That damn fence...and what does greener grass look like?

Triathlon Forum
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Jesus man! You make me want to go to my garage, start the car, turn on some Zep and slowly drift away while being wrapped in the warm embrace of a bottle of JD. You alright?

It’s out there man - you just gotta find it. And once you do, you need to grab it by the horns without worrying about regret. What you feel now (from indecision) is regret.

Luckily - I found that person - I’m (hopefully) quitting my job, GETTING a dog, and moving to a far off place. It’s there man - and it always hits you when you don’t expect it.

Cheer up - life is a gift, it’s too short to wollow in misery.

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With that said, I hope everything works out for you.

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Two questions: If this is THE ONE, why are you with someone else? If this is THE ONE, why would you STAY with someone else?

There must be something you neglected to put in your posting. Perhaps… she doesn’t feel that you are THE ONE? I just don’t get it.

If you both have THE FEELINGS for each other, then I don’t see the problem. You’ve already said she’s the one who makes you want to quit your job, sell the dog and move to a far off place (is California a far off place for you?).

If it’s one-sided, then you need to move on (I know… easier said than done). Been there before, brother… Thank goodness I met and managed to avoid scaring off THE ONE.

5

I know this sounds corny in a Doctor Phil sorta way, but the grass is as green as you make it. You need to find out if the person moving to California is “the one” (btw, CA isn’t so far, and we’re really not as crazy is we’re made out to be), but regardless you need to take stock of your relationship with your current girlfriend. The status quo is always comfortable, but not necessarily what we need. If you decide it’s not the long-term solution, don’t wait for something better to come along before you move on. It’s not fair to either of you.

BTW- having re-read the last two sentences I just typed, I had to laugh out loud because it just described my work situation. I guess I better give myself a kick in the ass and polish off the ol’ resume. Good luck.

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Well, I don’t know anything about you, except that you REALLY like Campy gear, but I’ll throw in my two cents(feel free to throw it back out.)

If you and your current girlfriend/mate are truly that unhappy, then you should move on. 13 years and no marriage, kids, etc? Is it because neither of you are into that, or because one or both of you are waiting for something? Or do you keep spending your rent money on Record sprockets? ;p

I was in a very unhappy marriage for quite a long time, and wasted most of my twenties trying to fix something that was doomed to failure. (It’s amazing the amount of misery we tolerate when we think that there is no alternative.) I actually met a few women who were interested in me in a big way while I was married, but I stayed faithful to my wife at the time.

When things finally fell apart, it took me a long time to get my act together. But I eventually met, and successfully didn’t scare away, my current, and last, bride. After 8 years together, I still consider every day to be a blessing, but still, all relationships take a lot of work to keep them interesting.

So now that you know where I’m coming from, let me point the burning light of scrutiny back on you.

Does this girl like you as much as you like her? Is it like, lust, or love? Are you prepared to deal with the responsibility of tearing down your current life and the effect that will have on your current girlfriend?

Finally, if things don’t work out between you and the new girl, what will you do?

I don’t mean to be too much of a realist, and I hate to rain on your parade, but at the end of the day, a solid friendship is the foundation that all successful long term relationships are based on. If you’re just Jonesin’ for some strange, you don’t have to travel for that.

FULL DISCLOSURE: A few years after I divorced my first wife, and before I met my last, I did have a go at a relationship with one of the women I told you about before. It didn’t work at all. We were in completely different places by then, and now we no longer keep in touch with one another.(We had been REALLY good friends.) On the other hand, my wife was in a 4 year relationship(living with the guy) that was basically dead when we met, and she dropped him like a hot potato when I told her I was interested. I knew she was the one the second I met her, and she says the same thing, well, once I shaved my moustache, anyway.

I guess the moral of the story is “You pays your money and you takes your chances.” Also, I’m not nearly as helpful as I try to be. But I am honest.

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First off, I am the last person who should be offering relationship advice. My personal life has been a f*%@ing trainwreck for two years. Now it is OK since I am heavily therapized, formerly medicated and I am single. When I go home at night, I have my cats, my friends, my books… And Peace. And for the first time in my life in two years, I know what my life will be like. Calm. Serene. Peaceful. No shitty surprises, no materialistic, ladder climbing, “I want what they have” conspicuous consumption deadline crap. No ultimatums. No being forced into doing something. Those things have nothing to do with love. Now I have only peace, tranquility and security.

I once asked a happily married employee of mine what his marriage meant to him. He said he would think about it, that it was a profound question. I was having relationship problems and was seeking his counsel. He went home and asked his wife, “Tom was asking what my marriage means to me, what does it mean to you?” She answered “Tranquility”. A perfect answer. Something I haven’t had in years. I still hung in there with the relationship I was in. Like the stupid, romantic dreamer that I am I bought into all the things the relationship counselor told me: That my relationship would “heal our childhood wounds”. Shit, what a joke, it wound up giving me wounds so deep and serious I had to pour pills in them just to function. Silly me. I dashed my entire life on the rocks of another person’s false love and false promises: And they betrayed me at the worst time in my life.

