You might be a Redneck triathlete if:

Triathlon Forum
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(feedback welcomed - sorry if these have already
been posted. I thought a couple were pretty funny)

One of your bike bottles on race day contains a bit of Granny’s special brew

And you’ve got a couple emergency cans of Bud in your run special needs bag

You have ever stopped in the middle of a long ride or run to field dress the recent road kill deer on the side of the county highway

One of your tri club’s discounts is at Mike’s Tackle and Gun Shop

You’ve got a dog chained up to your trailer to guard the old Litespeed frames up on blocks in your front yard

You consider moon pies and RC to be the perfect post-workout recovery foods

Your favorite NASCAR driver is Michael Waltrip because he ran Boston and you have a “15” sticker on your bike top tube to show the love

Other stickers on your bike include ones for Valvoline, Goody’s Headache Powder, NAPA Auto Parts, the Confederate flag, and Calvin pissing on a Trek logo

The information packet for a local off road sprint suggests racers wear orange on the bike leg because it’s varmint season in those woods

Your tri buddy Merle is the race director for the General Robert E. Lee Memorial Charity Triathlon and Mud Rasslin’ Classic

The start of the Leeman isn’t a horn or a siren, but rather “Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines”

The Leeman gives out finisher’s belt buckles instead of finisher’s medals

Merle’s having problems getting permits for the Leeman this year because the bass fisherman on the lake complain the racers scare off too many fish

You have Playboy bunny mudflaps on your beater bike

Your race wheels are out of true because you just couldn’t keep from running over that 'dillo

The rack in the back of your pick-up holds both bikes and guns

You’ve used lard as a lubricant in a pinch when you ran out of BodyGlide

Your family encourages you to do Memphis in May every year because it’s their way of getting the Graceland pilgrimmage in

Your pre-race music tape includes selections by Hank Williams and Johnny Cash

You’ve got a stash of firecrackers in your bike bento box "just in case"you’ve got to scare away the neighbor’s coon hound again

You’ve wondered if keeping the mullet was worth it because it takes you an extra three seconds to get your bike helmet on in T1 with your hair like that

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hehehehe. Some are good.

3

lol
.

4

th trousers you sport are both good for wadin in the creek beds, and double as bicyclin’ pants with a little addition of duct tape around the ankles

your bike shoes also double as your Friday night dress up shoes, hikin/huntin shoes, and Tuesday night in the alley with the boys shoes

instead of Gu, you just put a jaw full of baccer in…don’t taste as good, but you get a buzz from it

your back seat bottle holders are fully loaded with miller lite tall boys. if it’s the end of the month and yer check ain’t come you settle for PBR.

yer recovery meal involves sittin by a firepit, eating french fried potatas, with fresh kilt squirrel meat on the rotisserise

when yer racin clothes gets to stinkin, you reluctantly grab yer bar a soap and start plunging those bicyclin’ pants on the washboard

the color of yer bike is rust

the material of yer bike is rust

yer ideal race conditions include a couple of water girls that have on cowgirl boots, fringed tank tops and daisy duke jean shorts

you dare some feller to suck on yer wheel, he’s fixin to get an eye full of yeller baccer juice

when yer family comes to watch you, the entire family comes…Granny on top of the truck in her rockin chair, Sissy on the sidelines makin nice with the other fellers and passin out fresh baked cornbread sticks, Mammy sittin down exhausted cause she’s 8 months pregnant with yer 8th (or 9th, you ferget), Little Johnny, Lucy, Angel, Peggy, Angie, Patty, LisaLou, MaryLou, and Billy sit under the tent havin a friendly contest of who can spit sunflower seeds the farthest. Granny’s stingy with that jug o lemonade moonshine, but if you twist her arm enough, she’ll give you a swig.

When you cross the finish line you take the bandaner off yer head and put it in the back of yer bicyclin pants cause you’ll need it to wipe down the tracker later

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ok, maybe you guys aren’t rednecks like me. personally, I was crackin myself up writing this stuff…but then again, I’m a redneck (lol)

meow

kittycat

6

  1. You pee in your shorts… on training rides.

  2. You think you look good in your speedo.

  3. You stop on the side of the road and french kiss your wife during an IM race.

  4. The bumper sticker on your bike reads, “Follow me too close and I’ll flick a booger on ya!”

  5. You’ve been in Hooters in biking shorts. And thought you looked good in them.

  6. You email the race director to ask if they have RV hookups.

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RV hookups! now that’s funny!!! hooters, I forgot about that place…hahahahahaha!!!

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A few more:

Open water swimming is the only kind you know.

You use your bike helmet and hardhat interchangeably.

You prefer bib shorts cause they feel more like your everyday clothes.

9

Original attribute appreciated, please. (I don’t mind reposts, but credit is much appreciated)

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When you’re worried that the bondo repair on your downtube is as ‘aero’ as the hood scoop on your IROC.

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These are actually ones I have witnessed: You use a circa 1980’s windsurfing wetsuit for the swim Your sunglasses are a pair of Eagle Eyes from the infomercial (many people will not remember these) You ride the 180km bike leg in running shoes to “save time” in transition This is funny and scary one I saw: You drill holes in your handlebars to save weight, meanwhile you fail to notice the extra 20 lbs of lard hanging over the edge of your bike shorts. You take a magazine with you into the portopottie prior to the start of the triathlon You’ve got the most aero helmet but your leg hair is so long that it catches flies as you cycle
.

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Good ones AJ.

You use a circa 1980’s windsurfing wetsuit for the swim

don’t remember those, but I still have a pair
of “Blue Blockers” (never wear them though
(yeah…right))

13

You don’t swim so good cause your gene pool only has a shallow end.

The gun rack on your cervelo is carbonfiber to save weight.

Your bike split in Shreveport was slow cause that possum took a while to get into the bento box at nationals.

14

Okay, Cerveloguy and a few others probably knew I was going to weigh in. Rednecks, by definition members of the rural, white, Southern working class, are now officially the only socio-economic group that it is PC to make fun of.

When I made fun of India, people here ripped off my head and s**t down my neck. How many of ya’ll making fun of Rednecks would howl if someone started a thread like, “You might be a Polack triathlete if…”

No, I am not being oversensitive. I am actually saying that the WORLD is too oversensitive. I am Irish Catholic and I love a good Irish Catholic joke. Just be prepared to take it if you want to dish it out. I can, can you?

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So I dun been scused fo talking bout me peeps.

And I have seen a Redneck sleep under his truck cause it was raining. And his support crew for an Ultramarathon he met in a bar the night before, and she slept under the truck too.

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I’d laugh at the Polack one if you got the jokes right. (I’m all for Frank Yankovic as pre-race music) Them’s my people there.

And even though I’m one of those not to be trusted ivory tower types, I’ve lived in what considered to be the South since 1996. The stereotypical rednecks are good folks who will pull over their pick-ups and offer to help me change a flat bike tire. I’ve raced Mulletman as an Athena in a rare attempt at actual cherry picking because I so wanted one of those damn fish trophies.

But the sherpa and I have been making redneck triathlete jokes ever since an Alabama race a couple years back that involved an armadillo road kill counting contest on the drive in, and fighting the bass boat trailers in the parking lot that was also serving as T1. Hey, when you’re a minority of sorts and a stranger in a strange land, it’s fun to poke at the entrenched power structure at times.

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“Blue Blockers! (person takes off sunglasses and looks at them enthusiastically and in disbelief). They’re amazing!!!”

I sure remember those commercials…

Also, “Amber Vision! (same stage directions). They’re amazing!!”