I posted some of these items a while back in a thread about a Forum FAQ, but that may have been a little lost in all the Tour De Doping excitement; and I’ve added a few items as well. So… here is my proposed ST Primer for Newbies. Feel free to add your own thoughts, and please do NOT take this too seriously… really.
Dear ST Newbie: Below are some common topics that newbies often ask about. In order to save yourself some aggravation, please review these topics before you post a question. You can also do a search in the forum to get information on a given topic, but the information below consolidates and simplifies things for you. If you can’t find what you are looking for below, and the search does not work… go ahead and post a question. On the best of days, you will get responses that are both clever and helpful. On the worst of days, be prepared for rudeness and elitism that would make The Donald blush. So, here we go, in no particular order:
Bikes
Couple of routes you can go here… Safest bet is to buy the most expensive Cervelo you can afford. Great bikes, and you’ll have the approval of most of the forum crowd. If you want to do more research, there are many other worthwhile alternatives; but who wants do to all that work? If you really want to be a rebel, buy a cheap no-name bike; train real hard; and then post messages about how many Cervelos you passed by on your cheapo bike.
Wheels
See “Bikes” above, and replace “Cervelo” with “Zipp”. Once you see how much Zipp wheels cost, you may be tempted to ask about race wheels that don’t cost $2000. The first thing you are going to get is many, many responses that tell you to suck it up and buy the Zipp wheels, or forever deal with the slowness that will be you on any other wheel. You will also get all sorts of confusing and conflicting information about other wheels such as Hed and Blackwell, and references to terms such as rolling resistance, disc wheels, rim depth, etc.
Save yourself all that aggravation and simply go to your favorite local or online bike store and ask them for the most expensive wheels they have. You will have to decide between “tubular” wheels and “clincher” wheels. This is one of those hotly debated topics that will never be agreed on, and for which there is plenty of fervor with very little hard evidence. Come to think of it, that kind of describes many of the “what should I use/buy?” debates…
Pedals
The absolute best pedals are Speedplays… or Look… or Time… or Shimano… or… whatever. You need to consider things like float, stack height, platform size, and weight. Usually for a mere extra $100-$200 you can save as much weight as if you put 2 less gels on your bike. If you have a friendly bike shop, maybe you can try out some different pedals on a trainer and see what works for you. Alternatively, pick one that you think will work for you and then swear with religious fervor that it is absolutely the only pedal that anybody else should ever buy.
Shoes
Make sure you get “tri” bike shoes, and not those regular roadie shoes. Tri shoes have only one strap, which of course takes much less time than 2 or 3 straps. Seriously, that is helpful, especially if you mount the bike with your shoes already on. Another cost decision to make is if you want to pay the extra money for carbon-soled shoes, which are supposed to provide better “power transfer” and keep you more comfortable on longer bike rides. None of this is as important as finding shoes that match the color of your bike, however.
Socks
Really… socks?!? No real triathlete wears socks to anything shorter than a 1/2 IM. You will do all your training rides without them as well, which saves you all that money in socks, laundry detergent, etc. Some blisters, bloody toes and heels; but all worth it to save you close to 10 seconds on race day that it would take you to put on some rolled up socks.
Getting Faster/How much should I train
Please do not waste anybody’s time asking about improved form, quality workouts, or pushing yourself to your limits and maybe a little beyond during your training. The only REAL answer is to give up your family, job, hobbies, life… and DO MORE. Anything less than 15K of swimming, 200 miles of biking, and 50 miles of running per week just means you are not a serious triathlete. And that’s if you’re doing Olympic distance events…
Also, genetics and natural ability don’t seem to have anything to do with it, so don’t whine about why you can’t run under 6 minute miles like the pros. If you cannot bike 25 mph or run 6 minute miles, it is simply because you are not doing enough. Take the fastest marathoners for example: They run marathons in just over 2 hours. If you are struggling along at some pitiful 3 or 3 1/2 hour pace, just remember it has nothing to do with their build, genetics, or how hard they train - it is because they run more than you. If you’d get off your lazy butt and run as many miles as they do, you could do a 2:15 marathon as well.
What’s considered a fast/good race time
You should only post this type of message if you did ridiculously well in your first race with little or no training. For example: “I only did 4 hours of training per week for my first IM, and finished in 10:30 → is that any good?” If you are asking what is a good race time for YOU, that one just has too many variables to expect any kind of reasonable answer.
How much should I weigh?
Less than you do now. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking.