So, is the grass greener? In 42 years and three serious girlfriends- only one of which I still speak to (she’s happily married now) I am inclined to say it is not. Like the Cheryl Crow song goes, “It’s not getting what you want, it’s wanting what you have…” Look at the person you are with. Remember why you fell in love with them. Think about having them there when you are old and dumpy. Think about your friendship with them. Think about THEIR dreams and feelings too. Realize that it is easy to find somebody new (and it is, some of them are pretty nice too- some really nice) but someday you just have to say “Stop the train I want off.” You find somebody you love who loves you and you just stop. You see that face every morning and every night. You know them, you grow together, they become an extension of you and you of them. That is something to treasure and not cast away for a better butt or a better set of boobs. In 42 years I have lived the life of four normal people. I have seen the utter worst the human race is capable of, and the absolute best. I have been so incredibly privleged to lead a life or relative opulence and freedom and seen the world in all its corners. I have seen sunsets and sunrises from the Sahara to Antarctica. I have seen freedom granted and life taken. And I have never seen anything as powerful or valuable as love. Without love we are destitute. Without love we are not entirely worthless, but we are worth so much less. And also, once you have tasted it you are absolutely condemned. Condemned to finding it again. Have you ever seen the movie “Titanic”? It is a reasonable microcosm of love. Down and out guy meets hot chick, loves her, she finally loves him for a minute or two, he makes some nice pictures of her, she lets him freeze to death. She remembers him well. But he is dead. She took the life from him. Ever see the scene where Leonardo is holding Kate Winslett at the bow of the ship? He is giving her the greatest gift love has: New promise, new expereinces- a new world. She is flying. He gave her that gift, she would not have been on the bow without him to hold her there. And she still let him freeze to death even after he saved her life, and she his. That, my friend, is how it goes. Love can keep giving those things, just like on your first date. You just have to keep putting in. You can’t ever stop putting in. Once you do it will begin to die.

Don’t know quite what to tell you dude, but I’d keep the one you’ve got based on what you’ve said. The grass might look greener, but some days of the week it does. Trust me. I hopped the fence once and tried it. It wasn’t that nice. And you can never hop back over.

Best of luck. Don’t give up on love. It’s what we all live for. Love of something or someone.

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Dude, sounds like you need to climb on your bike, go for a long ride and do some serious thinking about things. I’ve been there, done that, but my past experience would be irrelevant to your situation. In the end you are the one that has to make the choice. Let’s hope it’s the right one. Best of luck which ever way you go.

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cerveloguy’s advice might be better. It’s shorter too.

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Are you really in love with someone that is moving with so little reason. I have lived all over the USA and there are no magical anwsers anywhere except inside each person. If you are not happy in your current situation get out and hang out for a while, keep in touch with the hot chick in CA (she is hot right?) and see what it looks like 3 or 4 months from now. Above all quit your pissing and moaning, get drunk hit on some chicks and take a long ride.

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I am not sure that she feels what I feel - but the fact that we spend almost every waking moment with eachother I would presume is an indicator. She knows I have been with my mate for years and years…she recently broke up with her long time boyfriend…and is looking for something new. She had said to me that she thought that there is no way I would ever leave my current situation. The reason she is leaving is because her best friend moved to CA to be with her Navy husband…and misery loves company. Sometimes we can feel so lost…I sure wish I could ride (I have a broken foot).

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“The grass may look greener, but it always does that when i put on my orange sunglasses.”

Unless you are absolutely sure that what you have is much much worse than what you are going for, i would say dont waste it.

I spent the past 6 months of my last relationship looking at “potentials”, instead of focusing on the great relationship that i had (2.5 years). Doing so, i pissed away a great relationship, and now im left with nothing. The “potentials” are gone, and so is the girl that i was in love with. She found a better guy after we broke up and is happy, i ended up with nothing

I currently have a friend who is in the same boat as you. Ditch the good for the great? Its up to you, but there is always risk associated with it. How do you know you will be happier?

I think you should look at the relationship that you are in currently. Why are you in it? Do you love the person you are with? What will walking out on them mean to you? mean to them? You definitly want yourself to be happy, but at what cost to those that you love?

Its definitly a personal decision, and i dont want to influence you at all. all i would say is to look at your current situation…closely. Figure out the risks associated with your course of action. and above all, dont do anything impulsive. Many people act impulsively when they are depressed/whatever, and often regret that decision after the fact.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. And shit, that sucks about your foot.

oh, and as jon said, DONT LET THE LITTLE HEAD THINK FOR THE BIG HEAD, you’ll end up screwing yourself!

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ding ding ding (warning bells, not wedding bells), danger danger danger and here is the reason why

“she recently broke up with her long time boyfriend…and is looking for something new”
She could have just grabbed onto you from the free throw that just missed. Been there as that basketball. Dumped the 2 years of great times with a pretty good female for “the one”. Things were great, wonderful blissful for about 3 months. Those cute habits were then slowly and suddenly grating on my every nerve. I actually hid under the bed, twice, when she came over for a nooner. Yes I like sex but I just couldn’t bear the thought of another afternoon with her. Took another month to get out of the trap that “The One” became.
Someone who is lonely, sad that they just broke up etc thinks the next one is great b/c it gives them happiness and hope.
Case #2. I had a company come after me very strongly. After interviewing and finally accepting the job, 76 onths later I really really really really miss my old company and regret my decision. Do I like the bigger paycheck and the guarentees of 7-8% raises + a merit raise each of the next 2 years, hell yeah. Do I wake up wanting to go to work? Not anymore.
Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but the cost of the water is higher also.
You need to think about if your willing to pay the higher bill.
You have a decision with lifestlye altering consequences before you. I wish you the best of luck

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Post a picture of each of the ladies in question then I shall point you in the right direction,
.

