On the advice of a friend I’m posting this question here because there is a lot of knowledge in a single location that might be helpful to me.
I’m about to go through a divorce and could use some advice from those who have been through it. Last night I found out he is cheating on me and it was agreed we would end the marriage. Thankfully there are no children and there aren’t a lot of assets to argue over so it should be quick.
Aside from being devastated I’m at a loss as to where to get started on how to detangle myself from him legally. I’m contacting a lawyer today for the paperwork but there are a lot of small things I don’t know what to do about.
How do I get the electric bill and other utilities in my name? We share a cell phone bill. How do I get my phone in my name without losing my phone number?How do I get him off the joint checking account so I don’t have to redo all my bill pay stuff?Do I need a legal divorce decree to get my name changed on my ss card, license and passport?Is it possible to separate a home equity loan from the mortgage so he can take that and I’ll take the debt on the house? Or, are they tied together?We have credit card debt that needs to be split up. How do I do that? Should he get his own card and transfer half the balance or try to pay it off now? I need all the liquid cash I can get. It will be very tight for me to get by on my income only. It will take a big shift in lifestyle and until I can complete that I need to make sure I have emergency funds for pet issues, oil changes, unplanned expenses. Is that liquidity more important than reducing that cc debt?I’ll probably have more questions.
Most of all, how am I supposed to get past this? I’d be interested to hear how others have dealt with cheating. You can PM me if you don’t want to make that public.
I went through this a couple years ago (exact same situation), but luckily pretty much everything was already in my name.
Yes, you will need a divorce decree to get your DL, SS, etc. changed.
If you can amicably divide up all your assets, the divorce shouldn’t cost more than what they charge at the courthouse to file the documents. Mine was $83. Best money I ever spent.
With regard to the house and credit debt, I think one of you will have to assume responsibility for payment, I don’t think it can be split up. That will probably cost a little bit to have ti split up.
As far as unexpected expenses, my suggestion is to make lots of new friends, and take note of their hobbies. That can save you a TON of money. i.e. an oil change should cost you $25 and a six-pack of his favorite beer.
Getting over it wasn’t easy. I’m lucky to have a great network of friends and family who helped me. Heavy drinking got me through the first couple months.
Most of all, how am I supposed to get past this? I’d be interested to hear how others have dealt with cheating. You can PM me if you don’t want to make that public.
While I will admit that I did a fair bit of drinking right when the process started, it ended rather quickly (the drinking). I was fortunate enough to be put on a work assignment that required me to be on call 24/7 and to remain sober. At first glance, that might sound frustrating, but it allowed me to spend a lot of time at home, alone. This is a huge ordeal to go through and it requires some time to emotionally digest everything you’re going through. I found that not drinking helped me get through this a lot quicker. On the day of the final hearing, the ex broke down in the courtroom and was an absolute wreck. Afterwards she said that she’d spent the last 4 months partying and hadn’t really thought about the whole thing.
So yes, spending time with supportive friends and family is very important, but so is spending time alone to think over the stuff that got you here, how you’re dealing with it, and how you’re going to move forward without making the same mistake again.
It should also be noted that friends and family will mirror your feelings on things - if you show up and complain about him and/or the situation for hours on end, they’ll do the same, and that won’t help you move past it. It’s ok to talk, but don’t dwell. Make sense?
“Most of all, how am I supposed to get past this?”
Time and your own decision to get over it. It’s hard to get over the break up of a relationship but it is doable if you decide to get over it. You will go through the 5 phases of grief, more or less, you will feel busted up and you must accept the emotions that come but always focus on your future life.
Your life ain’t over. You still gotta move on so start planning your future life so you can make it how you want it. Be selfish as hell with your time and money. It will be tough and it is going to suck for a while but if you focus on your future things will move a lot more smoothly.
Also break off contact with him. For reasons I can’t comprehend I stayed wrapped in my ex’s psychotic dramas for a while but when I finally just stopped talking to her things got so much better. Now I only have to deal with her during our endless court battles but I don’t even talk to her then. When you make the break clean and final the old life goes away much quicker.
“It should also be noted that friends and family will mirror your feelings on things - if you show up and complain about him and/or the situation for hours on end, they’ll do the same, and that won’t help you move past it. It’s ok to talk, but don’t dwell.”
Most of all, how am I supposed to get past this? I’d be interested to hear how others have dealt with cheating. You can PM me if you don’t want to make that public.
You don’t need a lawyer to get a divorce. You have no children or assets, so save yourself the hassle of a lawyer (they are a hassle, cost money, and make you do a lot of the work anyway). Follow my simple procedures and even if your soon to be ex is not amicable, you’ll still be able to get out quickly.
1.The first step is to go to your local county clerk and file a petition for divorce. More than likely you live in a no-fault State, which means that the filing is really simple. No one is going to care that he cheated on you, so save yourself the pain and know that legally everything gets split in half - house, credit card debt, cars, dogs, etc.
Most States require that the two of you be legally separated for some period of time - usually 6 months. The court doesn’t care if he cheated on you as couples do reconcile, therefore the minimum separation period.
Once you file the petition for divorce, a court date will given to you and your husband. You will need to file a divorce decree. This is really simple. Go to the law library at the same building as the county clerk, ask for a sample of a divorce decree, go home and type up that decree on your own. There is certain format and legalese that needs to be followed, and it is so simple that even a lawyer can do it. Your husband and yourself will sign that decree, submit it to the court. On your court date in 6 months or so, the judge will ask you both agree to everything that is in that document, and if you do, the judge, court and clerk sign and stamp the document, and just like that you are now divorced. This is the date that you can legally change your name to something else - your maiden name or whatever.
