BarryP’s thread about living beyond your means brought up this side thread that I thought deserved it’s own thread.
I’m curious as to peoples opinion on the “Responsibility” for taking care of their parents.
To me I’m pretty old fashion and think that for the most part I’m responsible for my parents well being if I can at all swing it. I’m just wonder where everyone else stands.
~Matt
Yeah I feel responsible. My mom was pretty great and my dad did the best he could. That being said, my parents are pretty well-off financially. Whatever shortcomings my Dad had, he was pretty good with money and ran a successful business.
What kind of care? Physical care or financial care?
My parents have both retired and have moved into a condo from the house I grew up in. I think that they are financially secure. They’ve never said otherwise.
When I met my current wife I knew that part of being with her would mean looking after/living with her parents. We’ve been married 10+ years and her parents have been living with us the whole time. They are basically independent (now) but pay no rent or utilities and buy very little of their own food. In fact we give them money every week for “watching” our two kids! As they get older (in late 60’s and early 70’s now) we may need to bring in home care to deal with this. We will take care of this without question.
My parents are even older but still live on their own. We have talked with them and my other two siblings that live in the city that there will always be room at one of our houses for them. They are not ready yet to give up their independence. When the time comes that they need help, we will help them as well. I wouldn’t say I have had a great relationship with my parents but still feel it is part of my responsibility to take care of them when they need it.
BB
What kind of care? Physical care or financial care?
To some degree both. Obviously at the point that the care needed is beyond your capability to provide it someone else will have to.
What I’m thinking is that at the point that your parents can no longer cook, clean, grocery shop, do laundry etc for themselves you will probably have to step up and do it for them. Depending on ability you may or may not be able to go further then that. I would guess few can do what a full time trained nurse could or should be doing etc.
~Matt
Let 'em die alone and in poverty. They fooled me about religion and spent my inheritance. So they need to suffer for this…
My parents are even older but still live on their own. We have talked with them and my other two siblings that live in the city that there will always be room at one of our houses for them. They are not ready yet to give up their independence. When the time comes that they need help, we will help them as well. I wouldn’t say I have had a great relationship with my parents but still feel it is part of my responsibility to take care of them when they need it.
Only my mother and my wifes mother are still with us. That being said we are relatively lucky in the sense that we have a “Granny house”. My MIL has lived there for 18 years now. My mother is quite a bit younger, still active and still working despite being in her 70’s. At the the time she needs help we will be there to help her. She has however expressed the “Well I want to live closer to you, not THAT close though” 
~Matt
As I posted in the other thread about helping out parents, the responsibility has been solely mine for 20 years. My father and I have always been close and I am the only offspring who truly cares about his well-being. He is cool but growing into a miser when it comes to food, which makes me think he is regressing. If not for me he would have killed himself from eating processed food. He has his own money but I still take care of everything.
My parents never spent a dime, and as I mentioned in that thread, my dad at 88 years old still makes more than he spends. So they never needed financial help. My mom however suffered from Parkinson’s disease for 25+ years. The last 5 - 10 years we would try to be there as many nights as possible so they weren’t alone. I have three sisters that all live very close by that carried the bulk of the burden. If my dad got to were he needed someone to stay with or come to his house we would do it again.
My mother-in-law is a different story. She divorced my wife’s father around 1980. After that she never actually held a job that paid her above the table. When her parents died she received $250k - $300k. We hoped that this would set her up better for old age. She spent $110k on a house. $25k on a new Camry. $30k for a pickup for her long term live in boyfriend. My wife got a nice coffee mug for Christmas that year and I am pretty sure that is the year I got slipper socks (no, that is not a joke). She ‘retired’ at 52. Not sure what the hell she retired from since she never had a job. She rarely talks to my wife, screens her calls and almost never picks up and won’t return calls. I’m not sure what I would do if she knocked on our door asking for help. We feel no responsibility towards her, just birthing someone doesn’t earn you that right.
My father-in-law has saved all his life and would never ask for help or let you know he needed help so I can’t foresee that coming up.
My mother-in-law is a different story. She divorced my wife’s father around 1980. After that she never actually held a job that paid her above the table. When her parents died she received $250k - $300k. We hoped that this would set her up better for old age. She spent $110k on a house. $25k on a new Camry. $30k for a pickup for her long term live in boyfriend. My wife got a nice coffee mug for Christmas that year and I am pretty sure that is the year I got slipper socks (no, that is not a joke). She ‘retired’ at 52. Not sure what the hell she retired from since she never had a job. She rarely talks to my wife, screens her calls and almost never picks up and won’t return calls. I’m not sure what I would do if she knocked on our door asking for help. We feel no responsibility towards her, just birthing someone doesn’t earn you that right.
She sounds exactly like the type of person that would knock on your door asking for help.
Please regale us with that story when it happens.
I already know that when my parents and my in-laws get to the point where they need help it will be us that end up taking care of them. Fortunately they live about a half mile from each other. My brother and sister who were the “good kids” growning up are morons, brother who has never had a professional job despite a degree from U of Arizona is currently a guest of the Federal Government for 18-24 months; my sister decided to be a realator in Las Vegas right as the market turned upside down her husband has been gambling his paycheck. Mrs. Billabong’s brother has not visited his parents in over 10 years.
