Closest prediction to my actual finish time, without going over (Bob Barker is my hero), will win some kind of schwag. I promise, I will mail it to you.
No hints from me about my background. Unless you are one of the Hardy Boys & want to search through my 543 previous posts on here.
Let it fly, Nostradamuses.
9 hours 13 minutes 45 seconds
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11.02.
Ok I’ll play, I’ll go 12:05 because of the heat and it being a new race
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5 minutes
Assuming slow transitions
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I’m not playing unless you raffle of a new P3C, a pair of HED Tri-spokes, and a DeSoto T1.
Victor
My bid is 12:34:56
~30min PR?
Woo Hoo another contest.
Bob, I’m going to say…
11:10:36
Have fun!
11:53
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My predictions:
Swim- You’ll start the swim after eating a fish you’ll see during warm-up. This won’t seem strange at the time, but will bear a harsh reality soon enough. During the swim you’ll find that you’re comfortable swimming not only around people, but underneath them as well as you pass your competition. You’ll also notice that the breathing pattern that you worked out after hours in club training: 2-3-2-2-3 has actually gone to something like 0-0-1(out of confusion)-0-0-1(out of fear). After swimming alone for the last 2.12 miles, you’ll exit the water at a world-record time(by a considerable amount). It is at this moment that you realize that you didn’t put on your wetsuit, and it is the moment after this that you’ll realize that you’re a Baiji, a freshwater, river-dwelling dolphin. You will suddenly regret flicking off the witch doctor in the '93 Geo Tracker that cut you off on the drive to the race site. You’ll also suddenly discover irony in the fact that not only did you consume dolphin (brain, dorsal fin, tongue and “miscellaneous” fried parts) last year during the Caribbean cruise, but that you also made a point of buying the novelty t-shirt bearing the statement “I’d rather be eating dolphin” directly after the meal. Your wife, distracted by a funny-looking, fat apparent comic-book fan screaming “DOLPHINMAN!!!” will not see you exiting the water.
Swim - 19 minutes, 2 seconds
T1- After flopping your way to the transition area past a crowd which is now almost entirely silent, you’ll find mounting your bike somewhat problematic.
T1 - 54 minutes, 9 seconds
Bike- After the four race-volunteers, who just so happen to be militant members of PETA, balance you precariously, most weight on the aerobars, on your cycle, the overly-eager, love-starved 18-year old president of PETA’s NYU chapter will volunteer to straddle your elongated body and do most of the pedaling for you throughout the course of the bike leg. Not willing to risk disqualifying you, she’ll meekly inquire to a race official as to the legality of the two-person (person being used in its most loose sense) riding technique. She will not, however, realize that the official has been stricken comatose shortly after seeing you, but will giggle sheepishly at his blank expression, and interpret it as both 1. The official expressing his attraction to her and 2. His allowance of her improvised race strategy.
The first 30 miles of the bike will go poorly for you. While straddling a dolphin happens to be much like riding a really chubby horse genetically engineered by the fine people at La-z-boy, being the dolphin in this case is excruciatingly painful, and will cause you, among other things, to lose your grip on reality. The advantage to this is that it will cause the remainder of the ride to be a somewhat psychedelic thrill ride. However, the well-intentioned girl atop your sleek gray mass will never have biked further than the three mile ride to hot topic to pick up the latest “green day” tee-shirt in hopes of gaining the approval of her peers. She will have no concept of the physical demands of a 112 bike leg, nor of the nutritional needs of her body during such a trial. Therefore, this will be a very SLOW psychedelic thrill ride.
After a brief, yet heated confrontation with a volunteer at mile 56 who had handed her a “special needs bag” the girl will curse loudly, demanding that she is not retarded, then go on to finish the last half of the bike. Your thrill ride will come to an abrupt halt as a the weight of the young female who has been in a bonk for the last 82 miles suddenly flops off you and your ride. However, the girl, now completely delusional from exhaustion and starvation, will soon throw herself back on you, demand that you marry her this instant and that you are the only man who truly understands her… special needs. As you flop your awkward form a safe distance away, you’ll look up to the sky in exasperation, and be punched in what should be your face by the fat comic-book man from earlier, who coincidentally has been harboring a secret obsession with your animal-loving socially inept biking-buddy. It won’t hurt, mind you, as the man has the maximum vertical bench-press of the hard-bound collectors edition of “V for Vendetta”, but you’ll also have had a pretty long day so far, and the blow will not make you feel much better.
Bike- 9 hours, 57 minutes, 51 seconds
T2- Shaking off the reprimands of someone whose only friend in life was captain America, you’ll roll (as you’ve found that to be a more efficient mode of transportation) to your T2 bag. Ignoring the food-themed comments of spectators with whom the one thing you have in common is a certain dolphin-related shirt, you slide your once pleasantly slimy, now badly-dehydrated epidermis through your race belt. A flash of hope will suddenly surge through your as you recall the episode of Gilligan’s Island in which the Skipper recovers from having been transfigured into a gorilla by drinking a healthy amount of coconut juice. This will help you wipe off the tears and march(roll) to the start of the run, or at least, it would, if you had the water to produce tears, or some extremity capable of wiping them away. You will keep a stiff upper beak and begin the run with what most would consider unreasonable determination.
T2- 15 minutes, 55 seconds
Run- Dolphins can’t run, dumbass.
Run- DNF.
Total - DNF.
Good luck!! Hope I’m wrong, and let me know if I win that hat or shirt!!!
12:30
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10:57:44
BareNaked makes some great stuff.
11:44:42
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Dude, Can I have a few of what you’re on?
Seriously, can I?
13:05 Im not looking for a hat or shirt give me one of Barkers Beauties
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“What am I on? I’m on my bike, six hours a day, busting my ass. What are you on?”
No i’m just kidding, that’s a Lance quote. I’m on scotch. And no, you can’t have some, because you OBVIOUSLY you don’t have the means, financial or otherwise, to procure this scotch… i mean, unless… unless you have like 20 bucks, and live within driving distance of a liquor store.
I bought my scotch from a friendly Korean guy.
Your going to be the overall winner so don’t worry about the time.
12:38.22
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One dollar.
12:07
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