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Others have said it, but it bears repeating. If you’ve been with your girl for 13 years and you are not married, then she may not be the “right” one for you. However, if you’ve been with her for 13 years and are still not married, are you the right one? Time to get serious and ask yourself what you are doing.

Sure, go to CA. You might have some fun, might not but either way in 13 years you’ll be back asking the same question.

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Don’t be with the one you can live with, be with the one you CAN’T live without…if you are staying with the 13 year relationship in part because breaking up after all that time will be unpleasant, think how much more unpleasant it will be after 23 years…good luck.

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There seems to be a ton of advice here. Everyone makes sense in some form or the other. Personally, I understand EXACTLY what you are going through. I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years. We recently decided that it would be wise to take a break. During our whole relationship, we never did that. There is a huge comfort factor involved, no doubt. But in the end, after 5 years, I still have hesitation to pitch tent to this women. I am not sure if it is my own personal issues, or if deep down, I really do know that she’s not the right one for me. I guess if she was, I wouldn’t be doubting it or having thoughts about moving on.

I’ve thought about settling but that just doesn’t appeall to me. What is troubling is that I know my girlfriend or shall I say x loves with with all of her heart and soul and again, I am not sure if I can recripricate those feelings on the same level as her. This is the hardest thign to accept. I’ve been there. I’ve loved deeply and have been burnt. In fact, I am not even sure that I would EVER find a women who cares and loves me as she does. We’ve invested time and emotions with one another. Although we’ve been with each other for 5 years, there has been no wasted time. She is the most giving, loving, sweet and generous person that I know. But is she right for me? I don’t know. Possibly. But I still have hesitation and doubts.

2 things I would say…#1. Don’t jump ship just yet on this women. As emotionally draining as it always is, take the time, be a man and fill her in with your thoughts. Maybe it’s time for a couple of months away from each other. At least you have training that can occupy yourself. Give yourself time to absorb and make sense out of all your emotions. This is what I am doing. #2. Don’t setttle. If the passion has completely burnt out, the break may re kindle that flame. But if not, at leasst you will know. And it will be better for everyone.

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The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side - until you get there and find out it is ASTRO TURF!!

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#2. Don’t setttle. If the passion has completely burnt out, the break may re kindle that flame. But if not, at leasst you will know. And it will be better for everyone.<<

Amen Graz.

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Don’t I remember some posts last year on the old forum where you were suffering from brain tumors and were dying? From what I remember, it sounded pretty terminal and you were in a pretty bad place emotionally. You sounded really bad, and you didn’t post for a while thereafter, and some of us were afraid you had not made it. Thankfully (I assume) you conquered that, but more importantly if you’ve had this girlfriend for 13 years, that means that she stayed by your side throughout your darkest hours. That probably speaks alot about her feelings about you. Don’t ignore that because many people don’t get that from a mate.

I’d say your grass was looking pretty damn fertilized and green!!!

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Don’t I remember some posts last year on the old forum where you were suffering from brain tumors and were dying? From what I remember, it sounded pretty terminal and you were in a pretty bad place emotionally. You sounded really bad, and you didn’t post for a while thereafter, and some of us were afraid you had not made it. Thankfully (I assume) you conquered that, but more importantly if you’ve had this girlfriend for 13 years, that means that she stayed by your side throughout your darkest hours. That probably speaks alot about her feelings about you. Don’t ignore that because many people don’t get that from a mate.

I’d say your grass was looking pretty damn fertilized and green!!!

Yes, that is me. That is most of the reason that I dont just get up and make a go at door #2. I do not think that it would be fair for me to subject a person that I care allot about - to the emotional roller coaster of neurological disorders and surgical procedures. It is not easy to have people that you care a great deal about worry 24x7 about how you are doing - when it is hard enough to handle it yourself. No need to have others suffer too. Granted, my current was with me most of the times in my inpatient trips to the hospital…what is diffrent is I would ask her to leave…and she would. With the other, I would ask her to leave…and she wouldnt.

Medically, I am no better off today than I was when I first had seizueres last November. The diffrence is I am not taking Dilantin, Keppra, Neurontin and the other drugs they had me on. I am doing my best to ignore any issues for as long as I can…with out the drugs clouding everything I have a much greater respect for what is going on around me. On the drugs, I would forget I took them, take them again, forget, take them again…I even would forget my dogs name after 900mg of Dilantin. I would get lost going to the bathroom and once just went out and pee’ed in the yard (so I am told). I quit the drugs cold turkey and decided that with out them I have a great QUALITY of life…if I am going to lose QUANTITY of life…I am okay with that.