Is it really fair to take so much time away from the family for what is essentially a hobby? To claim that going to races on the weekends, and having them stand around watching me race, is a “vacation” and fun for them? That my hobby and lifestyle is what they should adopt? That I’m really a role model for my kids?
I know what my wife’s answer is.
But just asking?
Honestly I think the answer is, “It depends”.
Is it worth it for a defined period of time where you have an agreement in advance and a long true honest conversation about what it is going to take to pursue and achieve your dream, in the process setting a good example for your kids about goal setting and hard work to see them through? Yes it is worth it.
Sustained year after year after year after year with no real recognition of the hardship it puts the family through? No.
It is a balance and what is the right balance for one family may not be the same right balance for another. A lot depends on the parents work schedules, age of the kids, activities that can be done together, a conscious give and take, waking up early to train “invisible” to the family, and then maybe taking extra days off around the race venue so that post race you get some good family time.
Like I said, it all depends.
"Honestly I think the answer is, ‘It depends’. "
Agreed. The sport fills a different role and need for everyone. The balancing act is finding its appropriate place- like all of the things in our lives. It isn’t so much about triathlons specifically as it is about overall balance in one’s life. When you commit to a huge racing calendar you are commiting to the fact that you need to travel, race, recover, train, travel, race, recover, train… and have time in their for equipment maintenance. That may not leave much time for anything else. That is fine if the primary focus of your life is endurance sports. For a person with a family that degree of focus may not be optimal.
I know what my wife’s answer is.
That’s the opinion that counts. If she ain’t happy, then nobody’s happy.
Seriously, I’d think about where you want to be at the “end” of your life and work backward. What’s more important to you? That you are a great husband and father? A great triathlete? A fat chain smoking couch potato? Think about where you want to end up, and work toward that. If you’re like me (and for your sake I hope not) then you’ll probably find that you want to focus on your wife and family first, but you aren’t helping anyone if you are fat, lazy, and in poor health, so you’ll want to maintain some balance. While my kids were young I didn’t train as much or race often. Now they are getting older, and my oldest son likes to swim and run, and now my wife has taken an interest in biking, so things are much easier. But at the end of the day, keep the wife’s priorities in mind, and hopefully she will do the same for you. Good luck!
Some of my earliest childhood memories involve hanging out at some random playground with my mom while my dad was playing league softball. I generally had a good time on the swing or jungle gym or whatever.
In the long run, I think kids are better off if they don’t grow up with the sense that the universe and their parents’ lives totally revolve around them, and that you take turns supporting each other when they’re doing something important. Dad’s softball league was a spring deal, and by the time summer came around, he was off busy being a timer at my swim meets while mom ran the score table.
I think you have to ask your family what they think? You’re already painting a picture that it’s a detriment. There will be give and take but remember that you will miss workouts, races, etc to spend time with family. That’s not a bad thing at all! The most important thing is to communicate with your family and let them be a part of the decision process on what races you participate. Some races I take the family to. If it means turning races into a mini vacation then so be it! It can actually work very well that way. I hope this helps.
It’s definitely a balancing act, but with creative time management and the right environment it can be done.
For example lunch time runs are great, if you have showers at your workplace. And biking to and from work is awesome. Early morning starts to the weekend long rides and runs are key - get the bulk of the training done before the fam wakes up.
Here’s a reminder, borrowed from Barry Shepley’s newsletter Personal Best:
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door. * * *SON: ‘Daddy, may I ask you a question?’ * DAD: ‘Yeah sure, what it is?’ replied the man. *SON: ‘Daddy, how much do you make an hour?’ * DAD: ‘That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?’ the man said angrily. SON: ‘I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?’ *DAD: ‘If you must know, I make $50 an hour.’ * SON: ‘Oh,’ the little boy replied, with his head down. SON: ‘Daddy, may I please borrow $25?’ The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities. ’ * * The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money? After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door. ‘Are you asleep, son?’ He asked. ‘No daddy, I’m awake,’ replied the boy.
‘I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier’ said the man. ‘It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $25 you asked for.’ * * The little boy sat straight up, smiling. ‘Oh, thank you daddy!’ he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father. * * ‘Why do you want more money if you already have some?’ the father grumbled. ‘Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,’ the little boy replied. ‘Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.’ * * The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. * * It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
Been there…it is much easier to justify (at least in my own mind) 10-15 hours a week training than an extra 10-15 hours a week working overtime at my job however the net effect on time away from family is still quite similar.
What has helped me was to quit keeping a training log as I was starting to feet that I was becoming a slave to it. In reality I know where I need to be come race time without a log. Not keeping a training log has helped me to better fit my training around my family rather than trying to fit my family around my training log. Just a subtle change that has made a big difference.
**To claim that going to races on the weekends, and having them stand around watching me race, is a “vacation” and fun for them? That my hobby and lifestyle is what they should adopt? That I’m really a role model for my kids? **
But it will all be worthwhile for the kids when you pick them up, carry them across the finish line, so they can be in your picture.
