Inspired by the pool denizen thread, I started thinking about the local group ride I do every saturday, and wondered if any of these people are on the group rides in your area:
Really fast semi-pro rider who hangs in the back of the peleton much of the time, spinning, but as soon as there is a sprint easily wins without even getting his heartrate above 130.
New cyclist who rides in tennis shoes and gym shorts, but in a few short months gets really good.
Rich, somewhat arrogant dude on a $5,000 bike who thinks he’s the fastest on the ride but is actually sort of slow.
Old guy who’s been doing the group ride for ten years. Rides every day, and could ride all day long.
Guy who always forgets either his food, or his water bottle, or both.
Guy who always lends his extra food to guy who always forgets food.
Triathlete who always goes for the spring too early, pulls everyone, and then looses the sprint – oh wait, thats me.
"* Rich, somewhat arrogant dude on a $5,000 bike who thinks he’s the fastest on the ride but is actually sort of slow. "
How about arrogant rich dude on a Madone 5.9 and full Disco kit, lets call him Lance. Saturday rides are not hammerfests and we usually regroup every 20-30 miles or after hills. We’re all stopped waiting for people to catch back and Lance gets a call on his cell phone. It was his wife and she couldn’t make the hill, flatted or something like that. He told her to go back to their car and come back at X:XX PM and meet him to pick him up and then hangs up. Everybody else can hear the conversation and there were about 20 jaws on the road. He didn’t say anything and just looked down at the ground. After about 15-20 seconds of uncomfortable silence, probably the strongest rider out that day asks him if he’s serious. Lance says yeah, she’ll stop wining once she gets back to the flats. Guy that asked about her took off and rode back to her and then back to her car. He said she had no idea where she was and he was glad he wasn’t Lance.
“* Old guy who’s been doing the group ride for ten years. Rides every day, and could ride all day long.”
And every so often opens up on a sprint at the Tuesday Night Worlds and show us young’uns who’s still fast, even if he’d already done 5 hours that day.
The rider who always causes crashes and rides away unscathed.
The guy who has an endless supply of mucus at his disposal. There is a plethora of noises he can make with this bubbly substance; he is also very creative when it comes to disposing of his tasty treasures. A good snot shower is a sure thing for anyone unfortunate enough to get stuck behind the snot rocketeer.
The slow guy who is always wearing a sweat soaked cotton tee and fully loaded backpack. What the fuck do you carry in that backpack of yours? Do you have bowling league practice right after the ride? One of these times I’m going to take you out just so I can see what you simply cannot live without on a 2 hour ride. And I swear to God you better not be packing bibles and an Amway starter kit.
The guy who has an endless supply of mucus at his disposal. There is a plethora of noises he can make with this bubbly substance; he is also very creative when it comes to disposing of his tasty treasures. A good snot shower is a sure thing for anyone unfortunate enough to get stuck behind the snot rocketeer.
The slow guy who is always wearing a sweat soaked cotton tee and fully loaded backpack. What the fuck do you carry in that backpack of yours? Do you have bowling league practice right after the ride? One of these times I’m going to take you out just so I can see what you simply cannot live without on a 2 hour ride. And I swear to God you better not be packing bibles and an Amway starter kit.
Ok the snot rocketer grossed me out BUT the other guy OMG I have NEVER laughed so hard at at ST post.
*the group of roadies that suddenly attaches themselves to your wheel without announcing that they are there when you are comfortably riding along by yourself
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im going to go with my favorite: the guy who buys two new pair of shoes a year. at least 5 full pro kits a year, full price. full collection of tools and cycling paraphanelia. went to the tour last year, but can’t afford to upgrade to ultegra. you know, the guy who’s clothes cost as much as his bike.
another i enjoy is the chick who will do anything to beat the guys. like she has some sexist point to prove. she sprints from every stop and dogs anyone slower. she really is fast, but noone will give her that respect.
our really old guy here has bright white hair, and a huge full beard. every calls him santa clause, but never to his face. the guy rides every day i think, no matter what the weather is.
i do most of my rides with a few friends so i dont have any personal experiences with wierdo roadies. but every morning on way to work last week i saw a guy who fits that exact description! he is decked out to the max in fancy cycling clothes, a different kit everyday. his cycling technique is atrocious, his knees stick out the side of his bike at a 45 degree angle. He rides a piece of crap bike with no helmet!
The shaved legged guy with the whippet-like body who I only see from behind and mistake for a cute girl. I wonder why nobody is fighting me for the coveted spot behind her/him until the first break where I am shocked and ashamed to discover that I’ve spent the last twenty miles lusting after a lycra-laden man tush.
But the worst part comes after my realization that I’ve been gender fooled and yet I still secure my place behind him in the draft line. Danny, I forgive you for the restraing order; please give me a call some time (when I drove past your house last night my number was still burned in your lawn)! We’ll hook up for a ride or something. Please Danny…
How about the guy who sizes his kit by how much he is planning to weigh next season (its always next season!) rather than the weight he is at now and will be next season! He looks like someone overstuffed a sausage…
The rider who carries everything but the kitchen sink attached to their bike, with a seatbag large enough for a small tailgate party.
The rider who always charges around and opens 3 bike lengths when rotating through in a paceline.
All this makes me glad I only do a handfull of group rides for race specific training each year. Thank God for a powermeter and team mates with similar fitness and goals so I dont feel the need to do those rides any more…
With the weekly “Toronto Donut Ride” occurring every Saturday and Sunday, it can draw more than 100 riders on a pleasant summer weekend. Which in turn has its own cast of characters (I won’t name names, but if you’ve done the ride you know who I’m talking about)…
-Loudmouthed dude on a Scott who LOVES to talk trash about Cervelo’s. He and another guy (that I believe actually works for Cervelo) have gotten into some heated discussions a few times…it was actually pretty funny to watch.
-Older English gent who’s been doing the ride since it started 30+ years ago, and who always sings in the beginning part of the ride: “Fi-diddly-dee, no wife’s the life for me…”
-Couriers who occasionally show up on fixies or mtn bikes…and whip my ass.