Two -funny- jokes

Triathlon Forum
1

This probably belongs in Tibb’s room, but it’ll never get read so here:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor said to him, “When I’m worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. It calms me.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. Nervousness vanishned and he was on a roll.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door from the monsignor:

  1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

The KGB, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best
at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He
releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes
in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all
plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations
they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks
with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the
rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The KGB
goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is
yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

2

This probably belongs in Tibb’s room, but it’ll never get read so here
That would have been a tragedy.