What is the "best" age to have kids?

The Coffee Shop
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jpo’s thread on being tired, and the conversation about kids that followed if made me think of this. My girlfriend and I have been talking about kids recently. We both want them, and are 31 and 32 years of age. We really don’t want to wait too long, but at the same time, whenever we see friends with young kids we usually say something like “Thank God we don’t have to deal with that just yet!!”. My parents, old world Europeans that they are, feel like we are already over the hill in terms of getting started and should have at least 5 of them by now. My old boss told me he would never want to have kids past the age of 30, as he didn’t think he would have the energy to keep up with them.

I feel like if my girlfriend found out today that she was pregnant, it wouldn’t cause a big panic. While I enjoy my freedom and lifestyle, I feel ready for it and stable enough (we both have decent jobs, lots of family support near by, no debt but not a ton of savings just yet). I feel like it’s one of those things that you might never feel completely ready for, you just need to take the plunge and go for it.

Any words of wisdom from LR parents? I know there are people here who have had kids very young and others who started in their 50’s, and I’m interested in hearing your opinions. If you would have waited longer, started sooner, things you regret doing/not doing before hand etc.

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I think the best age to have kids is whatever age at which they can immediately start contributing to family income. Ideally, you want to have kids who are at an age that can support you in your lifestyle while you retire comfortably.

So, you should probably have kids who are a couple of years older than you.

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  1. Then you can be all finished with them while you’re young.
4

Me and my wife were married at 22 and then we did not want to have kids till our late 20’s. We discovered that the pull and pray method was not super effective and had our first at 25. Our daughter is now 2 and as we look back we both agree it was something we 100% do not regret at all. There is no “good” time to have kids. They are always lots of work, expensive, and time consuming but a huge blessing that is hard to describe until you have been there. We always laugh and think how boring and easy our lives were before we had kids. Once they start talking, holding your hands, asking to go places, sitting in your lap all those sleepless night are instantly forgotten.

5

I went to high school with a girl who’s mom had her at age 14. Her family wanted nothing to do with her after she found out she was pregnant, and she raised the girl with very little help. I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been, but her daughter (my friend) turned out to be very well adjusted, intelligent, thoughtful, ambitious etc. It was bizarre going to her place and meeting her mom, who looked the same age as some other friend’s sisters.

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25-30. Sorry, your too late, best get on that :slight_smile:

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I’m 41 and have a 2 year old. The wife and I were married for 11 years before we decided to have a kid. We had lots of fun in our late 20s and early 30s, so I don’t really regret waiting. But, there is a small part of me that worries that I’m not going to be able to keep up with him in 10 years.

8

How about getting married before talk of kids?

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I also waited, but also had to wait until I found the right person to have kids with!

We had our first when I was 38 and I’m about to turn 40 and our second one is due right about my 40th birthday. My wife is five years younger and we both didn’t want to wait much longer due to possible problems with pregnancy after she was 35. I have to admit it is quite hard right now in terms of sleep, energy levels, etc. but basically you figure out a way and make it through. I also know that the first couple of years are the hardest part in terms of constant care so I’m looking forward to when I’m 42.

If anything it motivates me to stay strong and mobile so that I can enjoy playing with them and doing things with them when they are teenagers and adults. I would love to be that dad who is doing marathons with his daughter when she’s 18.

In answer to your question, knowing what I know now I wish I had been more like 32 when she was born, but it is what it is. At that time there was no way I was ready emotionally or financially to have children.

10

We had our first - I’m 40, wifes 36, we were 39 and 35 when she was born - she’s now 13 months

She has never slept more than about 7 hours straight, so inevitably she is up at 3.30-4am every day, fed and back to sleep till we go to work at 6.15.

Twice in the last year I’ve been exhausted to the point where I’m fit to drop, my wife is more tired more often. I’m a little more resilient.

It is tiring but it is what it is. We travel a lot - she’s done something like 40 flights, 2/3’s of which have been long haul in her first year - its far more interesting now she’s walking…she flew at just under 3 weeks the first time and then once or more per month and she’s been relatively speaking fine - very popular with crew and passengers to the point its annoying.

Would I have had them earlier? no probably not, we’re far better off financially, far better off in terms of what we can offer her at home, I’m not sure that I buy the age being a factor, I know people in their 70’s who you’d think were 90 and others who you’d think were 40.

I know fat out of shape 40 year olds (I was one on my birthday at ~95kg in July) and slightly in better shape 40 year olds (now 78kg - see what I did there)

All I can say is; its tiring, expensive (baby shit new is expensive), time consuming (for something that does so little for so long its an unbelievable time sink - I once lost a entire weekend in the first 3 months where I managed to catch 3 minutes of movie and spent the rest of the weekend cleaning up bodily fluids, off her, that she projected on to me, the car, the furniture - it was like the exorcist), did I say its tiring and time consuming.

