I want to preface this - its done tongue planted firmly in cheek, and if you have the energy to read the whole thing, you’re a better person than me. Like most satire, there is a grain of truth in it, blown up for polemic’s sake.
Political commentators have been noting lately that the great unknown, the moderate undecided voter, may be well on his/her way to disappearing, as both parties gear up to focus on making sure party loyalists show up to vote. This profound schism is hardening, creating a meaningful gap between large groups of people as to the future of the nation. This leads one to believe that the closeness of the 2000 election and the forecasted closeness of the 2004 election are no accident.
With this in mind, in the vein of Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”, I would like to offer one solution.
Seeing as how the Blue states run more or less contiguously from the Northeast, across the northern Midwest (with a couple of exceptions), and down the entire Pacific coast, perhaps the best solution to this political fracture is the formation of 2 countries, Kramerica (Blue America) and Newmerica (Red America), with different core values and views of the future. For instance:
In Blue America we believe:
· That as part of the international community and alliances, we need our friends to engage in momentous acts such as war and that these alliances and forums exist for the precise reason of avoiding another world war
· That as the model democracy for the world, we must act in both our interests and the interests of the world-at-large, in order to ensure that as a country we are admired and copied, not feared and loathed.
· That as citizens under the Constitution and Bill of Rights, we have fundamental rights to privacy and habeas corpus, so the government cannot invade our privacy or take us into custody without declared just cause and due process.
· That the environment is a fragile resource and must be preserved at all reasonable costs – that the progress under the Clean Air Act cannot be allowed to be diluted by things such as new source review in order to allow loopholes for polluters to further push sulfur and other pollutants into the air, hurting many nearby inhabitants, who, not coincidentally, are not executives of said companies.
· That energy conservation and renewable energy are not imperatives for some time in the future – they must be investigated now or we may find ourselves between a rock and a hard place when we least expect it.
· That a woman has a right to choose.
· That the government should remain absolutely secular. Not only should we have freedom of religion, but freedom from religion. Only in this way can people be free to celebrate the religion of their choice, without undue influences.
· That science and evolution shall be taught in our schools, not pseudoscience mixed with parochial faiths. Knowledge is coin of the realm, not a religious agenda masquerading as such.
· That business is a key force for wealth and productivity. However, that does mean that it overrides other basic interests, such as the environment and the basic rights of workers to organize. Businesses shall be regulated to insure that they do not produce dangerous or misleading products and claims and do not exploit workers or pollute the environment at taxpayer expense.
· That in this vein, free-trade is a basic force for productivity, but that it is crucial that free-trade make sense. That is, that we are not simply importing from nations with low wages because they allow all sorts of exploitation, pollution, human rights abuses that we would never tolerate here. In this way, it can become a race to the bottom.
· That the tax burden should be fairly distributed from top to bottom, in a progressive system allowing for the diminishing marginal utility of money, but not reducing incentives for production. Tax loopholes enabling the wealthy to avoid paying taxes are fundamentally unfair.
· That democracy should be propagated throughout the world, but cannot be done so at the point of a gun. We cannot hope to invade countries and convert them to our way of our life. History has taught us nothing if not that people like to decide for themselves, ourselves included.
· That the defense of Kramerica is a primary function of the government. We will devote the necessary resources to intelligence gathering, law enforcement, and the maintenance of a standing army in order to protect our interests here and abroad. However, military force will be used carefully, in instances where we have been threatened or attacked, or an ally is in such position. In other instances, such as peacekeeping and the prevention of human rights disasters, we will work with the international community to attack such problems.
· That we strongly encourage all of our citizens to vote, regardless of political affiliation. We believe that it is integral to a vital democracy that its citizens vote.
· That capitalism is the best system we have, but not without its flaws (including but not limited to free-riders, tragedy of the commons, selective enforcement, etc). In a system of winners and losers, while we praise the winners we must also provide a soft landing for losers. In addition, we must continue to provide a level playing field for all competitors and prevent inefficiencies such as monopolies from occurring. The interests of business must also be balanced against the interests of the citizens and the environment.
· That being President of Kramerica is a difficult job, possibly the hardest in the world. It requires somebody of great intelligence, intellectual curiosity, dedication, and ability to evaluate many viewpoints fairly, with an eye towards helping the most people and hurting the fewest, as governing often involves tradeoffs. He/she cannot habitually delegate important decisions to others – the President is the chief executive, and it is with him that the buck stops. And of equal importance, he must receive varying opinions and honest brokering to decide amongst them.
Alternatively, in Red America we believe:
· That the international community is useful to us as long as they agree with what we are doing. Otherwise, they are a bunch of ineffectual nincompoops and frankly, we don’t need them.
· That while we are the model democracy, we act in the interests of our citizens and if that means others are affected negatively, well, perhaps they should have been better competitors.
· That we respect the right to privacy of our citizens, but we reserve the right to randomly monitor communications of anyone we see fit because we may come upon a threat to the government or our citizenry. And as long as we consider you an “enemy combatant” you simply have no rights whatsoever.
· That the environment and everything in it exists to serve man. While the ecosystem is fragile, we believe it has surprising ability to bounce back from what we do to it, and that we will always have the time and technology to fix any damage we render to it. As for those affected by pollution, may we suggest that they take advantage of the free-market system and purchase homes farther away from plants that may or may not be emitting dangerous chemicals.
· That petrochemicals are the cheapest and most short-term economical form of energy available and therefore should be the source of choice. In addition, we should exert our geopolitical influence in any way necessary to insure continuing access to such energy sources.
· That abortion is the murder of a child.
· That Newmerica is a fundamentally Christian nation with Christian values and mores. While we are nation of laws, we believe that the Bible provides our basic bedrock of values and have no compunction about defaulting to it. Those of other religious faiths are free to practice their religion, but not when in conflict with the Bible.
· That a possible explanation for the existence of the universe is intelligent design by a superior being, or creationism. We strongly believe this is a possibility and therefore it is taught alongside other competing theories.
· That the regulation of business is a fundamentally unnecessary and inefficient activity. The free market will regulate whether good companies survive and prosper and bad companies fail. The interests of workers and environment will be supported only to the extent they are valued by the free market.
· Trade should remain essentially unencumbered, unless of course one of our core constituents feels threatened by a foreign competitor, or there are retaliatory tariffs. We should take advantage of the fact that the rest of the world produces many goods for much cheaper than we can.
· That the tax system should allow those at top more leeway, as they provide the investment capital to employ those at the bottom. Whether or not this encourages the creation of an aristocratic class with permanent influence is not a concern.
· That as the preeminent military power in the world, we can and therefore should, with or without the support of others, attack and defeat dictators and other enemies throughout the world. Once defeated, democracy will spring up like a rose in fertile ground. Those threatened by our use of military force should be well-warned not to threaten our interests, military and economic.
· That we defend our country forcefully and without apology. We will use military force when we deem necessary, without consultation with our putative allies if necessary.
· That we encourage our citizens to vote, although we condone the tactics of various political parties to suppress opposing voters. We also encourage the labeling of those who oppose the incumbents to be supporters of our foreign enemies. We believe the free market will allow citizens to sort out the truth from the less-than-truthful.
· That capitalism is simply the best system, without reservation, and designed to function without barriers. The interests of business simply will serve everybody well.
· That the role of President can be a team project staffed by people of a single viewpoint. Allowing for multiple viewpoints and subtle, nuanced views of the world is simply a waste of time. Hence, whether or not the President makes every decision is unimportant – what is important is that he remains a symbol of resolve and strength.