Drafting
Drafting sucks the life force out of triathlon and is ruining the sport. Everybody that races triathlons drafts and is a dirty low-down cheater… except the people of ST (they are the ones that others are drafting off of). Excuses about too many people in too small a space, camera angles, etc.; will not be tolerated.
ITU Triathons
These are Olympic distance triathlons held world-wide, but in these races bike drafting is legal. This is particularly noticeable in the men’s events, where they ride the 40K bike leg in one or two massive packs, then go thru T2 and actually race a bit on the run.
Ironman triathlons
First of all, the actual Ford Ironman Triathlons are horrid, commercial events that cost too much and only exist to boost the egos of the people that do them. They will soon be going out of business (once they stop selling out in less than an hour, anyway). The truly cool triathlete will do an ironman distance race that is not sponsored by the Evil Empire. There is also a relatively new distance called “One0One” that falls somewhere between half and full ironman distances. It is new, so it is cool. If you did an ironman distance race and did not finish in under 12 hours (male) or 13 hours (female); you are clearly one of those pathetic people that walks the whole marathon and then walks across the finish line with all your kids in tow.
Wetsuits
Wetsuits are for crappy triathlete swimmers that don’t belong in the water with the “real” swimmers. It is almost as bad as the drafters on the bike, and even worse, it’s legal! Next thing you know, people that aren’t that great on the bike will start using money to buy better bikes and wheels and get an unfair advantage over those that can’t afford $5K for a bike and wheels…
Bento Box
This is a small pouch that attaches on your top tube right behind the handlebar post. It weighs a couple of oz and tucks in behind the front post; and you can place gels, etc. into it for easy access during your bike ride. The commonly held opinion is that it completely destroys the aerodynamics of your bike and wastes all the training you have done. It also seems to somehow miraculously make the items you put into it weigh more. Apparently taping gels and sticking food all over your top tube is much more aerodynamic and saves so much weight that you are able to go much, much faster. There was a posting at one time of wind tunnel results that showed the Bento Box improved aerodynamics, but wind tunnel tests are always flawed (unless they prove the point YOU are trying to make).
Your seat is too high. And you have too many spacers. You have achieved the optimal position if you can use your nose as a brake pad.
Weight training
Weight training is useless for endurance athletes. No, wait, it’s very helpful. I’m sorry, I mean that it’s ineffectual. Unless it’s tremendously effective. Except that it does no good. But new n=1 studies are showing…
VO2max
This is a physiological measure of your oxygen utilization. Please note that on Slowtwitch, having a high VO2max may actually be more important that your actual race times. Bear in mind that VO2max is partially a function of weight, so losing as much weight as possible will benefit you. Consider every elective surgery available to you, such as liposuction, appendectomy, and partial or complete amputations. Also consider have your brain removed, as it weighs 2+ pounds, and really, who on Slowtwitch ever actually uses that organ?
thanks for the correction, my apologies for the mistake. I enjoy watching the ITU races, but they of course don’t show too much of the AG athletes. Also, nothing I wrote is intended to be taken too seriously…
People by and large are completey ignorant of the great racing and organization from the ITU, so I take pains to educate whenever possible.
It’s a shame triathlon is so Ironman focused… people would probably be much happier racing short course…
If your neck and shoulders hurt when you are riding in the aero position for more than 15 minutes, it is not because your position is too aggressive, it is because you aren’t in good enough shape to maintain that position. If you can’t breathe when you are in the position that your bike fitter set you to, it’s because you are too fat and need to lose enough weight that your knees touch your rib cage on the upstroke while allowing you to breathe normally.
M-Dot Tattoos
Getting an M-Dot tattoo upon the completion of your 1st Ironman Brand race is the most deeply personal ritual that you can perform in order to signify to yourself that you have accomplished something meaningful that will remain a part of you forever, and is not at all an anticlimactic, egotistic act that serves only to advertise to the world that you are a badass just like all the folks with the skulls and Harley tattoos, except maybe you can run faster than them when not being chased by cops. There is nothing wrong with talking to everyone who doesn’t run screaming about how psyched you are to get Ironman over with so you can get your M-Dot tattoo. Unless I got this one backwards.
Gear (in general)
More expensive gear is always better than less expensive gear…always. Unless it’s this new brand that nobody ever heard of that is just starting out doing custom carbon layups in the garage and selling the parts for less than the cost of materials, in which case, I have a set of wheels for sale. I am still waiting for someone to invent a magnesium ironman-specific bike that bursts into flames and disintegrates after 112 miles, saving you the trouble of re-racking your bike while avoiding gear abandonment penalties(oh, and requiring frequent replacement).
