Public appology to my dream woman

Triathlon Forum
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So yeterday I had a crappy day…more will show in the thread. I called Tracy (or maybe she called me) and I was a total ass - jerk. What I said to her I would never forgive myself for. How can I mess up so bad and expect anything from her? To be more honest with you all than I am with anyone here…today I ahve a MASSIVE headache…this is from sitting in the garage with the car running for a bit. Sitting there listening to Peter Gabriel I decided that doing that was just selfish and cruel. No way I want to do that to Tracy. I am having a hard time being in love with a woman who tells me that she loves me…but just cant be with me right now. I dont know what to do with myself. What do I do to fix this?

This is an e-mail I sent to her freind that was with her last night.

*I wanted to apologize to you for everything that I have been putting Tracy (and thus you) through. I have no excuse for my insecurities. I have no excuse for dong what I did last night. I like all people have good and bad days yesterday was obviously a bad one. I often sit and think about when the next time I will see Tracy is. Yesterday I picked up a ring that I had purchased Tracy some weeks back but did not give to her - it WAS a baguette Ruby “eternity” ring. I had diamonds mounted between all of the rubies (they kept the rubies now that I thing about it). Well I was all proud of myself and home I went to see a buddy of mine…mistake #1 (this buddy killed himself a few years back…he was like a brother to me). *

*You know I don’t drink, that being said I was told by a Gastroenterologist that red wine would help my little issues that I have been having with my stomach. So, I go and drink 3/4 a bottle of wine, meant to have one glass and next think I know I am in the basement of the house drinking some home made thing that Tracy had bottled. I honestly can’t recall much after that. That is NOT an excuse, not at all. Now, I know why it is I don’t drink. I do not have a drinking problem as I don’t drink - and it is obvious to me that I am a problem if I was to drink. *

*So again Tracy cries, I cry, we are both miserable. I do love her so much that is what makes it so hard on me. I love her so so much. I have messed up time after time after time. *

*Once again I am sorry and am the only cause of the greatest loss I have ever had in my live. I look forward to a time that we can meet again, I just hope that if we do, I can redeem myself in your eyes and that we could be friends. *

2

I travel a lot and often go several days without opening the forum, and i can’t go back, so i only stick to the 1st page. Am i suppossed to be completely lost on this one?

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This has been going on a long time Record. You can’t just call this post-Ironman Race blues anymore. You need to get professional help.

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I have to agree with BadMonk you definitely need to get professional help. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Do not give up hope…talk to someone professional who can help understand how you can work through this…you need to fix yourself and then you can fix things with Tracy.

5

Hey Record…first off welcome home buddy…secondly…I’m sure once you figure out where the heart of your trouble lies both Tracy and her friend will come understand the guy that is acting like an ass…isn’t the real Record. But the other posters are right…you need to find out what that trouble is first and you can’t do it alone. This isn’t an Ironman you can do without a coach. The forum misses the hell out out of you man (and your witty Campagnolo reparte…hell I was even compelled to get something Campy for my retro build)…dust yourself off…or have someone help you do it…and get back in the race.

6

Hey Record10Ti,

It’s nice to see you back.

My good friend, I have written this letter before myself. I’m 42, and after one very nice successful relationship, one pretty bad one, one downright horrible one and a number of OK ones that were just kind of casual dating I have learned a few things.

First off, it is OK, good even- to put honest effort into a relationship if it is reciporacal on both parts. If it isn’t reciporacal on both parts, it is best to reflect very heavily on what you need to move past it to get on to something better- whatever that may be.

That is a process like anything else- it has a beginning, middle and end. And it takes some real effort and work. It also helps if you have assistance. Assistance helps becasue this is one of the more difficult things in life. And it really hurts. It also leaves permanent scars if it is bad enough and you don;t take care in the healing process. And, it takes some time.

That’t the bad news. Go to a therapist, talk about it, select a course of action and stick to it. You won’t believe how much better your life will become. I went from constant uncertainty, fear, doubt and mistrust to being happy and feeling safe and comfortable- and also getting my own life back again instead of being subject to someone else’s value set that I didn’t share. -Nothing wrong with their value set if it is rewarding to them, we just weren’t compatible.

The good news is, and I can promise you this for certain, there are better things out there for you if you are open to them, do the work and are ready for them. They are so much better you can’t imagine them from where you are now. I’m not just talking about relationships either- I’m talking about everything in your life. Absolutely everything.

When I finally was able to walk away from my most disasterous relationship (Actually, I was thrown out by her, then I get the predictable “Let’s be friends” e-mail a couple months later) my life took a dramatic turn for the better. With the help of my friends and professionals everything got better. Much better.

And along the way I learned a lot. I think I learned that people don’t change and never will. I know I haven’t changed. If anything, I am just more aware of what kind of a guy I am. But no different.

Somewhere here you will hit bottom and then be compelled to change course. When you do, lean on your friends (like us!) and have the wisdom and fortitude to get help. I guarantee you will be glad you did.

Things will be better for you. I guarantee it- as long as you don;t stay “stuck”.