Bottom line is it is a very selfish hobby but as others have mentioned it can be managed and does provide a lot of positive role modeling if: everyone agrees to the plan, you make an extra effort to support your family when you are not training/duirng the off season, as much of the training is as invisible as possible and it is not constant every year. For us, an IM every 2-3 years seems like it will work but every year would not…my family appreciates the fact that if they let me train early in the morning on the weekends that I will do whatever anyone else wants to do the rest of the day and enjoy it whole heartedly (for ex. once I have completed my workout I can take my 9 year old daughter to Justice at the mall and look around for an hour…if I was not high on endorphins I would not last 15 minutes). Honestly my wife usually makes the biggest sacrafice during the intense training months as she would like to go out on weekend nights as opposed to me falling asleep on the couch by 8:30pm…our solution is that when this gets on her nerves during a hard training block, I get a free pass to train a little later in the day some weekends and we go out and have some fun…then at the end in the off season I owe everyone big time!!!
When my kids were toddlers, I didn’t do triathlon–I didn’t have the time. But then they got to be a bit bigger, so I started doing sprint-distance events. Then my wife and oldest kid started doing sprints with me, so I moved up to olympic distance. Then my youngest started doing the kids events, and I moved up to half-iron. Now the whole family is into the training thing, and I am doing ironman. I’m happy with how this worked out, but I couldn’t have foreseen it happening this way years ago, when the kids were toddlers.
My 5 yo thinks I run all night because I tuck him in and then go running and when he wakes up I’ve just come home from running. I never thought about it but from his perspective I can see why he would think that.
I wish I knew how to quote (it never works for me) but it’s the “running all night” one that had me ROFL. I am also a Vampire Rider/Runner/Swimmer
I totally think tri’s/endurance and family can be a congruent goal. There is so much positive in it. Don Fink covered the topic real well in his book Be Iron Fit.
I listen to my own moral compass and try to determine how much training is OK. When family members are sick or in need, I don’t train. We have some chronic illnesses in our family so this does in fact happen. That said, the racing is even more essential to not feeling like a martyr/constant caregiver. I don’t always get the luxury of company on my oddly-timed long workouts, and my rides are usually not super scenic. ( I think it was here on ST where I got the idea to ride to a kids’ swim meet and combine goals. ) Certainly no Starbucks or massage after, ever. But I have trained for 3 Irons and at least 7 marathons without hardly anyone noticing me missing. I take the time to teach my kids the rudimentary math, the armchair Exercise Phys, problem solving, travel, and the strategies and all the other fun stuff that goes along with training and racing. it took a few years but now they can follow along…either with the GPS, the calculator, or on their own wheels and legs at this point.
As I mentioned, we do have some issues with health, and my kids do have some physical limitations. It is great that as a benny they have me to show them triathlon, a sport that is friendly to those who want to go at their own pace. I wasn’t planning on this, but it really comes in handy.
I don’t want to drone on. But family + training has been such a blessing. I know I could train harder, pamper myself more, recover and perform better if I demanded more “me-time” from them. But for me, the mutual support is worth the mediocre race times. YMMV
The quote you posted reminds me of a conversation I overheard at work.
This one guy was ALWAYS the first in the office and last out. He is also known for sending work e-mails until late into the evening.
One Monday about a year ago he was telling someone about tucking his kid into bed on Sunday night.
The kid told him,“see you next weekend daddy.”
The guy cut back on his hours at work.
I train early in the mornings so as not to cut into family time. It seems I sacrifice a little sleep to do this.
Agree, the book “Be Iron Fit” by Don Fink has great advice on this.
I gave it up in the mid-80’s for several reasons. I needed to be with my young family. I needed to concentrate on my career. I was afraid of falling off my bike or getting hit when my family needed me so much. So I took several decades off from tri. Realistically I think Oly and sprints would have worked out but I don’t see how I could have balanced family, career and IM training at once. I picked it up again in 2004 at age 46 and now its pretty easy because I have time and fianancial resources. However I am old, sore and slow now so that sucks. I guess the thing to remember is that tri is just a hobby and you should never let a hobby get out of hand at the expense of your family. You only get one shot with your kids - no do overs.
Admittedely, our family is not normal - I am involved in the sport at a number of different levels and my wife races Professionally. My 11 year old son comes to a few races each year - not everyone. He likes hanging out with me if I am doing the race announcing or helping out in another fashion with the media stuff or doing Nineteen promotional work. Also, what other kid can say when he get’s back to school that he was hanging out with Simon Whitfield tossing a football or a Frisbee around after the race!
If their is a kids run my son will run it. Last year we did some sprint tri relays as a family - My wife swam, I cycled and my son ran. We won the Muskoka Sprint Tri Relay!!
If my wife is racing we’ll of course cheer her on as best we can and then we usually go out for a big meal somewhere with friends afterwards.
Fleck, that is cool that your son can join you at work…very cool! My quick answer is that yes, it is selfish, but on the balance it works for our family. I was out racing all morning then came home whipped up am omlette and rye toast, grabbed a coffee then my son and I were out on XC skis all afternoon as I am coaching his team. Good fun…and how many families get to do a father and son sprint around a 500m XC ski track in 76 and 50 second…we had a blast this afternoon…closed things off with game of touch football on skis…so yes it is selfish, but because of my athletic abilities, I can give opportunities to my family and community that other parents cannot, so I think it balances out. My wife and son, only come to 2 races per year. The rest I do with my friends or solo. I don’t think them hanging around in the sun all day waiting to watch me whip by for 3x10 seconds is a fair request. On that front I totally agree.
Dev