Politcal humor

The Coffee Shop
1

A bit of politcal humor for your enjoyment.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am” the man replied. “How did you guess?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been any help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist." “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s MY fault.”

2

George Bush gives Gerhard Schröder an urgent call.

“Gerhard, you have to help us! The biggest condome factory of the USA burned down last night! We urgently need 1,000,000 comdomes, can you help us?”

“Of course”, Schröder answered. “That shouldn’t be a problem…”

“ But the condomes have to be delivered in our national colors, red, white and blue, they will have to be at least 12 inches long and have to have a diameter of at least 3 inches “ says Bush

“ If that’s all you want…I’ll take care of that” Schröder replies.

So Schröder calls the General manager of the biggest German condome factory “we have to help the Yanks with a 1,000,000 condomes! Any problem there?”

“Not at all!” the General Manager answers. “Any special wishes?”

“Yes, the condomes have to be red, blue and white, they have to be at least 12 inches long and need a diameter of at least 3 inches .”

“OK, anythng else?”

“Yes” says Schröder. “do me a favor and put a print on the condomes “MADE IN GERMANY Size: SMALL!”

3

Here is another one.

John Kerry is out jogging one morning and notices Little Hannah on the corner with a box. Curious, he alters his course, jogs over to Little Hannah and says, “What’s in the box, kid?”

Little Hannah says, “Kittens. They’re brand new kittens.”

John Kerry laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”

“Democrats,” says Little Hannah.

“Oh that’s cute,” he says and goes on his way.

A few days later, John Kerry is jogging with his buddy Ted Kennedy and he spies Little Hannah with her box just ahead. John Kerry says to Ted, “You gotta check this out,” and they both jog over to Little Hannah.

John Kerry says, “Look in the box, Teddy, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Teddy what kind of kittens they are.”

Little Hannah replies, “They’re Republicans.”

“Whoa!” John Kerry says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What’s up?”.

"Well, "Little Hannah explains, "Their eyes are open now

4

And yet another one.

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”

“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Kerry frowns. “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”

The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”

Tony Blair walks into the room. “Yes, my Queen?”

The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.

“John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” says John Edwards. “Let me get back to you on that one.”

Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall.

Edwards shouts, “Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Colin Powell yells back, “That’s easy. It’s me!”

Edwards smiles, and says, “Thanks!”

Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell.”

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, “No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”

6

A few days later, John Kerry is jogging with his buddy Ted Kennedy…

Teddy jogging! That is the most humorous part of this joke.

7

I saw an old episode of SNL the other night from 4 years ago, and they had Will Ferrell on as GW in a debate with Al Gore. I love the last part of that debate when the candidates are asked to sum up their positions in a single word and then Gov. Bush say " Strategery". Pro-Bush or anti-Bush, that was just plain funny.

8

Old joke

three people you don’t want to golf with

Heidi Fleiss

OJ Simpson

Ted Kennedy

Heidi hooks, OJ slices, and Ted can’t drive over water
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9

http://www.wolles-website.de/witze/politik_2003_02.jpg
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10

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care.

The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy… then discards it through Windows.

11

And just to show you that I can be bi-partisan;-)

George W. Bush is at the stadium and begins his speech to open the Olympic Games: “Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo!
Ooooooo! Ooooooo!”

An aide comes over and whispers:

“Mr President, those are the Olympic rings, your speech is below!”

12

This is a new spin on an old joke for you.

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in
his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go home with someone and make love for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said David, “he works for the Bush campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”

13

http://www.jibjab.com/thisland.html
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