This has been a rough 6 months. I have seen more couples split up and people move in the last six months then in the previous couple of years. All of this is affecting my kids, because they lose their friends and don’t really understand what is happening or why. They don’t “get” divorce". They don’t understand how you could lose your home. You try and explain to them what is happening in terms they can understand and reinforce that what’s happening is not happening to their mommy and daddy, that their home is safe, all the time knowing that you could lose your job any day. I’m sure there are many of you out there that are seeing and going through the same kind of things. What are you doing about this?
I have seen more couples split up and people move in the last six months then in the previous couple of years. All of this is affecting my kids, because they lose their friends and don’t really understand what is happening or why. They don’t “get” divorce".
But I have heard hundreds of times here in the LR that what other couples do in their marriage has no impact on anyone else, so why worry about it. Myself and others have consistently argued that what others do impacts everyone and it’s nice to see a perfect example.
I don’t get divorce either but as long as we continue to be a me oriented society, make a marriage license easier to get than a driver’s license and have no-fault divorce, it will just get worse.
I don’t get divorce either but as long as we continue to be a me oriented society, make a marriage license easier to get than a driver’s license and have no-fault divorce, it will just get worse.
I’m sure you are aware that in the US, divorce rates have been declining for decades.
What are you doing about this?
It’s tough sometimes with kids, especially if their friends are going through tough times with their families. Our kids are getting older now, so it gets a bit easier, but the primary thing we do is to give them a stable environment and constantly remind them that our family is strong and our household is not going to change. They often need almost constant reinforcement of this. It’s almost like they don’t believe it unless they hear it over and over.
My younger daughter went through a phase where she was afraid our house was going to burn down when she went to bed. All she had to hear was an explanation from me about how that’s not going to happen, how careful we are with anything electrical or candles, etc, and how our number one job is to keep her safe. Just hearing that every night for about a week was enough to calm her fears so she could sleep.
Some of the on-going things we do to address this issue:
- First of all, I’m doing everything I can to make sure I continue to have a strong marriage. Divorce is just not an option for us, so we have to find a way to live happily with each other no matter what. It also means that we concentrate on our marriage even if it means the kids have to stay with gramma for a week while we take a vacation away alone or if they have to be with a babysitter so we can go on dates.
- Secondly, I’m constantly reminding them that our family is secure, our marriage is solid, we have a house and food on the table and that we will be alright.
- Over time, we have set up our life so that we aren’t reliant on high-paying jobs to keep our house. If worse comes to worse and we lose our jobs, then we are set up to be able to support ourselves by working just about anywhere. We might not be able to go out to dinner very much or take expensive vacations, but we will still have our house and food on the table. That can’t happen overnight, but you have to live within your means over several years in order to set yourself up for this type of security.
- Never, ever let them hear you discuss or argue about money. They only need to know that their family is strong, they have a house and food and that will never change.
Good luck!
But I have heard hundreds of times here in the LR that what other couples do in their marriage has no impact on anyone else, so why worry about it. Myself and others have consistently argued that what others do impacts everyone and it’s nice to see a perfect example.
I think you may be mischaracterizing what people have said here. While it’s possible that some may have claimed that what happens in one relationship does not impact others, I think it more likely (probably because I believeit more reasonable) that in most cases, what happens is their own business, in the sense that government should stay out of it.
I don’t get divorce either but as long as we continue to be a me oriented society, make a marriage license easier to get than a driver’s license and have no-fault divorce, it will just get worse.
Are you saying that my sister-in-law should not have left her abusive husband? Or are you saying that she should have footed the increased legal bills that would have been necessary to prove fault in order to get the divorce?
What’s your solution?
**Are you saying that my sister-in-law should not have left her abusive husband? **
Yeah, that’s exactly what I said.
**Or are you saying that she should have footed the increased legal bills that would have been necessary to prove fault in order to get the divorce? **
Man, that is word for word with what I wrote.
I don’t get divorce either but as long as we continue to be a me oriented society, make a marriage license easier to get than a driver’s license and have no-fault divorce, it will just get worse.
I’m sure you are aware that in the US, divorce rates have been declining for decades.
As have marriage rates…coincidence?
So, then, what is your point? Because, apparently, you do “get divorce” and are not opposed to no-fault divorce.
My point is that marriages are too easy to enter into and too easy to get out of. I am not isolating your sister’s circumstance as an example for the entire country, there are always exceptions, I know a few myself.
The problem with some States is that if one person wants a divorce and the other doesn’t, the party not wanting one has no voice in the matter and that is absurd.
While it’s easy to say that marriages are too easy to enter into and too easy to get out of, I believe the alternatives are even more problematic.
