I thought I might update you guys and get a little venting done in the mean time. I am a bi polar bear. Years of shrinks and this is the first time my problem has been found. Being a phase shifter is hell and being aware of it is great but the knowledge of what is happening is awful.
It has been said the suffering is pain without end. I see no light at the end of my tunnel. A life time of fighting this and not knowing what it was I was fighting has left me exhausted. That is why I was looking for a nice place to jump off of. I didn’t want to die I just wanted the pain to stop. I have been all around this great big world and seen horrors that make my life look grand but when your own brain is fighting you rational thought is gone. I have a great family, great friends and a forum of nuts, but chemicals that I didn’t ask for are unbalanced in my body and I can’t see the light or feel the warmth.
To win this battle is more than I think I am up for. I have to change everything from the inside out. I can not just change a little of this and a little of that and go on I have to turn my world on its head and start over. I have to put my job, my friendships and even my marriage on the line. I have to play a game of selfish living after I life time of being the door mat and punching bag for the world.
I now live day to day hoping that the meds do their 20% enough to allow me to do my 80%. So now I do therapy, think of suicide every 5 minutes and dream of the big island.
Well, this nut is pleased that you touched base with us. In that post I get the feeling that you are glad that you at least have a tag on which to start building on, but are aware that it will not be easy. I know a couple of friends that are bi-polar, and whilst it seems regretful that they are on meds, it works well as long as they remember to take them.
So keep on at it, and don’t forget to update date us from time to time. It would be un-bearable without the two of you around.
Hey Buddy, I’m glad I just checked in. It’s good to hear from you. I know you have a tough battle to fight and a long uphill grind but remember we’ll all be behind you.
…can’t see the light nor feel the warmth. What poetry! I know you’d swap all your poetry for peace, but man, I guess you got to dance with who brung ya. Hopefully the 20% factor will be the right thing for you. Thanks for the update.
I think you know this all ready, but it is all about day-to-day. When day-to-day become too much then it has to become hour-to-hour. If that is too much, then it must be minute-to-minute.
Tibbsy, I don’t know if you ever played the “watch game”:
We used to look at our watches for 60 seconds. At the end of 60 seconds I would look at my buddy and say, “Well, fuck, there’s 60 seconds we cheated death and are still here, and 60 less seconds of this shit we have to live through…” And that was all it would take to feel a little better.
Sometimes dude, it is just about living to the next 60 seconds and engaging the target closest to you.