Caffeine
Real triathletes don’t drink anything with caffeine in it. Except on race day, when they slam 5 espressos at the starting line, due to caffeine’s proven ergogenic benefits, and then twitch their way through the swim before taking a long potty break.
Alcohol
Real triathlete’s don’t drink alcohol. (I don’t know any real triathlete’s but I’m sure they’re out there.)
Bottle cages
Do not, under any circumstances, be seen with more than one, or possibly two, bottle cages. The number is dependent on the cost and style of your bike. A $3,000+ tri bike should have only one cage, because you are expected to get all of your hydration needs fulfilled at the aid stations. Having two cages on the frame and an X-Wing or similar will only out you as a newbie at best. At worst, people will talk about you after the race. Their talk will go like this:
“Oh…My…God! Did you see that guy with the four bottle on his bike? And an Aero Bottle?”
“I know! He must have lost at least four minutes on each loop because of all the extra weight.”
“Exactly! I mean, 4 bottles, times 24 ounces, that’s an extra 6 pounds!”
“What a tool! By the way, when he passed me, I saw that he had orange in one and pink in the other.”
" Yeah, I think he’s drinking Accelerade and Cytomax. I’m going to try them next season. The Gatorade leaves me flat after a while."
Hydration
Everybody you talk to will tell you exactly the best nutrition and hydration scheme to use. Each of them will tell you something different. Ultimately, you will have to figure it out like the rest of us: Trial and error. Hopefully this will not require many trips to the medical tent, DNF’s, vomiting, and soiled tri-shorts. Because seriously, tri-shorts are expensive to replace.
Bump just because this is soooo funny. I am going to keep bumping it to the first page till I get bored of reading it/or I get hate emails, whichever comes first.
Bike Fitting:
After your first sub-6 hour IM bike leg, to ensure that you receive the accolades that you are due for your cycling prowess , it is expected that you will post a still picture of yourself on this forum professing to seek aero position advice. Since you and we know that you’re not really looking advice but are fishing for praise for your awesome aerodynamic position, it is acceptable for you to prop yourself onto the bike, leaning against a wall, in some semblance of the aero position you might someday be seen in during a race. Assuming that you follow the instructions below, you will receive the praise you deserve:
Take the picture or video of you on your bike in one of the following locations: (a) your bedroom (preferably with a view through the door to the master bathroom, remembering to leave your medicine cabinet open in such a manner as to allow us to comment on your prescription for viagra/propecia/KY… etc.); (b) your garage, ensuring that we are able to see the corner where you keep your extensive collection of porn/jumper cables/cat carriers; or (c) your driveway, allow us a peak at your Porshe 911 with the trailer hitch-bike rack.
Asking Questions or for Opinions
If you ask a question or solicit opinions from the ST population, be sure to get mad and rant about it when the answers do not conform to what you were looking for.
Anonymous Posting
Never put your real name or address in any post or in your profile. Your comments carry much more weight if you are an unknown voice in the ether. This is especially true if you are slamming someone.
Screen Names
Be sure to make up multiple screen names so you can post as multiple personalities. Slowman really, really encourages this!
Spelling and Grammar
Niver run anything thru spillcheck. Your sure two never make a misteak and what the hell, people don’t care. Their to busy anonymous posting!
How about:
If you see someone wearing Ironman Finisher’s gear, and you are sure they haven’t done an Ironman, it is your duty to make them aware that YOU in fact ARE an Ironman and it’s sacrilege for them to own and wear such garments!
In answer to the age old question “Why does my sweat smell like cat piss?” This simply means your fitness is insufficient, your body is burning muscle because you have not reached “proper” tri fitness. Don’t let it concern you, just keep working on it. Eventually this phenomenon will go away. At this point you will have “arrived” and are now qualified to comment on others lack of fitness. At this point the only time it should reoccur is during your weekly 150/20 bricks. That is ok, because this is your key workout.
Heartrate: When you get your first heartrate monitor be sure to post letting us know your Max. heartrate and be sure to ask what your training zones should be. Also be sure to wear it while having sex and let us know that number also so we can determine your correct zones.
Power Cranks- Be sure to ask about them because the forum loves these post.
Shimano vs Campy - always a great icebreaker
Clinchers vs Tubulars - We can’t get enough of this one, so be sure to ask our opinion on which type of race wheels you should buy.