With regards to the assets and liabilities, the court allows you to create any arrangement that you want. Because you are a woman, you may be legally entitled to maintenance (men are also entitled but this is rare). In a no fault State the court is not going to give you more just because of infidelity. Keep reminding yourself that the court does not care one iota about this.
Changing credit cards, phones, etc. is really easy. Just call the companies and can be done in a few minutes time.
Changing mortgages, real estate, and equity lines are not easy. The equity line is tied to the house. If there is ANY equity in the house, he is entitled to half - so you either have to buy him out or come to some other arrangement.
How do you get over this? The million dollar question. My suggestion is to not drag it on, get over the hurt and anger, and move on as quickly as possible. Shit happens.
**This is the date that you can legally change your name to something else - your maiden name or whatever. **
She can legally change her name any time she wants to, no restriction on that. People legally change their names all the time, ask Chad Johnson aka Ochocinco.
You are absolutely correct, anyone can legally change their name anytime. The judge will ask the woman as a matter of procedure on that day if she wants to change her name.
and BTW, you and everyone can actually go by any name that you want. You don’t have to legally change your name to go by an alias. You can put the name Justgeorge Ochocinco on your credit cards, phone directory, etc. right now. There is no law stopping anyone from calling themselves anything.
“It should also be noted that friends and family will mirror your feelings on things - if you show up and complain about him and/or the situation for hours on end, they’ll do the same, and that won’t help you move past it. It’s ok to talk, but don’t dwell.”
Take heed on this point. I learned the hard way. Everyone wanted to be supportive and their easiest means was to bash my ex. While the sentiment was warranted, it was draining having to rehash and relive those emotions over and over again. I also learned some things that I’d rather not know from those “supportive” friends. Don’t dwell is some solid advice.
My $.02 - do not date for some period of time. I’d say six months, but you may want to go longer. It’s just bad juju until you get your wits about you again.
No advice for you, but just wanted to say that I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It sucks, but it will get better. Spend time with people you love and who make you happier. Time will heal.
No personal experience with this (thank god), but just wanted to suggest that if things start to become difficult to resolve between the two of you, you should consider using a mediator rather than the traditional lawyers and courtroom thing. I have an uncle who started doing this when he got sick of lawyering, and has found it to be quite rewarding to calm the conflicts rather than escalate them. Based on his work anecdotes, I’d be strongly inclined to try this approach, myself.
I can’t even fathom another relationship. We used to joke that if we weren’t together we wouldn’t find anyone else who could put up with us. That is really true. I expect I’ll be single for a very long time. If not forever. I’m in my 40s, not exactly prime dating age. I’ll just build my life that way and if someone comes along, great, otherwise I’ll be fine on my own.
This is all great advice, thanks everyone. My biggest concern is the sharing of the debt. I’m not taking all of it on, he needs to be responsible for his share. I’m having a legal consult on Wednesday. At least I can get some guidance.
I’ve been wandering around the house finding little things of his that I’m putting in a pile so he won’t forget it when he gets his stuff. It will be a couple days until he finds an apartment and can get it all. In the meantime I’ll have to look at it. I’m showing some restraint by not throwing it on the lawn or smashing it. I’m quite proud of that.
“It should also be noted that friends and family will mirror your feelings on things - if you show up and complain about him and/or the situation for hours on end, they’ll do the same, and that won’t help you move past it. It’s ok to talk, but don’t dwell.”
BRILLIANT!!!
I agree. That’s excellent advice.
While it’s good to have friends and family that will support and back you, it’s also important to have friends that will put you in your place and (tactfully) tell you that you’re being an idiot when you’re being an idiot.
You should look primarily to your lawyer for what your options are and what is typical on the house and the credit card debt. It may be on the house, you sell it and divide the equity. Perhaps the equity to be used to pay down the credit card debt. But there are other ways of handling it too.
On the credit card debt, be wary of any agreement where the ex agrees to assume the responsibility to pay in return for something else, such as the equity on the house. As between you and the ex, the ex may be obliged to pay the credit card debt. But the creditor can care less, and if the ex doesn’t honor his obligations, you may still be on the hook. In other words, the creditor doesn’t have to let you off the hook just because the ex agrees to assume all the debt.
Also, talk to the lawyer first, but you may want to consider cancelling all revolving credit now so that the ex can’t run it up. It happened to my sister-in-law. She and her then-husband had cards in both their names. They separated, and he ran up the debt. Because the debt was incurred while separated, the court didn’t count it against her when dividing assets and liabilities. But as I previously said, the bank didn’t care, as it still had hte legal right to directly go against either for the full amount.
May need to use a lawyer, but be careful there too. I've seen (three times now in my workplace) lawyers give really bad advice to push for more, more, more, and the women ended up with less than the guy offered in the first place, plus a large legal debt.
as much as you don’t need a lawyer for the divorce papers themselves, I would strongly suggest getting a lawyer each and have them sign off on the separation agreement (a.k.a. the “who gets what” agreement) to protect both of you from any future issue. If you both agree on who gets what it should be a matter of simply drawing it up and signing it, which shouldn’t cost you a lot of money and will pay for itself in peace of mind.
"1.The first step is to go to your local county clerk and file a petition for divorce. More than likely you live in a no-fault State, which means that the filing is really simple. No one is going to care that he cheated on you, so save yourself the pain and know that legally everything gets split in half - house, credit card debt, cars, dogs, etc. "
Things do not have to be split 50/50. As long as you are on speaking terms with him whatever agreement that you two make is sufficient and becomes part of the divorce decree. At least in MO.
