I’m having a bad day and could use a laugh. Tell me a funny story about something that happened to you or someone you know.
Watch the Colbert video
.
I was sitting in a waiting room of a hospital and it was cold so I asked them if they had a blanket. I was wearing a mid thigh length sweater dress and my legs were cold. I crossed my legs and put the blanket over my legs. As I sat there I was nodding on and off and eventually I just nodded out. I woke up because my legs were cold. And uncrossed.
I looked up to see 5 guys sitting across from me. I turned 15 shades of red and casually bent down and picked up the blanket. OMG!!!
Nova
(this is a true story)
My senior year in college I was taking a class in Human Sexuality (no kidding). It was in a auditorium-type class, and I was in the balcony this particular class. The topic somehow got to the size of the male and how it didn’t affect the pleasure of the female (much). Some clown down below called out “So how big is it?” The female instructor calmly replied “Four to six inches,” to which one heard from below a freaked out female voice blurt out “Forty-six inches?!?”.
A few years back my parents were down in Mazatlan on vacation. My Dad’s routine each morning was pretty simple; wake up, take a book down to the pool area, then leave his stuff on a chair while he went to have breakfast. One morning, following this routine, he was about 45 minutes into a pool side nap when suddenly he had an ‘oh shit’ moment. As he describes it, this is one of those moments when you snap out of a semi-conscious state due to the sudden realization that something is very wrong. In this case the realization was that despite his certainty in being appropriately dressed for the occasion, he had in fact left the hotel room that morning still wearing his tightie-whities, as opposed to his bathing suit.
In high school a bunch of the track team guys were throwing each other out of the locker room back door. It was pretty harmless, naked guys thrown out between the guys locker room and the giirls locker room. I and a few of the other hurdlers made the mistake of throwing out one of the discus throwers. Being the ringleader of this particular toss out earned me a trip out the back door (naked) to the workout area of the gymnastics team where I was dropped between the floor exercise and the horse. Yes, the gymnastics team (girls) were practicing. They, the discus throwers and shot putters, ran back to the gym and pulled the door shut. I ran to the door, Locked, and then had to run around to the front of the building past the drivers ed classes, past the cafeteria, past the wood shop to get into the gym. All those classes were not in session, except for the people working after school, about 200 people. The next day the whole school knew and I ended up being asked about a 100 times how my gymnastics routine went.
This ain’t from real life, and it’s a day late (Halloween story), but maybe it will help:
Three vampires walk in to a bar. All three sit down at a table. The server walks up and asks the first vampire, “What can I get for you, sir?” He answers, “Blood!” She writes it down, turns to the next vampire and asks, “And what can I get for you, sir?” He answers, “Blood!” She writes that down, and turns to the third vampire and asks, “And what can I get for you, sir?” He answers, “Plasma!” She looks at her pad and says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood light.”
I was having the kind of day you appear to be having so I took my dog for a walk to the park. I am sitting down on the lawn with my dog and another dog owner comes by with his dog. Both dogs do the smell routine and then the second dog lifts his leg and squirts me. All I could do was laugh because after this how much worse could it get.
I used to be a beach lifeguard. The beach where I worked was generally pretty mild.
One day a storm blew in a little faster than anyone expected and a young girl drifted further out on her raft than we wanted. I stood up and whistled her in. In her attempt to paddle back, she fell off her raft. The raft blew away from her and she panicked. I ditched my shades and hat, jumped down from the chair, grabbed the torpedo buoy and slung it over my shoulder as I ran into the surf. I took three big strides and dove head first through the first wave with the buoy trailing behind. I had neglected to tie the drawstring on my suit. I continued to swim with my lilly white ass bobbing along behind only slightly obscured by the trailing buoy. I pulled up a few feet from the girl, extended the buoy, calmed her down and pulled her back to the shore. As we got closer, she said she was fine and let go of the buoy. Her mom and dad met her as I waited in the chest deep water for Kathy to bring me my suit which had been retrieved by another swimmer. She said the water was too cold and that I needed to come get my suit. It is a good thing that the water was cold and the buoy was big … Even so, the beachgoers got a good glimpse of my ass and shrinkage as I tried very quickly to put on a wet suit (not easy, especially in public) while strategically balancing the buoy. There was much applause as the red suit finally concealed my bits and pieces. Despite the cold, I think my face stayed as red as my suit for the rest of the day.
A guy I know used to never lock his blackberry keyboard. One night, a bunch of us were out at a bar in San Diego. He met a girl (girl #1), chatted her up for a while, and ended up locking lips with her. He exchanged numbers with her by calling her cell phone.
