-middle-of-the-packer, Yukki, has done SOMETHING that has caused him to break the very moral fibre core of Slowtonvilleburg…SOMETHING has caused Yukki to race with a measureably vulgar increase in SPEED! YES, Yukki is guilty of one of the highest crimes in our courts. And our office knows what has caused Yukki to sink to such a pitiful state, because we have his training records over the past three years…label these Exibit C. Note that the only change has been his addiction to using PCs since late December. He hasn’t even run very much at all…Decreasing running mileage is encouraged in Slowtonvilleburg because it usually results in the preferred result…slowness in the run. So, although Yukki seemed to be doing the right thing to decrease run speed, he was just trying to divert your attention. DON’T be fooled, your Honor. All of his normal biking was done with the PCs invented by Dr. Freak Night. Look at the training times, distances, and total mileage on the bike. Nothing else changed from year to year, except the evil addition of PC riding. Yukki has a wanton and willful speed problem, evidenced by his use of PCs, and he must be punished to the fullest extent our courts will allow."
Yukki’s defense Attorney, Not a PCinger, gives his opening statement: “Your Honor, everyone here in this community hates speed increases. Yukki and I are members of high standing in the community, and we hate increases in speed as much as the next person. If it please the Court, mark this item I hold in my hand as Defense exhibit Z. (Not a PCinger dramatically hoists a telephone-book-like thick folder in the air…straining to show it is extremely heavy.) In this massive collection, I have every double-blind, peer-reviewed, flawlessly executed study which prove PCs to be the cause of a morally repugnant increase in speed on the bike, and/or run.” He drops it to the floor with a thud that makes the water glasses on the tables clink. The courtroom spectators gasp in horror at the volume of paper in Exhibit Z. (An elderly lady begins to weep quietly, because Yukki must be guilty of knowingly using something proven beyond all doubt to result in increases in speed in so many studies…the HORROR of it all!)
Not a PCinger continued: “Yukki would know of at least some of these study results, (although not all of the studies…because he certainly isn’t as exquisitely as educated as I am) that show beyond the slightest shadow of a doubt, that PCs would result in a felonious increase in speed. And, if this is the case, Yukki SHOULD be sentenced to the maximum punishment for his wanton and purposeful pursuit (no pun intended) of speed.”
Then, Not a PCinger walked back to the defense table, leaving the mound of papers on the floor. It seemed Yukki’s own defense attorney had abandoned him, had set him up as guilty of this heinous crime. The courtroom was stunned! What was Not a PCinger doing! This has to be malpractice in the worst way.
The Judge asked the bailiff to bring Defense Exibit Z to the bench. As the bailiff lifted the mound…all the papers fell out on the floor. But, the entire courtroom burst into laughter as it became clear that there were no words printed on any paper. No such study had ever been published. Not a PCinger was brilliant! Yukki would be exonerated…there was NO evidence that the gold-colored devices were anything other than a novelty, not some speed-increasing, diabolically evil devil-toy. Yukki’s increases in racing speeds must be due to something else…but what could it be?
No matter, that would have to be a different lawsuit. The DA withdrew the suit due to lack of credible evidence. It was now a lawsuit that the DA would never be able to prosecute, because, try as he might, the DA couldn’t find anything else that Yukki had done differently. It had to be the PCs, it just had to be. The DA knew it, but he simply couldn’t find a study to prove it.
Update, Years later: The DA retired and became a vacuum cleaner salesman. At least it was an honest profession, there is so much dirt in the world that needs to be removed. Not a PCinger went on to live somewhere in academia-land and was never heard from again…because he knew in his heart that he’d successfully defended a felon, although he’d never admit it to anyone…in fact, he couldn’t bring himself to admit it even to himself, except on dark nights when some dank theory would bite the dust and be replaced by a better theory. Dr. Freak Night left the country and went to places that weren’t so conservative in their views on speed. Yukki began actually winning some of his races, but kept his PC habit hidden or disguised, so nobody would know what he was doing…because although Yukki knew that speed increases were morally wrong, Yukki had experienced the taste of evil speed, and he liked it.
