After years of racing IM I have seen to many people choose IM over their spouses/relationships. Yet again just this weekend I went out for a ride with a friend who is racing IMC and is on the rocks in his relationship.
We always here how well education and wealthy triathletes are in general but what of the dark side of racing IM? Skip the drugs, who cares about your “carbon” addiction. What about your ability to hold down a healthy relationship.
So what is the divorce rate among IM athletes?
I think to many people rather win alone then be a MOP’er and have someone to celebrate with at the finish line.
Is it because of the racing itself or is it because we’re talking about a highly-motivated, highly-demanding, self-focused, extreme type A group of people (to be fair, I am including myself in there)?
In other words, I’m not sure racing and training for IMs is the real problem…
I tend to agree with austin79 (and I’ve been married for 14 years). Yes, IM is hard - but people who do them (I use the word plural, not just do one to check off a life list and move on - nothing wrong with that either, in fact, I WISH that were me). However, these type-A people (me/us) would just find something else to drive a wedge/obsess over (work, golf, flying, boats, etc.) and the relationship would still be on the rocks.
Actually, I find that most of my IM brethren are acutely aware of the serious family constraints/time commitments vs. my golfing buddies who haven’t a clue. I’m not saying they are any “better” in their relationships, but at least they are aware - and most do try to make their training as invisible to their families as possible (I’ve gotten pretty good at it actually).
It’s the obsessive behavior that’s the root of it. When I met my wife, I was a pro bodyboarder, and she was moving her way up the sport. For many years, we were full-time pros traveling together, practicing together, doing the same competitions, etc. When not doing this, when we were at home, I was waking us both up at dawn to go for a surf and find local photographers to work with. Obsessive, but fortunately, she was along for the ride. Then, after we retired, I continued to surf every day (and still do!) and she started to get annoyed that I was still just as obsessed with it. So, she turned to running and trained for a marathon, which inspired me to take up triathlon as a way to do this “new” obsession that we could share together now that she didn’t like surfing every day any more. And now, wouldn’t you know it, she got sort of burned out on that too, and I’m just as obsessed about training/racing/IM as I was about surfing every day. So, now I have two obsessions and she has none! It’s frustrating to me that she can’t understand my passion for these things, when she used to be right there with me. She tends to compare me with the other neighborhood dads that spend every waking moment with their families, while forgetting the fact that the ONLY time I am NOT with her and my daughter are when I’m surfing and training (4 hours MAX per day). The rest of the day, we work together in our office and our daughter is with us there (she’s only 4). Okay, I’m venting, but the point is, I can see how the obsession with training/racing can cause friction in a marriage!
It’s the obsessive behavior that’s the root of it. When I met my wife, I was a pro bodyboarder, and she was moving her way up the sport. For many years, we were full-time pros traveling together, practicing together, doing the same competitions, etc. When not doing this, when we were at home, I was waking us both up at dawn to go for a surf and find local photographers to work with. Obsessive, but fortunately, she was along for the ride. Then, after we retired, I continued to surf every day (and still do!) and she started to get annoyed that I was still just as obsessed with it. So, she turned to running and trained for a marathon, which inspired me to take up triathlon as a way to do this “new” obsession that we could share together now that she didn’t like surfing every day any more. And now, wouldn’t you know it, she got sort of burned out on that too, and I’m just as obsessed about training/racing/IM as I was about surfing every day. So, now I have two obsessions and she has none! It’s frustrating to me that she can’t understand my passion for these things, when she used to be right there with me. She tends to compare me with the other neighborhood dads that spend every waking moment with their families, while forgetting the fact that the ONLY time I am NOT with her and my daughter are when I’m surfing and training (4 hours MAX per day). The rest of the day, we work together in our office and our daughter is with us there (she’s only 4). Okay, I’m venting, but the point is, I can see how the obsession with training/racing can cause friction in a marriage!
That is sad. When you figure out women, please notify me!
I’ve been married for 15 years and doing IMs for 6. My wife actually gets upset when women ask “How can you let him spend all that time doing that stuff?” She is very supportive and agrees that it strengthens our family life. Besides “Myth Busters” with my son, I don’t watch a lot of TV; my strongest drink is a Dopio, and the only women I chase are the pros - during the last miles of an IM. Admittedly though, I am much less obsessive now than when I started -about the training, not the Espresso…
Ironman training doesn’t ‘cause’ divorce. But it may expose the character/relationship issues that need to be taken care of. Issues that probably are higher on that priority list than our delusion of missing our hill repeats might cause us to fail on raceday. I’ve noticed when I keep the priorities straight, my family side is great and my training is enjoyable and burden-free. This topic requires much more time than we can give it on this thread.
