I’m President of a 290 member youth, recreational swim team. We have a situation where one parent is starting to get out of hand. Because of the lane her daughter was assigned to, she is going around blasting the coaches to anyone who will listen (her kids both suck, by the way). We’ve tried talking to her in person and via email to explain the situation, but she is convinced that her assessment (she is not from a swimming background) of how her child swims supercedes that of the head coach - who has 20 years of experience.
I’m concerned that she is “poisoning the well” because she storms around the practice area bitching to anyone who will listen. If she is not doing that, then she is glued to the fence watching every move the staff makes with her kids. Yesterday, she went as far as yelling at her daughter (who is 5) to move lanes. Last year we had a talk with her about her behavior - again, yelling at the coaches - so this isn’t all that unexpected.
So, what to do? send an email saying this is your final warning? Anyone have experience or insight on how to deal with this situation?
My daughter “grew” up at a local competitive club…they had standards to move up to different levels…you tested…the if you couldn’t hit the set you didnt move up.
In every youth sports program I have coached, including swim teams, we have had a parent and player code of conduct that everyone signs. I would suggest that you implement that process for your swim team.
At the end of the next practice I would hand-deliver her a letter advising that her children have been removed from the team and a check refunding her registration.
we do have a code of conduct and she is violating the first two rules. I think your route is the one - unfortunately - that we have to take.
Part of me feels bad for doing this because its supposed to be for the kids, but if she acts this way in public, I can only imagine the pressure she puts on them in private. The treasurer of our club coaches her son in baseball and he said its the same thing there.
I think there is one of these at every club. Our club has a coach / parent liaison that handles the communication. The President of the club does not deal with the communication aspect directly with a trouble maker parent. If there is a situation like you describe, the liaison brings it to the attention of the board. The board makes the decision and the liaison enforcer delivers the news. The liaison is usually someone of an intimidating stature but cool headed and matter of fact in delivery.
Eventually our problem parent decided to move where she will no doubt begin the process all over again somewhere else.
Part of me feels bad for doing this because its supposed to be for the kids
A fall back position we have used once, and it was successful, was to agree to let the kids back in the program so long as the troublesome parent agreed not to come to practices or swim meets. This puts the onus on the troublesome parent to get the other parent to go or find a friend to cover the kids. The following year, the parent behaved and was allowed back.
I can still remember one my bud’s dad’s brawling on the ground at football practice with our high school DB position coach. It was disturbing then, but now as an adult it’s even more disturbing to see parents act this way. He was incensed that his son wasn’t getting more playing time and I can tell you the damage it did to my buddy emotionally was huge. He was so embarrassed and I’m sure these kids at swim practice are mortified. I fear what the mom is like at home with them.
It seems clear she won’t abide by the agreed upon rules so I would not hesitate to refund her money and end the situation before it becomes more adversarial. Sorry to hear b/c you are right, it’s for the kids NOT the parents.
and, are you saying that I’m not of intimidating stature or cool-headed???
We do have a liason, but I’m involved because the others involved came to me. This woman refuses to talk to myself or either of the coach coordinators…she’d rather just bitch to anyone else…even they have told her to go talk to any of the board members.
I think there is one of these at every club. Our club has a coach / parent liaison that handles the communication. The President of the club does not deal with the communication aspect directly with a trouble maker parent. If there is a situation like you describe, the liaison brings it to the attention of the board. The board makes the decision and the liaison enforcer delivers the news. The liaison is usually someone of an intimidating stature but cool headed and matter of fact in delivery.
Eventually our problem parent decided to move where she will no doubt begin the process all over again somewhere else.
I think a nice solution, since she is poisoning the well, is to “strongly suggest” she do this instead of leaving it up to her.
we do have a code of conduct and she is violating the first two rules. I think your route is the one - unfortunately - that we have to take.
Part of me feels bad for doing this because its supposed to be for the kids, but if she acts this way in public, I can only imagine the pressure she puts on them in private. The treasurer of our club coaches her son in baseball and he said its the same thing there.