Let 'em die alone and in poverty. They fooled me about religion and spent my inheritance. So they need to suffer for this…
I know this was in pink but I often wonder how much this plays into it. If you are the children of parents that basically neglected and abused you I would think you would be far less prone to feeling any level of responsibility for supporting them when they are older. Maybe this is justice.
~Matt
BarryP’s thread about living beyond your means brought up this side thread that I thought deserved it’s own thread.
I’m curious as to peoples opinion on the “Responsibility” for taking care of their parents.
To me I’m pretty old fashion and think that for the most part I’m responsible for my parents well being if I can at all swing it. I’m just wonder where everyone else stands.
~Matt
Good people do the right thing and take care of their parents. “Taking care” could come in the form of money, or time spent or rides to the grocery store…
I do not think we have the responsibility to, but we are planning on taking care of both sides of parents within the next 10-15yrs because they can’t and nobody else is in the position to. Highly likely my wife’s parents are living with us in the next two years and they are in their early 50’s. We’ve had some frank discussions recently with them, we are basically going to be trading help with our kids (grandma will be in-home childcare) for paying all of their living expenses.
Good people do the right thing and take care of their parents. “Taking care” could come in the form of money, or time spent or rides to the grocery store.
That is pretty much my take on it as well. “The right thing” will also be a huge variable and something I tried to hit upon up above.
I think all people deserve a substantive level of living in one way or another. The “Right thing” above and beyond that might very well depend on several things including the childrens ability to provide and the parents level of “Parenting” when the children where young.
I guess what I’m saying is that it would be very hard for me to get over an abusive parent, but it very well might be “The right thing” to do to make sure they aren’t out on the street despite this.
ME personally neither of wifes or my living parents did a very good job financially. It’s kind of a hard pill to swallow knowing that you may be putting your energy and resources into supporting them because they made some pretty poor choices. That’s not nearly as bad as any level of true abuse and neglect and WAY easier to get over to “Do the right thing”.
I guess I find the entire discussion interesting and possibly a little bit of a mirror on the state of our society and possibly even the different cultures in the US. I really would love to see a comparison of US today versus say the EU and other cultures as well as the US and other cultures of say 50-100 years ago.
~Matt
we are basically going to be trading help with our kids (grandma will be in-home childcare) for paying all of their living expenses.
For us my MIL is very helpful in this area, she’s at home with the sick kid right now. As I mentioned she’s in the “Granny house” which is a house 80 feet in front of ours. It’s a blessing and curse at the same time :-)** **She loves to cook as well…and she’s good at it…which is half the reason I’m a fat slob
I’m not sure how we will deal with my mom. She’s stil going and very independant and barring some major health issue will probably be for several years to come.
~Matt
What kind of care? Physical care or financial care?
Brian,
Good question.
I know that I see a lot of possible physical care in my future, but thankfully, my parents are in great financial shape. Probably better off then I’ll ever be!
My parents are long divorced and both remarried many years ago. So now there are 4 of them that we are dealing with! All of them are around 80. All still in decent health, but little things are starting to pile up on the health front.
One thing that is looming on the horizon is the possibly loss of driving licenses which could really crimp the level of independence each couple has.
Responsibility yes, but obligation no. I feel the responsibility to help out if there is a health issue or some temporary assistance but I’m not obligated in a blank check sort of way. My answer is likely colored by a great contrast between the self-reliant and responsible behavior of my parents versus the self destructive behavior of an in-law. I genuinely want to be helpful but there are some people that you can’t help because it only enables them to subsist in a dysfunctional way while devoting less of their time and energy to being a basic functioning adult.
We just lost my MIL 2 months ago so we have my FIL 2 doors away living solo now. He is mid-80’s, financially set but built a life not cultivating friends. So the kind of assistance he needs now is not the easy part (financial) but the hard part (social). He has nobody now and a personality that wont allow him to overcome this.
My parents divorced in the 80’s, were pretty poor then and the divorce made them sub-poor. I help out financially but beyond that I have no idea. It’s too overwhelming to think about. Fortunately I have 5 siblings in the area to share the love!
we are basically going to be trading help with our kids (grandma will be in-home childcare) for paying all of their living expenses.
For us my MIL is very helpful in this area, she’s at home with the sick kid right now. As I mentioned she’s in the “Granny house” which is a house 80 feet in front of ours. It’s a blessing and curse at the same time :-)** **She loves to cook as well…and she’s good at it…which is half the reason I’m a fat slob
I’m not sure how we will deal with my mom. She’s stil going and very independant and barring some major health issue will probably be for several years to come.
~Matt
My MIL is great with the kids, and despite her being insane, I actually very much enjoy my in-laws and don’t think them living with us will be a problem. My own mother makes a good living, but she’s about to be aged out of her industry (not many late 50’s females in IT project management) and she is well aware. Her other job prospects are almost non-existent because she has no education (GED) and next to no experience elsewhere. They are banking on her husband working forever and his teacher’s pension, they have zero savings, are one year into a 30yr mortgage that frankly is above their means, and plenty of other debt (cars, stepfather’s education debt…). No clue what we are going to do with them, but they are going to need help and nobody else can.