On the cab ride home, he just railed on and on about how lame she was, how he’d never call her, etc. (Apparently, despite the fact that she taught special ed, she called her kids “retards”, etc… She deserved it…)
About 20 minutes later, his phone started ringing (this was about 3 AM). It was the girl from the bar.
He sent the call to voicemail, then listened to the message.
Apparently, his blackberry had pocket called the girl while we were in the cab (because hers was the last number dialed) and she listened to every word of his monologue about her. The voicemail she left him was rather unappreciative of his manner.
Even funnier, girl #1 had been at the bar with one of her friends (girl #2). Another of my friends (friend #2) ended up going home with girl #2 that night and they were sharing a cab with girl #1. Friend #2 got to witness girl #1’s face as she listened to said monologue.
I am currently driving around with a bag full of used sex toys and I am terrified of getting pulled over or having a wreck and having to explain.
seriously,dont ask
This happened to one of my best friends and college teammate (swimming). The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
I’m not sure if I can give this moment in my life justice but I shall try…
So, about a week ago, I was talking to my project superintendent just outside of my office. We were talking for a bit when he took a sip of water and then quickly started coughing. Assuming that it was simply the water going down the wrong pipe, the thought crossed my mind that it may be something a bit more serious. I stared in silence thinking that he just swallowed his denture. Another second passed and I was thinking, “there is no freaking way he just swallowed his denture”. A couple more seconds passed with him slightly bent over and he looked at me with terror in his eyes and says “I think that I just swallowed my tooth”. I quickly asked if he was alright and once I knew he was fine, the nonstop Johnson belly laughing began.
Now, this was not a full denture but was still way too big to swallow. It basically looked like the roof of a mouth with a single tooth in the front. To make a long story short and with lots of laughing for several days at a man missing his front tooth, he eventually talked to his doctor and the doctor said that the tooth should “pass” at some point. In order to confirm that it passed though, he guy had to dig through each poo and hunt for the poo-covered chicklet. Every time he pooped over the weekend, he dissected his turds in the toilet with 2 forks and his term was that he was making “Poo Stew”. The visual is so gross and funny at the same time.
After 1 day of poop dissection, things got a little more interesting because all movements came to a halt. After 2 days of cloggage, he was starting to get a little nervous. I told him to get to the freaking doctor but he wanted to finish the day first. Several hours later, he came into my office and said that he just took the biggest crap of his life. He said that it felt soooo good but he knew that with big poos comes lots of “stew”. Anticipating that his denture would be in this latest batch of goodness, he told me that he stood up, whipped out his forks, turned around to look at the goods in the bowl and has he was ready to dive in to the bowl, the toilet automatically flushed.
So, to this day, he still has no idea if the denture has passed…
I was giving my 2 1/2 yr old son a bath the other night. Walked out to get his towel and PJ’s while he was in the tub with the water running. I walk back in to find him kneeling in front of the faucet, with this look on his face. He turns to me and says “Daddy look. Penis get big!” My wife heard it and about fainted.
well, as my parents told me … “this tooth shall pass”
Mild applause…well done.
Um, you can’t tell me that and not tell me why. Used sex toys is so wrong.
OK, here is the “funniest thing a patient has ever said to me” story.
I was in the trauma bay when a guy with multiple stab wounds to the back rolls in. He’s not in any acute distress but since his injuries have potential severity there are about 20 people in the room evaluating, getting trauma blood, IV access, etc. My job is airway so I’m at the head of the bed talking to him. In the middle of me asking questions he says:
patient: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
me: “What are you sorry for, sir?”
patient: "I’m musky! And my balls be stinking ‘cause I been screwin’!
I was the only one in the room who heard the second part, and I totally lost it. I think he will always be one of my favorite patients ever! And I wonder who it was that stabbed him in the back…
Jodi
I was giving my 2 1/2 yr old son a bath the other night. Walked out to get his towel and PJ’s while he was in the tub with the water running. I walk back in to find him kneeling in front of the faucet, with this look on his face. He turns to me and says “Daddy look. Penis get big!” My wife heard it and about fainted.
Déjà vu!
When my son was taking a bath at about the same age, he looked down and said, “Daddy look! It’s like a Rocket Ship!” 
I’m just waiting to make a toast at his future wedding to bring it up again…
**Um, you can’t tell me that and not tell me why. **x2
**Used sex toys is so wrong. **Depends on who has used them.
I’m tall.