It was a short and illustrious career but I’m hanging up my $8.00 goggles that I bought Friday and used in my first race Saturday. I was sick for 4 weeks prior to the race thanks to my boy, grand total of 10 miles running a couple hours of biking and I had not done any swimming since I was a kid. Would have backed out but no refunds so I ran to Academy and bought a cheap pair of goggles Friday before the race. Manage to get about 5 hours of sleep Friday night. Idiot race report as follows for my 200m/8.5m/2m race:
Get there and set up my stuff at transition zone and start looking for my nemesis Alyssa. Alyssa is the 14 yo daughter of a coworker that I talked into doing this debacle with me. She and her dad have been talking smack in the week leading up to the race. She runs track and has access to a pool and just got a bike a month ago so naturally as a 31 yo male I’m worried that I’m gonna get my ass handed to me by a 14 year old girl. I see them standing outside the transition area and I swager over and ask her if she still thinks she is going to beat me and I get the expected answer of yes with that look in her eyes like she is gonna eat me for breakfast. At this point I think I mumble something about not being able to get my swim cap on and sheepishly wander over towards the pool to wait for the start.
The Swim: I have not put a toe in a pool since I was a kid so I was flying blind to say the least. I just tried to remember the things I have read and heard others say; keep your head down, don’t use your legs much, press the t(whatever the hell that is). Aly starts in front of me she looks good going down the lane and then I’m off. I keep my head down swim my ass off and almost catch her when I realize I should probably breath at this point since I’m coming up on the 1st turn. That’s when it happened… I come up gasping for air lungs on fire and suck down a pint of pool water. I cough a little take a deep breath make the turn and realize I need to breath again. You can probably guess how that went so I’ll spare everyone the details and just say I went through what I would call a rythmic process of drowning that lasted for about 4 minutes. The only highlight of the swim was actually catching up to the person in front of me(not Ally, she had passed them already) and having the time to walk behind them because they were so slow. Total swim time for 200 meters 4 minutes and 15 seconds of pure hell, actually it was not to bad muscle wise the whole breathing thing just kinduv got in the way, imagine that.
T1: surprisingly exhausted I lumber over to my bike and do my best to catch my breath, get socks and shoes on. Stumble out of T1 in 3:14 which is sad since it was almost as long as it took me choke through the swim.
The Bike: A few minutes into the bike I catch up to Ally. Try to think up something good to say but really lets be honest what kind of verbal jab can you throw at a 14 year old girl and feel good about yourself, so I just peddle by, knowing she’ll probably catch me on the run anyway. The rest of the bike was enjoyable, nice scenery, good hills but pretty much uneventful except for the damn bread truck. Let me put this in perspective. I survived the swim lumbered through the transition and have passed a 14 yo girl whose father has been telling me all week that she is going to kick my ass. Then I get stuck behind a bread truck, I mean come on doesn’t he know I’m in a race here and having the ride of my life. He should have seen the way I just passed that 4’ tall kid on a 58cm bike, I was poetry on wheels. I swear I heard angels singing in the clouds above me so… I decided I needed to pass him. Turns out the angels were calling me home because about the time I hop in the other lane and get half way up the truck a car comes around the curve at me. I got just enough time to drop the hammer and make it around the truck and back in my lane with a few seconds to spare.
Now lets reflect on that last statement for a second because there are two things that need to be clarified in it. 1) dropping the hammer is a relative term, you’re probably thinking the truck was doing 20mph and that was just to slow for a speed demon like me, not exactly, but keep thinking that and we’ll both feel better about my riding abilities. 2) kids don’t try this at home, even Johnny Knoxville thought it was a stupid stunt.
At this point having blown past Aly and that 7 year old on a 58cm bike(wherever you are son I salute you) I realize it’s not worth dying for. If I don’t make it home in one piece to finish planting those rose bushes in the front yard my wife is really gonna be pissed at me so I decide to take it easy for the rest of the ride. total ride time a whopping 30:58(it was hilly I tell you 
T2: Boring except for almost creaming the guy in front of me at the dismount line. Total time 1:21
The run: Uneventful compared to the swim and bike. It is a 1 mile out and back. Run out is a little depressing for a couple of reasons. (1) I really don’t want to go home and plant 50 rose bushes and (2) how in the hell is that really big person already on the way back in from the run when I’m just getting started. At this point I just don’t care about much anymore and can’t stop thinking about having to plant those stupid bushes so I just put it in cruise control and finish the race. Total run time 15:37. Total race time 55:09 7/17 in beginner age group, 77/233 beginners total
So there are a couple of lessons to be learned from this:
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It helps to swim before hand even if you only get the breathing down
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If you feel like you have to compete against a 14 year old girl you probably aren’t in very good shape. Btw she finished in 1:02 which I thought was great
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If you hear angels singing it may not be a good sign.
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If you are going to let your child enter a race at least go to walmart and spend $200 and get a bike that fits them.
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50 rose bushes take longer to plant than you think, don’t under estimate the amount of time it takes
So that’s it for me, my blistering hot career is on hold at least until I can find a convienant pool and get over a warped competitive thing with a 14 year old girl. Like Tibbs I’m going to re-evalute my life and lurk quitely in the background.
