Tom Demerly: December 19, 2002 - March 10, 2005

Triathlon Forum
1

Having not posted since March 10, 2005, I believe it is fair to conclude that My Friend, Tom Demerly, can be declared legally dead. Either that or Mr. Tibbs finally pedaled all the way to Dearborn, and he and Tom have headed out to LA to start an Aids Awareness Program.

I am proud to say that Tom Demerly and I called each other “Friend”. Not “Friend” in the sense that we were friends, but “Friend” in the sense that we didn’t even know each other, and yet, somehow, didn’t really understand or care much for each other, either. As in when you say “Have a Merry Christmas, my Friend” to someone who works in your building who you might want to have think of you as a vessel of great good will even though you ignore him the other 365 days a year. As in saying “That’s Huge, my Friend” to a complete stranger, when something is truly pedestrian.

Yes, most of you simply knew Tom as an uncomplicated man, quite simple, in fact, the Ultimate Bachelor, Triathlete Soldier of Fortune, Luster after No-Talent Underage Female Singers, and FIST bike fitter, but did you know that before Tom discovered Allen Wrenches and the perverse pleasure of touching women’s private parts with greasy fingernails, he led a very colorful life: He was the Personal Nutritionist for Mama Cass and Karen Carpenter, he baby sat for Eric Clapton, he did Alcohol and Drug Counselling for Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and John Belushi, he was Natalie Woods’ personal swim coach. He did the final O-ring check on the Challenger Space Shuttle and was responsible for the developing the United State’s Immigration “Don’t Know-Don’t Care” policy along the Mexican border.

When I think of you, Friend Tom, I will always remember how you finally realized your life’s dream of knowing that someone else flew around the world using an auto-pilot, non-stop, whilst napping in a bath tub, occasionally suffering from a headache.

Perhaps some of you would like to place your personal reminiscences here. Perhaps this will help you to move on, to help you cope with your grief. But meanwhile:

Tom–here’s to you My Friend:

http://img4.exs.cx/img4/4360/demerly39wb.jpg

2

Add to it that he was a relationship counselor to Brad and Jennifer, Demi and Bruce, Trista and Ryan, and my first wife and I. I haven’t called him for this marriage, but when I get tired of her, I most CERTAINLY will.

3

Tom seems like a good guy.

But you, sir, are a very very very funny guy. Thanks for the abdomen workout and for a great laugh.

4

Aw crap, who’s gonna tune my bike? this SUCKS (slowtwitch word of the day)

5

Now that’s quite an obituary. :slight_smile:

6

We gotta bump this for Tom when he gets back. You guys do realize he is in georgia for that camp with frankie right?

7

You mean “if” he gets back. Maybe the camp really will kill him. :slight_smile:

8

Ex army ranger…nuff said
.

9

As Tom’s secret mistress, I can now come clean and admit to our sultry online affair. He promised one day to make me the future ex-Mrs. Demerly. (sniff) Now…I’ll never get to wear that diamond ring and bridal trousseau he promised to give me one day when we could proclaim our love publically. We could never speak of our love for fear that his following on Slowtwitch and at Bike Sports would be damaged. (sob) So many men hung on his every word, seeing him as the ultimate bachelor, a solider of fortune, James Bond in real life. So many women dreamed of him, fantasized of being with him and his cats. I was the lucky one to call him mine. (wimper). Tom, I’ll never forget you nor betray our sacred love.

What?..he forgot to name me sole heir to his empire of bikes, guns and cats. Bastard.

10

With news of Tom’s demise, I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders and can finally speak of the dark secret that Slowtwitchers never quite realised. For the truth is that I am the illegitimate son of Tom Demerly. Many people do not realise that in fact Tom was born to landed gentry in the Carolinas at a time that it was acceptable to have white slaves.

Tom and my mother, his governess, entered into a tryst at a very young age. IN fact Tom is 50 years old and becme a father at the age of 10! Due to the shame that the family faced I was packed off to England never to be able to return until recently. The “strange” trips to Dearborn under the guise of bike fits raised some eyebrows and suspicions which were dealt with under the suggestion of independent wealth and a deteriorating back.

I can now reveal the truth and stake my claim to the Bikesport empire.

God bless you, Pa.

11

You promised me you would never breath a word of being my and Tom’s love child. Why, Why, Why have you forsaken your mother! We were so ashamed, we were only children ourselves, and had hoped that the expanse of the Atlantic Ocean would erase that so painful memory. Stay in England, there is nothing for you in Deerborn but a box of kittylitter and some unreturned rented Chick Flicks. Move forward with the life we carved for you there, leave me to drown in my tears and to die of a broken heart. (violin music swells, picture fades away)

12

Never contact me again. You abused your position as Father’s governess and at a time that he was particularly vulnerable. Little wonder that you were sent to your current position in the outpost that was known then as the Sandwich Isles. I hope that you found some peace of mind with the missionaries and not just their position you seemed to be so fond of!

Don’t even think of claiming the estate of my father, there is not a court in the land that would find in your favour after taking advantage of a 10 year old child as you did! I am his flesh and blood, however if you ever need a sweet deal on a P3…

13

…how fitting thus, to remember his name as another dead poet on the back of our Peaceful tribe apparel…

14

OMG!

I finally figured it out - Football Mom is Kate Winslet!

You were great in Titanic.

15

I think I hear bagpipes in the distance play amazing grace. Shit, I’m gunna cry.

16

on another forum I visit, roadbikereview, one well-known and liked poster and one online bike store owner (Gary Hobbs) also known to us died. I nearly freaked when I saw the title. I am very, very glad that this was just your sick sense of humor - mine is similarly sick under better conditions.

17

You guys are too much.

:slight_smile:
Trae

18

Finally, a cross cultural, twisted, thread that only the spawn of Monty Python and Woody Allen would be proud to claim.

It will make my 40K TT seem painless in comparison…
Thanks, this is very funny.
Jay

19

“Finally, a cross cultural, twisted, thread that only the spawn of Monty Python and Woody Allen would be proud to claim.”

Bring out your dead, Bring out your dead…I’m not dead yet, I’m felling betta!

20

“You’ll be dead in a few hours…”

Now you just have to watch out for the Coroner bringing the wooden club down on your head to take care of it now!