Good luck buddy. Let us know…

7

hope i’m not intruding by contributing here, but …

… when you are looking to someone else as the key to your happiness you’ve lost all sense of healthy emotional boundaries and balance … and the sad reality is, that when this happens should that person give you all that you are asking for (explicit or implied), and all that you think you want - it would still not be enough. you are not emotionally centered … picture someone very drunk (off red wine, perhaps), so drunk that they can’t stand up on their own. when they begin to fall someone catches them, and now they’re tipped over, yet propped up. as long as this goes on they won’t fall, but will never really regain balance either, as they are completely dependent on that person for support. this sucks for both parties, one can’t right his own ship and the other feels incredibly burdened by the other.

i’ve been the drunk one. i went through a period in my life where my confidence was shattered and i completely depended on my partner for support. it left me completely outside myself, completely unbalanced emotionally, where the more i wanted the more she pulled away, and the more i feared losing her the more inevitable it was going to happen … it cost me my marriage. of course, it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, as it forced me to get some help, make changes, and get my shit together - as well as learn what being and having a good partner is about.

i can’t even imagine trying to deal (alone), with the challenges you’ve got on your plate. i hope you recognize that: one, you need to seek help from a qualified professional to help you learn get your head straight, and two, if you don’t you can never relieve your partner of the burden of dealing with your issues. It goes back to the old truism that you can’t be happy in a relationship until you’re able to be happy alone.

i wish you the best.

8

Record,

Wow. Initially I read your post and wanted to send you somethig right away as, though i don’t know you, I believe from what I have read in this thread so far, I was just in your shoes only a year and a half ago. But now that I have read this thread I couldn’t resist.

  1. It appears you are truly blessed with some friends that sincerely and genuinely care about you. That says volumes. LEAN on that now; you are going to need it. I know I did. Apparently a good number of us have been exactly where you are. EVERYONE here, especially the two Tom’s have provided you with some very excellent advice. BUT YOU are the only one with a finger on the trigger.

  2. Since your friends gave you such excellent advice I will just try to share a quick summary of my story for you in the hopes that you can relate and maybe find the motivation to reverse this tide.

Only 2 yrs ago, I was thinking the world could get no worse. I thought I had repaired my relationship with my “dream girl” and there’s nothing I would not have done for her. But as it turns out we were no further along than our 1st, 2nd, or 3rd breakup and this last one was for good. I was devestated. On top of just losing the relationship, I had JUST given up my career to go back on active duty and even that didn’t work out as I suffered my 3rd ACL tear in as many years while at OCS! SO, here I am, freshly stripped of my relationship, my job, my home and I have absolutely nothing. And then it got worse, she had been cheating the whole time and going back and forth with her own emotional issues. LOOOOONG drawn out story. Let me just tell you it was ugly…and for some reason I kept making excuses that would right everything.

Finally, enough was enough. After weeks of emotional breakdown I, with the help of my friends, drew the line. I had already lost 25 lbs (I was only 160 to begin with!), was never able to sleep or eat, and couldn’t focus on anything but her and our failing/failed relationship. It was truly pathetic. My friend, it was 4th and 90…time to punt. My self esteem was well beyond low and it was time to get things going again.

I would never have gotten back on my feet if it weren’t for my closest friends who supported me and guided me through a long recovery. They kept me busy and positive. They constantly pointed out to me the things I had forgotten about myself and taken for granted in myself. Things that other people are drawn to in some cases. Essentially, they helped me heal and become the person I was long before this failed relationship even got started.

I wish I could share with you all the small details to drive the point of this home but it would be a novel as if it isn’t already. All I can tell you is that after some introspective healing time and with the support of my friends I AM MUCH BETTER OFF NOW THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE. 100 TIMES HAPPIER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN. My confidence is back and I am very comfortable with myself. When I look back on that emotional ordeal I actually cannot believe I fell into it but hey we all do right? I look at the experience like building a muscle as stooooopid as that sounds. Right now you have been broken down and torn apart. You will have a healing phase. When that has run its course you will be stronger than before.

The trick is, YOU determine when that healing phase is and when it starts. Your caring and supportive friends are there for you but cannot “flip that switch for you”. Focus on yourself my friend. Now is NOT A TIME FOR YOU to try and right things with anyone but yourself. Take the offseason, and get youself in order emotionally as well as physically. Trust me it will pay off in a few months. Like I said I cannot believe how much better things are for me and how refreshing it is. I never worry about doubt, loss, and all the drama that goes with that emotional torment as I have learned to be comfortable with myself.

Anyway, I am now rambling and thanks to the lawn guys outside, have lost my train of thought a long time ago. Keep your chin up my friend. I hope your suffering begins to end today. Draw back from trying to build up/repair this relationship. In a way actually, if that is your goal you need to start by focusing on yourself and initiate the “repairs” there. If she is around when that is done then maybe consider it but I think that once you have yourself starightened out you will feel differently towars the whole thing and have gained a better appreciation for what it is you REALLY want from a partner/relationship anyway.

Keep your chin up, stay positive, focus on you and your postivie attributes, quit worrying about the relationship as YOU DON’T NEED IT and there is a better one out there for you waiting. Guaranteed!! It seems as if there are a lot of people in your corner. Good luck and let me know how things are going for you.

Every best wish for ya,

Mark

9

Bro, I think that the majority of this board has been where you are, and yes, it truly does suck beyond words.

Get yourself sorted man, and do whatever it takes to “normalize” again. We’re here if you need to rant/braindump, and I really hope that you have a few solid friends to lean on in real life as well.

Welcome back, amigo - you’ve been missed.