Open Letter to the Red States

The Coffee Shop
1

(stolen from the internet)

Dear Red States…

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their
children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our
resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

2

Don’t let the do hit you on the way out.

3

Don’t let the do hit you on the way out.
the do or the DOH!

4

http://forum.slowtwitch.com/gforum.cgi?post=430547;search_string=red%20states;#430547
.

5

I actually prefer his version.

thanks!

6

And just how do you plan on supplying energy to yourself?

No on second thought, please go we will be happy to sell you whatever energy you need or not we will decide. But then as seperate nations, WE get to choose the price…you are going to think OPEC is a bargin…oopppsss

On a serious side note…where did they come up with that fresh water percentage? - it would seem that with most of the country draining down the middle - NOT to the coast. Where does this high percentage come from?

7

I suppose taking marbles and walking off in a huff is a lot easier than actually advocating actual positions in the arena of ideas with the goal of actually persuading people of the merits of your vision.

8

Oops. should have been “door”. I’m a graduate of the Tibbs School of Spell Checking.

9

“where did they come up with that fresh water percentage?”

two words…Great Lakes
.

10

(stolen from my reply to the last time this was posted)

Dear Blue States:

Please consider your actions carefully. Please be advised that if you leave to make your own country we (Red States) will promptly invade you and occupy your country. )

11

You don’t want Illinois. We’re almost dead last in state school funding and we have to borrow money from the state employees pension fund to stay afloat.

We’re highly dependent on the property tax (state only provides 38% of school funding), which creates a situation where the rich schools get better and the spoor schools get worse. Furthermore, property taxes and state aid increase at a rate lower than inflation … so every year, the state is trying to provide the same services (health care, social programs, education, etc) with less money.

Plus, we finally have the situation where the wealthy suburbs have a greater population that the rest of the state … so nothing will change.

If you want to keep preaching that the red states only care about the wealthy and do nothing to help the poor … quickly drop us (IL) and tell everyone you know that we’re (IL) really a red state … but when it comes to equalization via taxes, we’re among the worst in the nation. Very regressive.

12

Well, we’ll sure miss some of that stuff but it will be worth it just to get rid of Hillary Clinton.

13

You don’t want Illinois. We’re almost dead last in state school funding and we have to borrow money from the state employees pension fund to stay afloat.

This wouldn’t have happened if Vallas had won the democratic primary… He really was one of those “True Believers” (like Paul Simon or Obama)…

Illinois’ loss… Philly’s gain (even though they won’t realize it until he’s gone (like when Vallas was in Chicago)).

14

Take a look at this map which details voting county by county from the 2004 Pesidential election and feel free to take any of the blue territory. Good luck! :slight_smile:

http://images.usatoday.com/news/politicselections/elections2004/_images/2004countymap-final2.gif

15
  • take any of the blue territory.*

Seems to be the only territory that isn’t desert and cornfields :wink:
.

16

Good old Blago. Nothing like having a govenor that won’t live in the state capitol so us taxpaying schleps have to pay to fly him to and from Springfield all the time.

17

I think it is a great idea. But, there should be a high fee to move back into the red states. And, people will pay it once they see what follows them to the red states.

Since the blue states won’t be bothered by the ACLU and their ilk anymore - lots of good things will happen for us.

Most of the criminals will follow everyone to the red states since they know that nobody will legally own firearms - so they stand a much lower chance of getting shot while robbing and murdering people. And, since we can start holding criminals accountable for their actions, those that remain behind will face serious punishment for their crimes.

We won’t have to worry too much about terrorists hijacking airlines, since the people in our airports can actually use a “terrorist profile” to search and question 20 year old arabs, instead of wasting their time on the 70 year old grandmothers.

Now, be careful what you ask for. Because we will insist that all our borders are controlled. We’ll get the immigrants that want to work for a living, while you’ll get the ones that want to live off of the gov’t or commit crime.

The price to move back into a red state will be high, since you’ve had your chance. So, make sure you save some money. And, if you’re a criminal, or even worse - an actor - don’t even think about applying.

Good luck, and let me know if you need my cousin to pack your Suburban for you.