ok, got a 14 step-daughter…aaaaaaaaand it’s that time of life. she’s a great kid, told my wife that if anything ever happened to her(wife) my step-kiddo could stay here and we’d figure things out. so for all practical purposes i treat her like my own daughter. there’s a boy at school she’s actually admitted to liking, he’s asked her over to watch a movie and mom’s said nope, not until we meet the parents and come up with some rules. she’s at a new school this year so we know no one there.
how have you seasoned parents dealt with your kid(s) dating rituals? i’m especially interested in how you have dealt with boys when they come to meet/get your daughters, but i know lessons can be learned from both sides of the coin. lets hear your stories. i got this sign to post by the drive, the wife is ok with it.
The whole cleaning the shotgun at the kitchen table thing is too cliche. I’m collecting Civil War era surgical instruments and will hang them on the wall next to my combat decorations and mementos. I’ll bring the boy in to have a talk with those at my back. A simple “I can keep you alive and conscious while it’s happening” should suffice.
Now there is some creativity. So glad I have about 14yrs before this is an issue…but, I’ve already caught the next door neighbor boys (4 and 3) giving her a kiss on the cheek.
I think about the only thing you can do is to make sure that there is some level of supervision at all times. At that age things can get out of control very quickly and you can be “Grandpa” in the flash of an eye. Best intentions be damned, hormones are more powerful.
Getting in touch with the other parents, finding out what kind of people they are etc is a good idea. Sitting in the basement with no one around with the lights off “Watching a movie” is WAY different then sitting in the living room with people walking around every now and then “Watching a movie”. Some parents simply don’t care and don’t pay attention, others do.
If you have even the slightest hint of uneasiness simply tell her they can watch a movie at your house or not at all. More then likely if the push is “But I want to do it at their house”, it’s because both parties know that no one will be watching at their house.
My daughter is almost 13. It became apparent toward the end of the last school year that she like a boy and he liked her. We spoke to the boy’s parents and we agreed that we would let them hang out together over the summer. We chaperoned movies, they hung out and each others house, lots of texting… By July they were no longer interested in each other… I know it’s only going to get worse for my wife and I but I am glad we were able to do this in baby steps.
Just remember, she’s going to start dating with or without your consent. You need to develop a mutual understanding and agreement, not a dictatorship.
THIS. The middle schoolers I hang around with ALL have a girlfriend/boyfriend (regardless of what their parents know or think) but at that age, the “dating” is merely a status thing and not much physical interaction. I’ve heard conversations from the boys where going in for the hug is like skipping to 2nd base to them and a pretty big deal. It’s cute. For now.
The advice I gave my oldest daughter on her first date: bed by 10, home by 11.
I actually told her that, but in seriousness, I didn’t allow a one on one date until she was 16. And even then, I encouraged group dating. Before 16, I allowed her to go to school dances and things like that, but either I or another parent dropped and picked her up with a group of her girlfriends. I’m not naive to think that nothing happended at a chaperoned school dance, but I limited alone time with someone of the opposite sex until she was 16. And like I said, even then we monitored things. It also helped to have a solid and open relationship where she felt comfortable sharing things – sometimes that may mean one parent gets the inside info over the other.
I don’t have kids but my boyfriend does. Not sure how spending time with his kid and our friends’ kids is considered creepy, but I can see a possibly poor word choice on my end.
I think about the only thing you can do is to make sure that there is some level of supervision at all times. At that age things can get out of control very quickly and you can be “Grandpa” in the flash of an eye. Best intentions be damned, hormones are more powerful.
Getting in touch with the other parents, finding out what kind of people they are etc is a good idea. Sitting in the basement with no one around with the lights off “Watching a movie” is WAY different then sitting in the living room with people walking around every now and then “Watching a movie”. Some parents simply don’t care and don’t pay attention, others do.
If you have even the slightest hint of uneasiness simply tell her they can watch a movie at your house or not at all. More then likely if the push is “But I want to do it at their house”, it’s because both parties know that no one will be watching at their house.
~Matt
We also tried to make our house the place where all the friends could comfortably hang out. We let the kids do their own things, for the most part, but we were always present, going in and out of the room. Our kids friends felt comfortable enough to stop over all the time, the knew the fridge and pantry was open to them, etc. It helped open up communication with our own kids.
we know nature is going to take it’s course, we’re not naive thinking we can curtail it. i do want the boy to think before he does anything stupid that there now can be consequences for his actions, and they’re consequences that may be meted out by someone who doesn’t give a shit about his wellbeing. will it work, prob not. hormonal teen boys, and girls, are powerful creatures. if i can help keep the obstcales thrown in front of my step-daughter to a manageable level i’ve done all i can. i just want to help a good kid…but still want her to learn about life and growing up.
I remember ‘dating’ my first girlfriend at age 13. What I don’t remember as common, was constant parent supervision when I was over there, or when she was at my place.
Kids are going to do whatever they want to do whether you like it or not. Best thing you can do is teach and educate them as best you can, and be their ally, not their enemy, as they start dating.
One thing you need to accept is she is probably going to have sex with someone relatively soon. That is inevitable. I really don’t know how I would deal with that if it were my own daughter, but I think once you accept that part it will probably be easier to deal with the rest of it.
I remember ‘dating’ my first girlfriend at age 13. What I don’t remember as common, was constant parent supervision when I was over there, or when she was at my place.
Kids are going to do whatever they want to do whether you like it or not. Best thing you can do is teach and educate them as best you can, and be their ally, not their enemy, as they start dating.
One thing you need to accept is she is probably going to have sex with someone relatively soon. That is inevitable. I really don’t know how I would deal with that if it were my own daughter, but I think once you accept that part it will probably be easier to deal with the rest of it.
What I don’t get is the “threatening” of the guy when, unless there is some sort of assault, it’s the daughter who basically makes the call on what is going to happen or not.
I used to put the big saw-zall with the demo blade on it on my desk and invite them down to see my old mug shots.
Seriously, the greatest thing we had going for us was her relationship with my wife.
“It also helped to have a solid and open relationship where she felt comfortable sharing things – sometimes that may mean one parent gets the inside info over the other.”
Ditto
Because a lot of girls that age will believe what any guy says at face value, and there are more then enough guys out there willing to say whatever they need to to get some action. So yes, the girl is calling the shots, but teenage girls are easily persuaded.
Threatening the kid is a way of letting them know that if he is going to do that, there will be consequences. A little healthy fear/respect of the dad isn’t the worst thing in the world. But like I said above, the best thing you can do is educate your kid about this so they recognize sleazy behaviour and don’t fall for it.