What voice would you give the spouse not wanting the divorce? Would you give them the ability to prevent it, effectively forcing the other spouse to remain in a marriage against his or her will? Or the ability to delay the divorce? Most states already have a mandatory waiting period, and regardless, a divorce can easily be prolonged by a spouse that wants to contest it. Or merely about the opportunity to be heard? I’m not sure what this accomplishes. If it’s being heard by the court, then so what, if at the end of the day, fault isn’t required. Of if it’s forcing the other spouse to hear whey there shouldn’t be a divorce, I have a hard time seeing how being forced into such a process wouldn’t simply cause more resentment.
I always enjoy hearing your take on parenting issues. And this one reminds me that I may need to be a little more balanced in my handling of the issues arising out of this recession. My kids (age 8 and almost 11) have never really seen nor experienced any type of significant deprivation. I’ve been trying to explain to them that the downturn in the economy means that we have to be more careful with how we spend our money and that for a lot of people, it’s going to seriously affect how they live their lives. I’ve also tried to explain what the market free-fall has meant for retirement and education savings. I don’t want them to think that they are somehow “entitled” to live in a nice house and a nice neighborhood or that paying for college is a given. That all being said, in my attempt to paint a “realistic” vision of the world, I may have introduced an element of scary uncertainty that is not really age-appropriate. I think with all the bad, I’ll start balancing it with the good: my husband and I both have stable jobs; our finances are solid; and we don’t over-extend.
I’m married and it’s not fair that others can get off so easily 
.
Finding that balance is always hard. I agree that we don’t want our kids to grow up expecting that things are easy and that they should just expect to always have money. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you’ve told them. It’s important for them to know that sometimes life sucks and people go through tough times. Just back that up now, with reinforcing that their life is stable and secure.
I also think that it will help them empathize with people who are not as fortunate, which is important IMO, for kids to learn.
You have a lot of insight. While growing we almost lost our home because my dad’s business almost went bankrupt. To this day I remember being about 7, and the yelling and screaming going on between my parents because of our financial situation. My mom was forced to take a job, which was really a blessing in the long run. My parent’s money issues really helped make me who I am today, because I don’t ever want to be in that situation with my kids. And I am doing everything that I can to protect and reassure them that regardless of what happens, they will be loved and safe.
I think honesty is the best solution. Why lie to children. They aren’t stupid, they pick up on things more than many parents give them credit for and teaching them honesty and personal responsibility is what every parent should do IMO.
We as a society have become way too dependent on material things for happiness, or at least they think so. Nothing wrong with enjoying materialistic things but ultimately, when it really comes down to it it’s the non-materialistic things in life that matter. No matter how tough things are now and they will get tougher for society as a whole in the years to come, this is also an opportunity for people to (re-) learn and remind themselves how materialistic things are just that, materialistic.
And let’s say some parents are in the process or close to the point of defaulting on their loan commitments to a home - they most likely couldn’t afford. Children can learn from parents mistakes and why not share such a valuable lesson with the ones that are of most importance to somebody?
I’m sure you are aware that in the US, divorce rates have been declining for decades.
That is interesting to me. Not to hijack the thread, but I wonder if this has much to do with couples having kids together or just living together without getting married?
It would also be interesting to see, in the younger aged people (18-24), what % of them got married 30 years ago versus now. My guess is that many more people are just dating or living together or “sexing around” rather than ‘getting married’.
Getting married seems to be one of those things that has lost much of its lister … unless you’re gay. You’re almost a weirdo if you get married sorta young (mid 20s) and stay married to that same person for decades.
You’re almost a weirdo if you get married sorta young (mid 20s) and stay married to that same person for decades.
I agree with what you’re saying. I got married in 1990 when I was 23. All of my friends got married 8+ years later. Even someone getting married at 25 now seems young. I hope that my kids wait until their late-20’s at least.
I hope that my kids wait until their late-20’s at least
Why? What reason is there to wait until your late 20’s if you find someone you love?
For many reasons. I think that people change drastically from their early 20’s to their late 20’s. It’s very hard to find someone who you love and are compatible with who you will stay married to for the rest of your life. I think it’s even harder when you get married young.
I also would want them to be free and independant while they’re younger. Explore the world. Try different careers. Live in a different country. When you only have to think about yourself, you have more options in life. I would like them to take advantage of that while they’re unmarried. Not that they can’t do things after they’re married, but it gets more complicated.
It’s not that I would be disappointed if they found someone and got married younger, but it would be my wish for them if I had a choice (which I don’t, so I’m really just talking out loud).