Why does a storke stand on one leg?
Because it would fall down if it pulled its leg up.
knock, knock
Who’s there?
Interupting Pirate
Interupting Pir-
arggghhhh.
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his pants.
Bartender asks, “what’s with the steering wheel?”
Pirate says, “Argghh. This thing is drivin’ me nuts.”
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his pants.
Bartender asks, “what’s with the steering wheel?”
Pirate says, “Argghh. This thing is drivin’ me nuts.”
A quick story about this joke. A guy was trying to tell it at work a couple of years ago, but instead of saying, “This think is drivin’ me nuts,” he kept saying, “This think is drivin’ me BALLS!” None of us knew what the heck he was talking about. Finally, we got it and laughed our a----- off, not at the joke…at the guy telling it. Even after we pointed it out, he couldn’t tell it right.
Years later, we still say, “Drivin’ me balls!” (in pirate talk) every time he walks into a room.
Bernie
Q: What do you call a broken gecko?
A: A reptile dysfunction!
A newly married couple dressed in wedding gown and tuxedo walk into their honeymoon hotel. The manager at the front desk says to the groom, “Congratulations! You must have just gotten married. I’ll assume you’ll be wanting a bridal then?” To which the groom responds, “Ummm… No. I think I’ll just hold her by the hair until she gets used to it.”
Awesome.
Its late Friday night and a young man is shopping at the grocery store. At checkout he places a frozen pizza, a liter of Pepsi, toilet paper, and a magazine on the counter.
He gets excited that the cashier is a cute young woman and is surprised when she says “You must be single!”
He looks at his purchase, coyly smirks and asks “what ever makes you think that?”
She looks him in the eye and replies “because you’re fucking ugly”
Q: What sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
A man is sitting in his doctors office because he hasent felt very good for a few weeks. The Doctor walks in, sit down and says “I’m sorry, you have cancer. You dont have very long to live”
Astonished, he asks “How long do I have, Doc?”
“Ten” the Doctor replies.
“ten what? months? Weeks? …DAYS?” he asks desperately
“Nine…”
Pirate walks into a bar,bartender said why do you have that steering wheel on your waist?
RRRRR driving me nuts.
What does the blind man say as he walks by a fish market?
Good morning ladies !
An ode to Henny Youngman…
Take my wife – Please.
You have a ready wit. Let me know when it’s ready.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.
I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
…etc…
A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says " Doctor, you’ve gotta help me I think I’m a moth"
Dentist says " You think you’re a moth??, you don’t need a dentist you need a psychiatrist"
Guy says “Yes, I know”
Dentist says “So why did you come to see me?”
Guy says " I couldn’t hlep myself, the light was on"
.
So a guy goes to the local lumber yard and asks them “Can you tell me what kind of wood this is?”. The guy at the counter says “Go see Fred in aisle 5”. So he heads to aisle 5 and the only person there is an old blind guy. He looks a round a few times and then asks the old man, “Do you know the person who can identify wood?”. The old man responds, “That’d be me. What ya got?” Of course the customer is a bit confused as the guy is obviously blind but hands him the wood any way. The old man takes it, smells and says “Yeh that’s maple”. Of course the customer is amazed and says so. He then asks “I have a whole bunch of wood at home I need to know what it is. Can you come over?” The old man agrees to come over after work.
At the guy’s house the customer hands him a piece a wood. The old man smells “That’s pine”, Next one “White Oak”, and on “Redwood”, “Mahogany”. After a while the customer is just immensely impressed. None the less he can’t help but try to trick the guy.
So he brings the guy up to his bedroom where his wife is laying on the bed naked and asks “Can you identify this piece of wood?” He leans over takes a sniff. Stops, ponders, takes another wiff, “Hmmmm interesting, can you turn it over for me?” Sniff, sniff… The customer asks “What can’t figure it out?”. The old man responds “Near as I can tell looks like you got yourself a bathroom door off a tuna boat.”
~Matt
A midget psychic escaped from jail. The next day, the newspaper headline read, “SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!”
A walrus was driving his car across country when it started to overheat. He pulled into a garage and the mechanic agreed to look at it. The walrus decided to wait in the restaraunt next door and have some lunch, followed by some pie ala mode. When he was finished eating, he went back to the garage and asked the mechanic if he had found the problem. The mechanic said, “It looks like you just blew a seal.” The walrus replied, wiping off his whiskers, “No, that’s just some vanilla ice cream.”
Eating the wrong food can affect your health dramatically. What food results in the most suffering for the longest time?
Wedding cake.
A man is walking with with his young son and they come upon 2 dogs humping. The son asks what the dogs are doing and the man replies that they’re making puppies. The boy accepts the answer and they continue their walk…
Later that night, the boy accidently walks in on his parents while they’re making love and asks his dad what’s going on. The dad, a little embarrassed, answers that they’re making a baby sister for the boy. The boy thinks for a minute and then says “turn her over dad, I’d rather have a puppy!”.
A blond is leaving the doctors office. Just as she’s leaving she turns to the doctor and says “remind me again, was it Leo or Sagittarius?” the Doctor replies… “it’s cancer…”
What is the most dangerous part of a male to female sex change operation?
That part when they stick a rod in your brain and drain out half of it.