As you stated she is poisoning the well.
Provide one last well documented warning and then you must take action if things do not change immediately–the other kids will be well served by your efforts.
Aaah, parents. About one out of every 200 parents, you get one of those. I had one that actually physically assaulted an assistant coach. Had him in a headlock. In front of about 100 kids. Luckily another assistant coach had bouncer experience, so we were able to put him in a discrete submission hold and “escort” him away from the kids without creating too much of a scene. Kicked the kid off the team, which was too bad because the kid was cool. The guy threatened lawsuits and imminent arrests for assault, which I said, “Bring it on,” and of course nothing ever happened.
as do we. And, it’s readily apparent that her kids are incapable of meeting those standards - unfortunately, she doesn’t see it that way.
Seems like an easy fix then.
"These are the standards and your kids don’t meet them. We will be happy to retest your kids at any time. If they meet the standards we will move them up, if they don’t they will stay where they are. This is not an arbitrary point but one that all swimmers must meet. If you feel these standards are not acceptable feel free to look for another club with different standards.
We do however expect that if you choose to stay with our club that all parents allow the coaches to control all practices and meets without interference or comment from the parents. If you can not accept these rules you will be asked to leave. Continued interference will mean that you and your child will be asked to not come back."
Some people don’t respect boundaries or authority, they need to be removed from situations that demand such boundaries even at the expense of their own kids. If you don’t it will do nothing but teach the kids that that is the way to act.
Look on the bright side, the year I was team president of our local rec league swim team, we kicked a kid off the team and I ended up having to spend most of my summer dealing with his lawyer . . . . .
Here’s what you need to do. Part of it depends on your coach growing a pair so have a talk with him too.
#1 Institute a strickly enforced rule that parents are not allowed on deck during practices. My kids swim on 3 different teams and all three have this rule. You’ll need the coaches to step up and enforce this but it will work if they are on board. No parent can get within X feet of the pool or talk to a coach during practice - ever under any circumstances. One thing you need to do is get the “in” parents on board. This rule won’t work if you and the other board members and the moms of the fast kids are kibitzing with the coaches during practice. No one comes on deck or talks to the coaches except the swimmers.
#2 Get the coach to tell her, in 20 seconds or less, why he assigned her to whatever lane she is in. He/She has a good reason - it may be her relative speed, the strokes she needs to work on, etc. Whatever it is, it is for the kids benefit so have the coach explain it in terms of how it will help the kid develop and also making clear it is a done deal and non negotiable. I’ve worked with alot of swim coaches and the ones that are good can shut any parent up in 20 seconds or less and still keep folks from quitting.
#3 You tell her, as president, in a nice way, that she is completely out of line, she is violating the team code of conduct and she better get in line or she and her kid will be gone. “This is not how we do things around here and folks who act like you don’t get to stick around” is your basic message.
#4 If you have not done it yet, post the results from last year’s championship meet, the “top times” report for the top 5 kids in each event on your team and various state and national qualifying times on your website so she (and others) can see where they really stand.
#5 If she really is a cancer to the team, kick her kid off but I would give the mom of a 5 year old at least a full season to calm down and figure out what is going on.
It will get better once you start having meets and she gets to see where her kid really fits in. She’ll either get moved up on her own merits or, her mom will figure out she is not that great a swimmer.
“poisoning the well” - the other parents are probably aware of her bitching.
Poor 5yo kid
The code of conduct contract is a great idea.
Let us know what comes of it.
An idea if you could get away with it would be to videotape her actions on the deck, and make her watch it… maybe she would see how badly and embarassingly she is behaving. I dunno if you could do that though.
while I like the idea of videotaping, I don’t think that would go over so well. Kind of like a public shaming
I sent an email that highlighted the parts of the code of conduct that she is violating. Told her to think long and hard about whether this is the right team for her. That our expectation is that she comply with the code of conduct ongoing or that we will ask her to leave.
