Want to win Kona? Just read this:

Triathlon Forum
1

Lucifer’s Soul Sales is here to answer your prayers. Body more suited to couch jockeying than Ironman? Let me know your needs, and after signing the contract in blood, you will get what you wanted.

Here’s a couple testimonials:

" I was a fat slob. I had seen one of those triathlon thingies on TV and decided that it was time for me to be cool. But I had no motivation. I called Lucifer and he hooked me up. The only problem was that I had a heart attack at about three feet from the finish line. Now I am in hell"- Gary F., Skokie, IL

Gary, you did not read the fine print, which is always a problem. But I can’t let you look at it with a magnifying glass or you would have burnt a hole in it. Too bad.

" Once I knew nothing about bikes, but I contacted you and you gave me this really cool bike shop and I know everything about bikes. Too bad I can’t have a steady relationship"- Tom, D. Dearborn, MI

Sorry, Tom, you never asked for irresistability to all women. Next eternity, ask for that in the contract.

" I have the ability to build lots of really cool-looking things, but they all fall apart, with the exception of the thing I sent to Mr. Tibbs"- bunnyman, St. Louis, MO

bunnyman- that’s because you sent it to my SON, Tibbsy. We haven’t made a contract yet, so you can’t blame me.

Call me for your Earthly desires.

*Certain restrictions apply. Note that the contract is unbreachable and irrevocable. Hell isn’t that bad if you’re the devil.

2

Amen brother
.

3

Hey man, I had a steady relationship once for about, well, a while…

I’ve had my cats for years.

4

But you DID sign that contract. Don’t worry, I gave you a highly successful business.

5

When were you going to sign your contract?

6

souldn’t that guy have dropped dead 3 feet AFTER the finish line. Otherwise, you didn’t fulfull your side of the bargain. WHAT’S UP WITH THAT!!!
Aint no way I’m signing nothing, unless I win the darn thing, and I can’t be charged with using PED’s and be disqualified later.

7

Gary neglected to tell this side of the story: he did not read the fine print of the contract. If he would have read it and followed it to the letter, he would have won the race, got lots of women, booze, smoke, and whatever he wanted. He could have had an orgy with Heather Fuhr, Natascha Badmann, Lori Bowden, and whomever else he wanted and could have had an orgasm that lasted twenty minutes. But he was a candyass and did not follow all of the provisions. He did not read the fine print.

Make certain you read the fine print before signing ANYTHING.

When we gonna make a deal, buddy?