Triathlon Essentials
(author unknown)
Just compiling a list of things you need to get to the top in this sport, actually not even to get to the top, but just to be classed as a triathlete. (In random order as they popped into my head) The latest and greatest aerodynamic double butted 9,000,000 series monocoque extruded matrix layered cold and hot treated hand crafted in USA (not by an Asian heaven forbid) bicycle frame
Add on a pair of race wheels, preferably honeycomb flavored, unilateral layers, dimpled and pimpled, wrapped in shark skin, trued by the hand of god, with pearl bearings from specially grown oysters that are 1000 times rounder than ceramic bearings, filled with iguana fat for lubrication - the most lubricated fat in the world
Seven pairs of shoes, one for racing long races, one for racing short races, one for training on the track, one for training on trails, one for training on roads, one for wearing on the others days as you shouldn’t wear the same pair of shoes on consecutive days and one for wearing around as you can’t walk around in trainers, and then times that by two as it is always best to buy two pairs in case they change models next year, add on a few more actually in case…just in case
Oh the wetsuit, well one piece is good, two maybe better or even seventeen panels so that it fits every groove except one in the body, it is manufactured from dolphin skin layered with yamayototo flex material and sealed with seal fat, arm sections are very flexible so they have tendon sections from Indian yoga masters inserted along the seams, the seams are seamless as well to reduce drag, it has buoyancy panels and minute flagella that flap in the water propelling the swimmer along
A heart rate monitor is essential, you can’t train without one as your heart will not beat right unless the electrodes help it to stay in sync, code the electrodes so that you are not helping anyone else in training, the monitor must have 100 split laps for when you do the deca-mega-triathlon or those 100 x 20m run intervals, now get a downloaded ultra sonic link up to your pc so that it can constantly monitor your heart rate and tell you when to train when to rest when to go to the toilet as your hydration levels are too low, when to wake up as you heart rate is finally back down to resting average
You need a membership at the local beautician as you can not leave the house with hair on your body, even though you only race a dozen times a year the body must always be kept hairless to remind yourself of the sacrifice you make to the triathlon gods, waxing is better and preferred, crack, sack, back, legs arms, underarms, overarms, inner arms, hands, toes, tongue, eyebrows anything that could be detectable via electron microscope
You need a gym membership and a home gym, strength training is essential, home gym should include a fit-ball, medi-ball, medicine ball, tennis ball, soccer ball, balance board, chalk board, dart board, hand weights, free weights, body weights, barbells, dumbbells, smartbells, stretch cords, vasa trainer, treadmill, windmill, benches, bars, many mirrors and one of those pictures of a girl in a g-string leotard over the top of lycra leg warmers
Also in the gym you need a computer bike trainer that mounts the whole bicycle so that if it is not the exact weather conditions outside you do your training on this, as a matter of fact you will perform better if you do all your training on this as their are too many variables with riding on the roads, as a matter of fact races should all be held on these machines a they are the only true test of power out-put heart rate constant load sustained uninterrupted spin scanned testing race conditions stuff around
To assist the heart when it is at that angle you need to take a super refined purely filtered derivative of a South American strain of an ancient herb used by native animals to combat fatigue during migration, it enables you to burn fat much better and spares carbohydrate
Oh and you need to have a diet that is mostly of fat as it is much more efficient to burn fat for energy, so if you only eat fat then your body has no choice but to burn fat for fuel meaning you will be one fat burning machine - enabling migration to be accomplished with little effort
Best to ensure you are running with the correct pose, so buy a digital multi snap wickity wack camera with autoplay focus pocus and see if you look good whilst running, you should land approximately 3.67 cm inside the lateral border of the 6th maleolus along the edge of the navigators point, make sure your hair looks good as the girls and guys (whichever you prefer) will care more how you look and how much you talk about yourself then anything else
Actually it is best to have your own homepage so that the world knows how much you love triathlon and how much you give to the sport and how much you get from the sport and how much is not much to do about nothing, post your pose positions on the website, all poses are acceptable
Cadence is everything so measure your cadence whilst climbing, time trialing, swimming, running, sitting, sleeping, skipping, hopping, walking to get your specially distilled carbon rock filtered water from the fountain of every lasting success, the higher the better, except when lower is better, so go higher and lower to get better, yes that’s it train high - live low - race in the middle or something like that You need a kick ass car to cart all your stuff around, best to ensure it has roof racks, bright colors and stickers of all the races you’ve competed in on the bumper bar, don’t actually ride anywhere, drive with the bike on the roof so everyone can see you are fit enough to ride if you wanted to
Build a wind tunnel in your garage, you need to know how much wind passes over each square inch of your body to determine if your beautician is doing their job and to maximize your training - you would not want to waste energy, if you get a big enough wind tunnel you can test the drag coefficient of bicycles on your car roof
Be very sure to pay homage to the gods of whatever race you are at, and thank god when you win, no need to thank him/her when you lose, just when you win make it sure everyone knows that it was god that enabled you to win and made all the others lose, but don’t forget the other gods who own the race don’t ever downplay their importance as they will not let you win their race until the seventh or eight time (depending on what month you were born I think)
But all the pills and potions, gadgets and gizmos in the world won’t help you if you train because training less is training more, the less you train the more you train as less is more and being smarter is much better then training harder so training smarter means training less because less is more so you actually should not train as recovery is more important then training so the more recovery you get the better your performance will be, only dumb people train hard and your smarter so train less, provided your satisfied with less!!