Yes… I have had my turn in therapy. And glad I did!
Let’s be fair. How many people were driven to Ironman by a divorce? I bet that is a statistic that might be more interesting. I know of countless recreational athletes that decided to take a hobby to the next level after a troubled relationship. It is cheaper than therapy.
Funny that this thread pops up just after my g/f has a go at me for not spending enough time together and doing “couple things.”
My solution to her problem was that she takes up training for HIM/IM and train with me LOL. Simple innit…i wish!
I’m doing something that I love and have goals and aspirations in the sporting arena. Could this be the time to end an 8yr relationship with someone who I love but who won’t support or accept my dreams and goals?
Maybe Ironman training is not the cause. Perhaps many people train for Ironman races to get away from their spouses. If it was not for Ironman training, it would likely be something else.
Actually, when I am at races, I have noticed a lot o nice families. It seems like triathletes are very nice to their spouse and kids. On the surface, the families at races seem more well adjusted that what you see out there in the general public.
It could be worse. We could be golfing, or hunting and fishing, or fanatical college sports fans, or one of those other hobbies no one points fingers at.
The divorce rate i suspect is similiar to the general population, maybe lower since we are dealing with a much smaller sub set of the general population.
But IM doesn’t cause divorce, getting married in the first place is the reason why two people get divorce. All IM does is give one or the other an out when the relationship hits the rocks and neither party is willing to try and figure out the reasons why then try to work through them.
What rroof said.
I am a competitive, driven type a person, my wife is not. We have been together for 7 years, married now for 3-1/2. If I am into something I am ‘into’ it, no half assed. It was flying for a while, then skydiving, then got really into golf. The last two years I’ve gotten back into swimming and biking after a 17 year hiatus and this led into triathlons.
My wife is content just hanging out most of the time, I am not. For her, a good time is a family get together or big picnic with friends and families where the most activity you will see is a game of horse shoes. Whenever she tells me we are going to one of these and I ask what there is ‘to do’ she always wonders why you have to ‘do’ anything.
For us, we have just learned to live and cope. We learned a while ago that we were probably headed for a split up if we tried for instance playing in a couples golf league. She was there for fun, I was there for fun and to win the league. Made for some interesting evenings.
So I think it is more a clash of personalities then the fact that I now do Tri’s, as if I wasn’t doing this I"m sure I would find something else to occupy my time.
I agree. While IM training can be obsessive, I’ve seen far more divorces caused by people’s obsession with work - particularly in the field that I am currently exiting - management consulting.
I tend to agree with austin79 (and I’ve been married for 14 years). Yes, IM is hard - but people who do them (I use the word plural, not just do one to check off a life list and move on - nothing wrong with that either, in fact, I WISH that were me). However, these type-A people (me/us) would just find something else to drive a wedge/obsess over (work, golf, flying, boats, etc.) and the relationship would still be on the rocks.
Actually, I find that most of my IM brethren are acutely aware of the serious family constraints/time commitments vs. my golfing buddies who haven’t a clue. I’m not saying they are any “better” in their relationships, but at least they are aware - and most do try to make their training as invisible to their families as possible (I’ve gotten pretty good at it actually).
Very true - my wife and I are acutely aware of this fact. We’ve had the conversation about how the both of us sometimes ignore our relationship in order to do “IM”, but we both know that I/we would only focus on something else if we stopped. So we both accept we need to remind each other to work on the relationship - and do Tri’s which we not only enjoy, but are generally healthy.
rroof and baxnelly sound pretty similar to my situation and thoughts. Its my focus and goal-driven psyche that can cause friction; IM and triathlon is just a manifestation. I’ll be the same way when I head to school, and with any other endeavor I choose. Its just me.
My wife is very laid back, and grew up in a very “type-B” culture (Panama). She’s changed quite a bit in our almost 6 years of marriage, and I think I have too- you have to pick your battles/stuff to obsess over. Even in the past week, she asked why I have this desire to find hard things to do, and not just take it easy. In the end, I couldn’t say WHY, only that something seemed worth it if you had to work for it- you could hand me a million dollars, but I’d rather earn $1000.
I’m at the “prove it” point right now with IM- I’ve told her that the 7-hour workouts would come to an end, and that I would scale back this winter. She’s skeptical, b/c she knows me. So now I have to prove it. Luckily, her birthday is this week, so I plan on going big.
“Actually, when I am at races, I have noticed a lot o nice families. It seems like triathletes are very nice to their spouse and kids. On the surface, the families at races seem more well adjusted that what you see out there in the general public.”
Very true. And what about the families you DON’T see at the races? The triathletes that are there alone while the family is at home?
