Howdy. Here’s the deal. My daughter was born just over a year ago. Since the birth, my wife has actually gained weight and is now in the worst shape of her life. Her self esteem is really down and I don’t know how to help her get over the hump. I gave her a pamphlet a couple of weeks ago about a program at the gym that meets every week and is specifically targeted towards people looking to get started again. She didn’t show any interest and when I asked her about it a few days later, she said she doesn’t feel comfortable at the gym because of weight and lack of fitness. Her diet has been terrible (lots of chips and sweets, not nearly enough good stuff).
Obviously, me telling her to run her ass around the block a few times isn’t going to help her self esteem one bit. We had a bit of a knock down drag out because I have been making an effort for quite a while now to give her atleast a little bit of time to workout. She countered with the fact that she is very busy with the baby (still nursing) as well as going to school full-time… It wasn’t a very fun conversation and just can’t happen again as it did not do any good, in fact, probably made her feel even crappier about herself. She is busy, but needs to make taking care of herself a priority. Any ideas on how I can help her without getting into another argument?
Occasionally the Mens get brave and come to The Womens for advice on issues just like this. We had a great conversation on this exact question a while back. Here is a link. Feel free to start a new thread or add on to this one.
Mens are always welcome over there to ask advice such as this. We’ve also helped with saddle choices, sources of women’s training clothes and pregnancy questions amongst social questions.
IMHO, you can not win this battle. Your wife is going to have to find her own motivation, not any from you. It is amazing how stubborn a person can be (myself included) even about things that we know need to be changed. Be patient with her, do not change your habits, keep doing what you do. Your wife could be a little depressed as well. My wife went through a terrible time for about 14 months after our second child, put on more weight that duringing the pregnancy, was real irritable and moody. Finally, one day she just decied to go for a walk. That was 6 years, 2 marathons, 20 1/2 marathons, 2 short tris, and one trip to the top of half dome ago.
All you can do is love her unconditionally, support her unconditionally, and know that she will turn the corner when the time is right for her. Make sure you do not push her, bring home pamphlets, make negative comments about her body, buy her a weight bench, etc. I have seen a lot of people grow apart real fast when one spouse tries to impose their will on the other, hon’t make that mistake.
Starting is the hardest part. A body at rest tends to stay at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. Simple physics. Plan an easy weekend hike or just offer to go for a walk with you, her and the baby. Just tell her you think it will give you more quality time to talk (the womens love to talk). After a few weeks then see if she wants to do something else and build from there. She wants to do it but it is just hard to get going.
this guy is screwed isn’t he? I’m terrified to have kids now
lol
Well, sort of. I think that you mean he really has no way to control his wife’s weight. To that I agree.
If your wife’s physical fitness is an extreme marital requirement to you then you’d better choose a wife carefully with that in mind and don’t leave it implied or unstated before the marriage.
He can, however, keep alert to any SUPPORT he can give her that will enable her to begin the process when/if she decides to.
Theres a not so rare story that is told when either partner in a marriage gets fat and depressed you know?
I guess if life were easy they would call it your mom, so to speak. (referring to a funny thread from earlier, not actually your mom, relax)
=)
If your wife’s physical fitness is an extreme marital requirement to you then you’d better choose a wife carefully with that in mind and don’t leave it implied or unstated before the marriage.
Your wife is probably a little depressed and doesn’t realize it. That’s where the terrible diet usually comes from. Onabubble is completely right, you can want it all you want for her, but until she wants it, it will never happen. Your wife also is probably feeling very overwhelmed with new baby and school and her hormones are most likely screwed up from the breastfeeding. As the others have said suppport her unconditionally, tell her your love her everyday, NEVER mention her weight or working out and twice a week or so do some laundry (actually wash it, dry it, fold it and put it in the right place), sweep the floor or run the vacuum without her asking. Have honest talks with her about what she needs from you and not about when she’ll get back in the gym. Give her some more time to get herself ironed out and more likely than not she’ll get back to working out. If not then you still have a great wife who has given you the incredible gift of children and that makes you a really lucky guy (but I think you already knew that).
My wife was in a very similar situation. Here’s what I did: nothing. I just loved her as if she were her same skinny self.
She tried the Y, but was too intimidated to really go there because of her weight. What worked for her was Weight Watchers. (Maybe because it was entirely her idea). It’s a very supportive environment, which is what most women in this situation seem to need the most.
Last week she made “Lifetime.” I basically have no idea what that means, except that she doesn’t have to pay anymore money to go, (woo hoo!) and that she made it to the weight she’d like to be at for the rest of her life. They made a big deal about it, and I can see the difference in her self esteem. In some ways I think Lifetime means as much to her as my first Ironman will to me.
Now she’s ready to join Moms In Motion, which is a national organization with local groups all over the country. Again, a supportive women’s environment. She’s doing this to get ready for a 10k in a few months.
What an example of being wired differently. The idea of losing weight by eating less doesn’t appeal to me at all!
Anyway, in a nutshell, I wouldn’t even bring up any “solutions.” Just set the example. Stay active and positive with your life, and affirming with hers. She will naturally begin to want to change. That’s where it all starts.
I think that do140.6 has some advice that is right on, especially the part about the housework. I have a 13month old daughter and taking care of a young child can be very hard and overwhelming at times. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go to school full time on top of breastfeeding and caring for your daughter. I think that you need to respect all that is on her plate right now and not make her feel like there is more that she needs to do (i.e. eat better and exercise) which probably just makes her feel more stressed.
Like everyone else has said, loving her unconditionally is all that you can do right now. This may sound odd, but one of the biggest ways that I interpret my husband showing me love and respect is to help around the house without being asked and not leaving his crap laying around everywhere for me to pick up. I am not sure how the division of domestic labor currently is at your house, but taking on more of it might help. You probably didn’t expect housework to be an answer to this post, but it is worth a try. By showing and telling your wife how much you love and value her, she may start to love herself again.
As others have mentioned, please consider post-partum depression as a possible cause. It is such an isidious disease, because everyone thinks you should be ecstatic with your new baby, and you yourself don’t understand why you feel so depressed, and you feel guilty that you are not as ecstatic as everyone thinks you should be. It is a real diagnosis, and fortunately one that can be treated. Speak with your family physician, pediatrician, OB/GYN doctor, someone who is familiar with your wife and may be able to help.
As others have mentioned, please consider post-partum depression as a possible cause. It is such an isidious disease, because everyone thinks you should be ecstatic with your new baby, and you yourself don’t understand why you feel so depressed, and you feel guilty that you are not as ecstatic as everyone thinks you should be. It is a real diagnosis, and fortunately one that can be treated. Speak with your family physician, pediatrician, OB/GYN doctor, someone who is familiar with your wife and may be able to help.
Best wishes,
Sharon
I was going to say the exact same thing. Although I haven’t ever had a baby, I’ve seen the toll that post-partum depression can take on people. It’s a vicious cycle, because once you start to feel better, you realize how out of shape you are, which can bring back the depression, low self-esteem and lack of motivation. I know when I take more than one day off in my training, it is hard to get started again, so I can’t imagine 9 months.