On the other hand:

WalkingFirst time she smilessays dada which annoys the shit out of her motherwill scream the house down if I don’t pick her up but her mother doessmiles at everyonegoes swimmingwatches big block sing song (which is really really clever in my opinion - they’re really funny)
All those things and more make the rest of it immaterial really.

The truth is that if people really remembered how tired and wasted they were when they had kids they’d only limit themselves to one - we don’t, so we somehow seem to manage

I don’t know anyone that has had kids in their 20’s other than older generations - all my peers, and close friends had them in their late 30’s and 40’s all were financially more stable and have seemed to muddle through

11

More seriously. Had our when I was 31 but had already been married for 10 years. I think we could have had her at any time and still been OK. Basically it’s an adjustment.

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I agree that there is no right time. There will always be a reason to not have a kid because having a kid is a big deal. While it is one of the greatest things it is a major inconvenience.

Instead of trying to find the right age, look at your financial position and emotional status of your relationship. For instance, can you afford to have a kid or do you already have financial stress? You don’t need both. Second, do you have a really strong relstionship? The first few months are really hard and your marriage suffers. If there are big problems then they will explode often because neither of you are at your best.

My wife wanted kids early so that she could enjoy her forties and later life. She married and had several in her early twenties. That whole plan didn’t work. Fast forward a decade,she and I just had our first this year. There was an 11 year gap between births. She wanted another even though she was much older and we would be empty nesters in 8 years. It was a lot to consider so we just went for it. No regrets at all. Fwiw, I was 34 when my son was born.

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How about getting married before talk of kids?

We actually just got engaged. Been together around 6 years though. I know someone who met someone, got married, had a kid, got divorced and has since remarried, all in the time we had been ‘courting’!

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Don’t do it, why would you want less sleep, money, free time and be grouch all the time?

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Had our first when I was 34, #2 at 36 and #3 7 months ago with me being 39. I always said I never wanted to be 40 and have a baby… but I’d do it again in a heart beat, sleep deprivation and all be darned. Took 17 months to conceive #1, 6 months for #2 and a year and a 1/2 for #3. Would I have liked to have kids earlier in life? Absolutely. Do I regret nearly being 40 and having a baby? Not the least. We got married when I was 31 and had some difficulties conceiving and staying pregnant before #1 and #3. No clue if that was age related or not, doesn’t matter now - as I have 3 amazing little boys. In all honestly - they have become part of our lives - not taken over our lives. We still travel, hike, backpack, ski, etc - they go with us (we take turns watching the little one while the other one skis and the other 2 are in ski school). Yes, some things have changed - no more club hopping and staying awake past 9:00 is nearly impossible now-a-days, but that is just fine with us!! We definitely appreciate a night out on the town much more now.

16

If having no children feels good, stick with it.

17

Start early - less money, more “energy”

Start late - more money, less “energy”.

Neither is right or wrong.

I’m 42 and my older son is 14 and younger is 11, My older son and I race together and I’m guessing he will be beating me before he can drive. Kinda wish my wife and I had started earlier so we would have had a shot (although VERY, VERY slim) to “podium together”. I’m on the downside of my abilities and he is rising quickly.

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I think about this from time to time, especially when my back is hurting or my hips and knees are stiff from a run (it’s been 35 years of running). When my father was my current age of 46, I was finished with college at the age of 22, while my sister had two years to go. It took me a week shy of my 27th birthday to get married and another 2.5 years for my wife (she is 2 years younger) and me to welcome our first son. Our middle son was born 5 years later (same day as oldest started kindergarten), while our 3rd son was born when I was 38. I will be in my mid-50’s when our 3rd son graduates high school…holy cow! Looking that far ahead, I sometimes wish I had kids around the age my parents started their family, which was 24.

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I was 27, 28 and 33.

Nothing can ever prepare you for children. Nothing can adequately describe the loss of free time or the commitment to another little helpless person that needs everything IMMEDIATELY, but I don’t regret it for a second and would do it all over again. They have matured into some fantastic teenagers and one dynamo of an 8 year old.

Hubby is 3.5 years older than I am and his parents were older when he was born. They basically checked out, so he didn’t want to be in his 40s and starting a family. We were financially ready, had been married for 4 years, dated for 4 when the first one came on board. The second one was a bit of a surprise and the third was the shock of a lifetime, but they are super and every lost night of sleep, every snotty moment, all of it was worth it.

The only hard piece of advice I would give is to say that if there are any issues in your relationship proper they will be amplified with bringing in a baby.

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I think late 20s, early 30s is probably ideal for most. You’re settled in life but are only just getting to the age where there are more significant health concerns with pregnancy.

I was always in the “kids aren’t for me” camp and finding out my wife was pregnant was more than a little stressful but I wouldn’t change it for the world now. The first six months sucks, but as soon as they start to develop enough to show personality, every minute with them is very heart melting.

I still don’t like other people’s children…