I am a dynamic figure, often seen cycling up walls and swimming in crushed ice. I have been known to redesign the world’s fastest TT bikes on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I ride to the Yukon and back, on a single speed. I can push a baby jogger up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. My seat post is exactly the right height. Using only a pull-buoy and a kick-board, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Andes from a horde of age-groupers. I play the electric bagpipe, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am very close to designing a perpertual motion machine started with a line whispered from the musical Cats. I am an abstract algebra, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy tri wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured Europe with a traveling band of gypsies. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in the Spain, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I slalom, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact parenting. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a can of marachino cherries and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. None of this really matters, since my bike wheels are slow.
Please send me your paypal e-mail address…welcome to team looser, I will have your weekly $.05 cent stipend to you soon as I get your e-mail.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life/// answer 42?
.
Yeah, but can you sing “cheeseburger in paradise” in a pink TuTu standing on your left foot? That’s the only way we’ll sponsor you…
I hope you got that answer reading…and not in a theater…shit…where is my towel?
I think what you need is a website… feel free to e-mail me 
Your my kinda sicko.
can I be sponsored too?
This is a mod of the college essay written by hugh gallagher (or at least that’s the urban legend) that’s been floating around for 15 years. It’s not even original. You do not deserve sponsorship. Pretty lame.
http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~susan/joke/essay.htm
For those who want to read the real McCoy. I agree, that’s pretty lame. At least it makes sense why someone would write that they make TT bikes better at heat retention. That had me mystified at first…
Hey. in true engineering form, I kyped it off another person who kyped it off another and so on … with a clever modification for tri. I added the seat post item.
PS. It was a lame attempt at humour, I admit it. Sponsor me anyways.
Its not your, its you’re, as in a contraction of you are. This requires a little bit of thought to remember, but its remembering niceties like this that are the foundation of civilised behaviour. A bit like the “broken windows” policy, sorting out the little stuff like this stops the slide towards slackness, immorality and insensibility.
Don’t ask me why the word abbreviation is so long.
yes…but it’s ‘it’s remembering etc’ and not ‘its remembering’…
it’s as in contraction of it is whereas its is a possessive adjective
hehe
Hey, its hard to translate ebonics into written english!
I will say it is classic to correct someone on one contraction while messing up another of the most common ones in the process…
Hey, its hard to translate ebonics into written english!
I thought you only had a problem with the french, apparently not…
Here we go again, hi hi…
Arrggghhhhh!
Guilty as charged
where did ya see someone writing anythin’ in ebonix? it be not
muh ma fuckin fault if peeps can’t write english here. It’snot dat difficult
ta write correctly. what ‘chew trippin foo’